Lately life taught me lessons that I keep in my mind everyday, I try not to do same mistakes over and over again. But my biggest lesson is my emotions or feelings are deceptive. My emotions based on my experience of certain things that I haven't let go yet. Being sad or dissapointed is not helping me with anything, It won't make my situation better. Sit and think how to act differently will.
Past experienced is done. It is happened and yes it leaves a mark in your head and it called memory. Repeating it again and again will not help you and will not make it happen again. In fact your childhood memories or yesterday memory is actually the same. Some significant some not, they're all the same.
You can't control how people treat you. It is their will and you can't do anything about it. Hoping is okay but lost in your hope and create illusion is not okay. Just let people be. You only can control yourself. Love yourself, don't let whatever people do to you affect you. Their action is their own projection on themself. Only you decide what you want to do and allow yourself how to feel.
If people don't love you it's not your fault. People who love you will come naturally and won't give up on you no matter what happen. So, yeah just accept that they just not your people. It is what it is. They made choice how to see you and not loving you is not your fault at all. Don't take it personally. There is always somebody out there that will love you.
You can't force anything to happen even with the guidance of spirit guide. If it happen, it will happen in it's time. There's nothing you can do, it is all in God's hand.
Help always come when you needed the most. Somehow you will get through anything without you realize. Don't stress too much, worry will not help also, everything will fall in it's place and it is perfect for you for what it is. Everything happen for a reason, for you to learn new life lesson.
Accept, embrace and enjoy present time. You still breathe today and not lack of anything is enough. Everybody in this world has their own portion.
Everybody has different path from you and that's fine. They serve their own destiny and so are you. Don't be too hard on yourself by comparing your life with others. They are not you and you are not them. It is what it is.
People come into your life for 3 reasons, they come for a reason, a season or a lesson.
Saturday, 22 September 2018
Thursday, 13 September 2018
Turning point
I found this video of one of my favorite singer all time, India Arie. Everybody has their own turning point and it leads us to the point where we just accept and surrender to God whatever plan he has. I had that turning point before as I write in my past blog. I understand now that we can't work on our life with our own power. Just trust our life in the hand of God. Everything connected and He will not let us to walk alone. There's always help that lead us to our divine purpose. My journey is not over yet and I will keep going no matter God wants me to do.
Monday, 10 September 2018
There's Hope
Back when I had a little
I thought that I needed a lot
A little was over rated
But a lot was a little too complicated
You see, zero didn't satisfy me
A million didn't make me happy
That's when I learned the lesson
That it's all about your perceptions
Hey, are you a pauper or a superstar?
So you act, so you feel, so you are
It ain't about the size of your car
It's about the size of the faith in your heart
I thought that I needed a lot
A little was over rated
But a lot was a little too complicated
You see, zero didn't satisfy me
A million didn't make me happy
That's when I learned the lesson
That it's all about your perceptions
Hey, are you a pauper or a superstar?
So you act, so you feel, so you are
It ain't about the size of your car
It's about the size of the faith in your heart
There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
There's hope
Off in the back country of Brazil
A met a young brother that made me feel
That I could accomplish anything
(You see, just like me, he wanted to sing)
(He had) no windows and no doors
He lived a simple life and was extremely poor
On top of all of that, he had no eyesight
(But that didn't keep him from seein' the light)
(He said) what's it like in the USA?
And all I did was complain
(He said) living here is paradise
He taught me paradise is in your mind; you know that...
A met a young brother that made me feel
That I could accomplish anything
(You see, just like me, he wanted to sing)
(He had) no windows and no doors
He lived a simple life and was extremely poor
On top of all of that, he had no eyesight
(But that didn't keep him from seein' the light)
(He said) what's it like in the USA?
And all I did was complain
(He said) living here is paradise
He taught me paradise is in your mind; you know that...
There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
There's hope
Every time I turn on the T.V. (There's hope)
Somebody's acting crazy (There's hope)
If you let it, it'll drive you crazy (There's hope)
But I'm takin' back my power today (There's hope)
Gas prices - they just keep on rising (There's hope)
The government - they keep on lying
But we gotta keep on surviving
Keep living our truth and do the best we can do
Somebody's acting crazy (There's hope)
If you let it, it'll drive you crazy (There's hope)
But I'm takin' back my power today (There's hope)
Gas prices - they just keep on rising (There's hope)
The government - they keep on lying
But we gotta keep on surviving
Keep living our truth and do the best we can do
'Cause there's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that, yeah, yeah
There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that, yeah, yeah
There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
There's hope
Stand up for your rights
Keep shining your light
And show the world your smile
Keep shining your light
And show the world your smile
Stand up for your rights
Keep shining your light
And show the world your smile
Keep shining your light
And show the world your smile
There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
There's hope
Sunday, 9 September 2018
Months of happiness
After a long journey of disappointment, I decided to take a break. I really didn't want to involved in any relationship or dating game again. I chose to be single and enjoying myself. I closed and delete all of my dating website and apps, it's time to finally surrender and let love come itself.
The 2016 was my happiest year, year of no drama. I went to music concerts alone, I went to visit my friend in malaysia, I went to Bali all alone.
I finally found myself back. I made good friends and I made great memories with them. I once again can be focus on self growth without interruption.
I laugh louder than before, I dance to every music on the radio, i went to gym, do yoga and fixing myself.
When I was in Bali, I pray to God to guide me to the next chapter of my life. I'm about to quit my job without any future plan. So I tell God to bring it on whatever plan he had for me. I want to learn more about life and I want to go from my parents house.
My parents always push me to do everything they want. They never give me options or chance to express my interest. All they wanted is for me to inherit their business, which I hate so much. I never have any interest in that field. At all.
I was in a very hard position, to be in control of my parents or find my own path from zero. As always I chose the hard one but I didn't know how to start. Uncertainty hit me hard.
God give me a hint, on 1st January 2017 in Bali, I had a motorbike accident. I never had accident before in my life. My feeling told me that there will be something happen in that year. It will.
I officially quit my job as radio announcer and producer In March 2017 hoping I will get a job because some companies look interested to hire me. There even a company called my for interview 3 times and I already took their test and another company where my friend work called me out also.
But guess what? From all the CVS I sent, not even one call me again. Something was wrong. Yes. I know there must be someone involved in this. Yep. Thank you universe! Now I don't have job and my parents are pushy as ever.
I remember I was crying all day just for God to answer my prayer.around February He sent me one person I never even knew before and she had this ability to see me. She know everything what I went through and reason behind this. She said this will be my awakening, I need to go through this karmic situation from my biological dad. I never knew who was my biological parents and this person can read all of my ancestral past. She was God sent. She told me that there was something that lure her to talk to me. Remember, I never knew her before, she just came into my life out of nowhere. She just literally came to me in a public place.
I don't know how, I get a long with this person, she explain to me about the gift I have. I knew it. I always felt that I'm connected into something spiritual. All of my life I believe in spirituality and seeking for answer. I always had a vivid dream before something happen. I can read people and it surprisingly accurate. I only tell people what's inside my mind. I always feel like something following me from I was small to guide me . I don't even have no idea why. I always be the mysterious one who had different point of view. The weird one.
This person open my eyes about my situation and why it happen like this. She said I need to learn certain things before I can get into my full potential. I need to learn about patient, releasing my selfishness, and ego. This she told me before I going through all things. I said, bring it on. My arrogance nature and my over optimism said it will be just fine and everything will be easy. No it won't.
The 2016 was my happiest year, year of no drama. I went to music concerts alone, I went to visit my friend in malaysia, I went to Bali all alone.
I finally found myself back. I made good friends and I made great memories with them. I once again can be focus on self growth without interruption.
I laugh louder than before, I dance to every music on the radio, i went to gym, do yoga and fixing myself.
When I was in Bali, I pray to God to guide me to the next chapter of my life. I'm about to quit my job without any future plan. So I tell God to bring it on whatever plan he had for me. I want to learn more about life and I want to go from my parents house.
My parents always push me to do everything they want. They never give me options or chance to express my interest. All they wanted is for me to inherit their business, which I hate so much. I never have any interest in that field. At all.
I was in a very hard position, to be in control of my parents or find my own path from zero. As always I chose the hard one but I didn't know how to start. Uncertainty hit me hard.
God give me a hint, on 1st January 2017 in Bali, I had a motorbike accident. I never had accident before in my life. My feeling told me that there will be something happen in that year. It will.
I officially quit my job as radio announcer and producer In March 2017 hoping I will get a job because some companies look interested to hire me. There even a company called my for interview 3 times and I already took their test and another company where my friend work called me out also.
But guess what? From all the CVS I sent, not even one call me again. Something was wrong. Yes. I know there must be someone involved in this. Yep. Thank you universe! Now I don't have job and my parents are pushy as ever.
I remember I was crying all day just for God to answer my prayer.around February He sent me one person I never even knew before and she had this ability to see me. She know everything what I went through and reason behind this. She said this will be my awakening, I need to go through this karmic situation from my biological dad. I never knew who was my biological parents and this person can read all of my ancestral past. She was God sent. She told me that there was something that lure her to talk to me. Remember, I never knew her before, she just came into my life out of nowhere. She just literally came to me in a public place.
I don't know how, I get a long with this person, she explain to me about the gift I have. I knew it. I always felt that I'm connected into something spiritual. All of my life I believe in spirituality and seeking for answer. I always had a vivid dream before something happen. I can read people and it surprisingly accurate. I only tell people what's inside my mind. I always feel like something following me from I was small to guide me . I don't even have no idea why. I always be the mysterious one who had different point of view. The weird one.
This person open my eyes about my situation and why it happen like this. She said I need to learn certain things before I can get into my full potential. I need to learn about patient, releasing my selfishness, and ego. This she told me before I going through all things. I said, bring it on. My arrogance nature and my over optimism said it will be just fine and everything will be easy. No it won't.
Saturday, 8 September 2018
Years of looking for my other half (5)
It took about a year to recover myself from heartbreak and self pitiness. I finally brave enough to start new adventure. Again. Yes. Again. It was the end of college year. I was 23 that time.
I remember I was interested to one guy I sang together in an event a few years back, I tried to look for his contact and he responded me well. Too well.
We get along very quick, and without I realized, we were in relationship.
He was a very nice guy at the beginning, he was looking at this world with rose coloured glasses on. Everything was nice, positive and he treated me so well. For the first few months.
But something was wrong, he never want me to know his house or his family. He kept secret to me. Well. Whenever someone kept a secret for me, I have to find it, it's a challenge for me. I ask people, I sneak into his ID card to see his house address and yes, I google earth it. Voila! I saw his house now then I told him what's wrong (I even went to his house uninvited)
He told me he was insecure about his family condition, his house everything because he didn't come from a wealthy family. I never care about that to be honest, just tell me. Be open to me no matter what.
I once again go the distance for him, most of the time I went to his place out of Jakarta which was so far just to meet him. He never like to come to Jakarta because he feel intimidated by people who ''wealthier" than him. Well, you don't need to be rich to go to luxurious mall or whatever, it was only public places and people don't even care about who you are. All you need is confidence and nobody won't judge you anyway. I found this thing very weird and I still try to understand him.
Time pass by, he showed me his real face. A very pessimistic,needy and an egosentrical man. Well, that what he showed me. I feel not comfortable when he called me on phone every single hour when I have work to do. My work was so busy, I don't even have time to eat lunch, that how was busy it was.
He can get angry to me just because I busy his call and threat me want to break up with me. What a gaslighter and manipulative man he was. I can't live like this or even imagine spend the rest of my life with him. Nope nope. It's a red flag.
He was abusive also. There was one time we went to cinema, and I was so busy watch the movie (you go to cinema to watch movie right? Not to hug, kissing and forget the movie) he was so angry to me and he grab my arms and pull me when the movie over. I had bruises all over. Even my mom and my church friend asking me about the bruises. I said nothing, just fell from bed.
The final moment was when I go with my female friend to hang out in a hotel. We did book a hotel to have sleep over and binge drinking because we were so stressed with our life and work. He invited her boyfriend also.
What happened? Disaster. He called me on phone and I told him I have a sleep over and he was angry as hell! I even let him talk to them and if he can go to meet us. He don't want to do that instead he cursed me and assaulted me with his words. He told me I was a prostitute to book a hotel. What a small minded he was! Everybody can book a hotel for whatever reason. Not only prostitution. He was mad.
Short story, I went home at 7 o'clock and show him I was home and I cancelled my sleepover night with my friends. He was a total day ruiner. He said he wanted to break up. I said okay. I'll can't help any longer. What kind of relationship that you never feel happy in it? You can't even have happy time with your friend?
The following day he went to my office and crying in front of everybody in my office and saying sorry. I left him because I have appointment with my friend to go to Bandung that time. I have no time for his bullshit anymore. Once again he blame me and playing victim while in the other side he already had new girlfriend (thanks to my stalking ability)
What a waste of 2 years of my time and energy for this man. I tried to help him with anything , I went far to his city just for date, I paid most of the expenses because he said he never had money in hand.
He only want to control and take away my happiness. So bye bye.
After I come out from this emotional thundercloud, I start to use internet dating again, now I went to dating apps. In my mind I still have the goal to find my other half.
So I met several guys there, but only 2 of them that caught my attention.
The first one was a fitness place manager. Good looking, gentle man and very kind to me. I went to his place, he cooked for me, he gave me life advices. He was 10 years older than me and he had quiet interesting past. He was romantic and we seeing each other for a few months. Everything was smooth. I couldn't be more happy.
Until one day I met him at his workplace and he wanted to talk to me. So first news was his accomplishment, he wanted to move to another place and the company sent him to England. I knew he worked so hard to be in his position right now. I was happy for him.
Second news, not to pleased to hear. He met another girl before me and that girl was pregnant with him, and her family came to him asking to marry him. He didn't know she was pregnant until her 7 months of pregnancy. She never told him about this before.
What kind of news is this?? He decided to marry her the following month even he didn't feel like to marry, he had this certain image that he need to create so he can't ruined his life. In 2 months the baby born and he become a married man.
What the actual fuck is that? Once again I left in the cold after everything I've been through. Life was not fair. I tried to understand and he was so sorry for everything. What can I do? He's not my other half.
After another broken heart, I met this new guy. Same thing. We met many times and he was so charming and brilliant. He was a company owner from Singapore. ( The full story I wrote in my other blog ; dear valentine)
Another unexpecting news came from my friend who worked for him before. He is a married man. After I knew about this, I just tell him about what I discovered. He explained to me that it was true and he was going through divorced. In Singapore you can't get divorced if your marriage no more than 2 years. I can't. I don't want this. I don't want to be involved in any marriage. I let him go. He's not my other half.
I wish my heart is made out of steel. I keep going on. This all experience is not even the worst one. There will he worst thing will come around the corner. It will all happen when I just had my 25th birthday on 2016. A different kind of journey will start, dragged me into the most tiring moments of my life, not only my heart and emotions, but every single aspect in my life.
To be continued...
I remember I was interested to one guy I sang together in an event a few years back, I tried to look for his contact and he responded me well. Too well.
We get along very quick, and without I realized, we were in relationship.
He was a very nice guy at the beginning, he was looking at this world with rose coloured glasses on. Everything was nice, positive and he treated me so well. For the first few months.
But something was wrong, he never want me to know his house or his family. He kept secret to me. Well. Whenever someone kept a secret for me, I have to find it, it's a challenge for me. I ask people, I sneak into his ID card to see his house address and yes, I google earth it. Voila! I saw his house now then I told him what's wrong (I even went to his house uninvited)
He told me he was insecure about his family condition, his house everything because he didn't come from a wealthy family. I never care about that to be honest, just tell me. Be open to me no matter what.
I once again go the distance for him, most of the time I went to his place out of Jakarta which was so far just to meet him. He never like to come to Jakarta because he feel intimidated by people who ''wealthier" than him. Well, you don't need to be rich to go to luxurious mall or whatever, it was only public places and people don't even care about who you are. All you need is confidence and nobody won't judge you anyway. I found this thing very weird and I still try to understand him.
Time pass by, he showed me his real face. A very pessimistic,needy and an egosentrical man. Well, that what he showed me. I feel not comfortable when he called me on phone every single hour when I have work to do. My work was so busy, I don't even have time to eat lunch, that how was busy it was.
He can get angry to me just because I busy his call and threat me want to break up with me. What a gaslighter and manipulative man he was. I can't live like this or even imagine spend the rest of my life with him. Nope nope. It's a red flag.
He was abusive also. There was one time we went to cinema, and I was so busy watch the movie (you go to cinema to watch movie right? Not to hug, kissing and forget the movie) he was so angry to me and he grab my arms and pull me when the movie over. I had bruises all over. Even my mom and my church friend asking me about the bruises. I said nothing, just fell from bed.
The final moment was when I go with my female friend to hang out in a hotel. We did book a hotel to have sleep over and binge drinking because we were so stressed with our life and work. He invited her boyfriend also.
What happened? Disaster. He called me on phone and I told him I have a sleep over and he was angry as hell! I even let him talk to them and if he can go to meet us. He don't want to do that instead he cursed me and assaulted me with his words. He told me I was a prostitute to book a hotel. What a small minded he was! Everybody can book a hotel for whatever reason. Not only prostitution. He was mad.
Short story, I went home at 7 o'clock and show him I was home and I cancelled my sleepover night with my friends. He was a total day ruiner. He said he wanted to break up. I said okay. I'll can't help any longer. What kind of relationship that you never feel happy in it? You can't even have happy time with your friend?
The following day he went to my office and crying in front of everybody in my office and saying sorry. I left him because I have appointment with my friend to go to Bandung that time. I have no time for his bullshit anymore. Once again he blame me and playing victim while in the other side he already had new girlfriend (thanks to my stalking ability)
What a waste of 2 years of my time and energy for this man. I tried to help him with anything , I went far to his city just for date, I paid most of the expenses because he said he never had money in hand.
He only want to control and take away my happiness. So bye bye.
After I come out from this emotional thundercloud, I start to use internet dating again, now I went to dating apps. In my mind I still have the goal to find my other half.
So I met several guys there, but only 2 of them that caught my attention.
The first one was a fitness place manager. Good looking, gentle man and very kind to me. I went to his place, he cooked for me, he gave me life advices. He was 10 years older than me and he had quiet interesting past. He was romantic and we seeing each other for a few months. Everything was smooth. I couldn't be more happy.
Until one day I met him at his workplace and he wanted to talk to me. So first news was his accomplishment, he wanted to move to another place and the company sent him to England. I knew he worked so hard to be in his position right now. I was happy for him.
Second news, not to pleased to hear. He met another girl before me and that girl was pregnant with him, and her family came to him asking to marry him. He didn't know she was pregnant until her 7 months of pregnancy. She never told him about this before.
What kind of news is this?? He decided to marry her the following month even he didn't feel like to marry, he had this certain image that he need to create so he can't ruined his life. In 2 months the baby born and he become a married man.
What the actual fuck is that? Once again I left in the cold after everything I've been through. Life was not fair. I tried to understand and he was so sorry for everything. What can I do? He's not my other half.
After another broken heart, I met this new guy. Same thing. We met many times and he was so charming and brilliant. He was a company owner from Singapore. ( The full story I wrote in my other blog ; dear valentine)
Another unexpecting news came from my friend who worked for him before. He is a married man. After I knew about this, I just tell him about what I discovered. He explained to me that it was true and he was going through divorced. In Singapore you can't get divorced if your marriage no more than 2 years. I can't. I don't want this. I don't want to be involved in any marriage. I let him go. He's not my other half.
I wish my heart is made out of steel. I keep going on. This all experience is not even the worst one. There will he worst thing will come around the corner. It will all happen when I just had my 25th birthday on 2016. A different kind of journey will start, dragged me into the most tiring moments of my life, not only my heart and emotions, but every single aspect in my life.
To be continued...
Friday, 7 September 2018
Years of looking for my other half (4)
After I finished with my Australian ex boyfriend, I felt like born again. I was like a bird. Free from any boundaries (he was abusive and obsessive) I felt like a real 21 year old girl again.
That period of time I like to hang out with my classmates, we going crazy together. We went to clubs and having crazy hook ups. I met guys from internet (again) but now I never really have type. Anyone who was nice to me and honest, will stand a chance. Few hook ups here and there, I can't even remember, because there are no serious one, even I never have intention to find serious relationship at that time. We were girls just want to have fun.
Until one day, one of my friend was very tired going to clubs and wanted to chill in bundaran HI. So I went there.
There was one particular day, there was one guy who seemed like interested in me. He introduced himself as a singer. Band and street singer. He sang to me and everything just fell to something more serious. We were seeing each other nearly every day in the same place, at the same time. Mostly at night. I thought why not, this is just another life adventure right? Yes it was a very hard one.
His life was not stable at all, he didn't have a job that time, only being a street artist. I know this guy was intelligent somehow, I could see from his eyes. Not like other uneducated street artist. I was right. Later on he told me he ran away from his house for 5 years and never come back. He came from a very respectable family, even his grandfather was Indonesian national hero ( even has his name for one of the protocol road)
He took me to his family house in South Area after he never come back home. It was surprising and his house was in elite housing i can tell. His mom like me and we talk for hours.
I fell for him, I saw his struggle and I helped him whatever that I can help. Everything even money. He can't afford anything and didn't want to depend on his mom.
But something was wrong and I found out He was a drug user. Also a drug dealer. Omfg. And I still wanted to be with him because I think I can change him. Nope I can't until forever and ever.
The final time was he told me police catch him whatsoever and wanted me to transfer money to his account for bail. I sent all I have that time, and I just started work as an intern in a radio station.
After that, I never see him again. Until I saw his social media that he move to Bandung and have new girlfriend not up to 1 month after he lost every contact with me. After that police case.
I went to his mom and crying. I told her that he really break my heart and his mom can't do anything. She was also speechless.
I was so deppresed that time, I feel deeply betrayed. I gave all I have, my love, my money, my trust and he just having fun with another woman. And they married not long after.
I found out that the girlfriend was pregnant and have baby few months later. So, even when he still with me he already with that girl and I don't even know what for the money I sent to him before.
I blame myself for my stupidity and my good heart to him. I never really blame him, I blame myself more.
That period of time I became alcoholic. I drink alcohol right after I woke up and right before I slept at night. I woke up at 3 o clock in the afternoon and sleep at 6 o clock in the morning. I even skip classes and skip work. One of my darkest time.
I cut my wrist and I wanted to kill my self. I wasn't eat for weeks, I smoke and drink alcohol only. I was dying. But my journey to find my other half will continue again and again.
To be continued...
That period of time I like to hang out with my classmates, we going crazy together. We went to clubs and having crazy hook ups. I met guys from internet (again) but now I never really have type. Anyone who was nice to me and honest, will stand a chance. Few hook ups here and there, I can't even remember, because there are no serious one, even I never have intention to find serious relationship at that time. We were girls just want to have fun.
Until one day, one of my friend was very tired going to clubs and wanted to chill in bundaran HI. So I went there.
There was one particular day, there was one guy who seemed like interested in me. He introduced himself as a singer. Band and street singer. He sang to me and everything just fell to something more serious. We were seeing each other nearly every day in the same place, at the same time. Mostly at night. I thought why not, this is just another life adventure right? Yes it was a very hard one.
His life was not stable at all, he didn't have a job that time, only being a street artist. I know this guy was intelligent somehow, I could see from his eyes. Not like other uneducated street artist. I was right. Later on he told me he ran away from his house for 5 years and never come back. He came from a very respectable family, even his grandfather was Indonesian national hero ( even has his name for one of the protocol road)
He took me to his family house in South Area after he never come back home. It was surprising and his house was in elite housing i can tell. His mom like me and we talk for hours.
I fell for him, I saw his struggle and I helped him whatever that I can help. Everything even money. He can't afford anything and didn't want to depend on his mom.
But something was wrong and I found out He was a drug user. Also a drug dealer. Omfg. And I still wanted to be with him because I think I can change him. Nope I can't until forever and ever.
The final time was he told me police catch him whatsoever and wanted me to transfer money to his account for bail. I sent all I have that time, and I just started work as an intern in a radio station.
After that, I never see him again. Until I saw his social media that he move to Bandung and have new girlfriend not up to 1 month after he lost every contact with me. After that police case.
I went to his mom and crying. I told her that he really break my heart and his mom can't do anything. She was also speechless.
I was so deppresed that time, I feel deeply betrayed. I gave all I have, my love, my money, my trust and he just having fun with another woman. And they married not long after.
I found out that the girlfriend was pregnant and have baby few months later. So, even when he still with me he already with that girl and I don't even know what for the money I sent to him before.
I blame myself for my stupidity and my good heart to him. I never really blame him, I blame myself more.
That period of time I became alcoholic. I drink alcohol right after I woke up and right before I slept at night. I woke up at 3 o clock in the afternoon and sleep at 6 o clock in the morning. I even skip classes and skip work. One of my darkest time.
I cut my wrist and I wanted to kill my self. I wasn't eat for weeks, I smoke and drink alcohol only. I was dying. But my journey to find my other half will continue again and again.
To be continued...
Years of looking for my other half (3)
I was 19 and I started to start a quest to find my other half. I used internet dating website. I have nothing to be afraid of. I was ready for anything. With rage in my heart and a heartbreak open wound.
I thought I had this realistic point of view on looking for my next love. This time I won't fall again. I need to find someone that really mature and can take care of me.
I had specific type of man now. I don't want to be with Indonesian anymore. Yep. I look for foreigners.
I chat many people, maybe like 30 something people. I blocked whoever that only looking for sex or scammers in general. I only wanted a real person that will do the distance for me. Nothing less.
I met few of them, man from around the globe. Irish, Scottish, American, African American, lots of Aussies. They do this for work mostly, mining company workers, businessman, artist, yoga teacher even athlete. The athlete one is real athlete I saw him play basketball on TV.
Most of them are nice but don't want real relationship, so I eliminated them. I have goal now.
There is one guy who stay in Australia, never visit Indonesia before, work in mining industry in his town and willing to visit Indonesia just for me. I thought he was lying, but nope. He really came and we met after 6 months of intense video call. He introduce me to his mom and sister via Skype. He's a genuine man.
He was 17 years older than me, never married and want to find love. I said why not? Let's try and see what will happen. I was 19 he was 36. What a huge gap. But I'm not a type of person who see people from their age, everybody's is the same no matter their age or nationality. After all they're human and they have unique life story.
He showed up and his mind is different from any people I knew before. He is intelligent and very open minded. I like open minded person whom I can talk anything without getting intimidated. I love his way of thinking. He's everything to me. Everything I ever wanted and financially stable.
I dated him for 2 years, from 19 to 21. That 2 years of my life I felt like living in a dream. He came to Jakarta every single month for one week. He treated me like princess. He always gave me everything that I wanted, every food that I wanted to eat. We went to every five stars hotel and finest restaurant.
We went to Bali several times of course stay in five star villas and YES! Same date the following year I swear to myself I have to go to Bali to show my ex, It really happened. I went to his restaurant where he worked with my new foreigner boyfriend who was so so so much more than him.
I win. At least I prove myself that I can have someone better than him.
He kind of proposed me that time and ask me to marry him. I said no. Not until I finish school because for me education is number one. He offered me to go to Australia with him and continue my degree there. I said no. I'm glad I didn't say yes.
Around a year, I saw changes in his personality. He was not that sunny anymore. He drink a lot. He was very deppresed and like to yelled at me. I was crying all the time and I swear to God, I was afraid to see him.
He was tall and big. Way much bigger than me (I'm a big girl myself, you can imagine how big he is, like 190 cms something) I wanted to run literally to save my life. He get abusive and I was not comfortable at all.
That day around 2 years, I finally decide to ended the relationship and call it to an end for good. He was angry like I never see before, he threatens me with any cursed words possible. He wanted to go to my house and sue me for whatever expenses he gave to me. (I never ask for any money, all the expenses literally just hotel bills and restaurant bills which he enjoy also). He just wanted to make me afraid and terrorized my life.
It ended for good. So my journey to find my other half is now tiring me already. But I never give up.
To be continued...
I thought I had this realistic point of view on looking for my next love. This time I won't fall again. I need to find someone that really mature and can take care of me.
I had specific type of man now. I don't want to be with Indonesian anymore. Yep. I look for foreigners.
I chat many people, maybe like 30 something people. I blocked whoever that only looking for sex or scammers in general. I only wanted a real person that will do the distance for me. Nothing less.
I met few of them, man from around the globe. Irish, Scottish, American, African American, lots of Aussies. They do this for work mostly, mining company workers, businessman, artist, yoga teacher even athlete. The athlete one is real athlete I saw him play basketball on TV.
Most of them are nice but don't want real relationship, so I eliminated them. I have goal now.
There is one guy who stay in Australia, never visit Indonesia before, work in mining industry in his town and willing to visit Indonesia just for me. I thought he was lying, but nope. He really came and we met after 6 months of intense video call. He introduce me to his mom and sister via Skype. He's a genuine man.
He was 17 years older than me, never married and want to find love. I said why not? Let's try and see what will happen. I was 19 he was 36. What a huge gap. But I'm not a type of person who see people from their age, everybody's is the same no matter their age or nationality. After all they're human and they have unique life story.
He showed up and his mind is different from any people I knew before. He is intelligent and very open minded. I like open minded person whom I can talk anything without getting intimidated. I love his way of thinking. He's everything to me. Everything I ever wanted and financially stable.
I dated him for 2 years, from 19 to 21. That 2 years of my life I felt like living in a dream. He came to Jakarta every single month for one week. He treated me like princess. He always gave me everything that I wanted, every food that I wanted to eat. We went to every five stars hotel and finest restaurant.
We went to Bali several times of course stay in five star villas and YES! Same date the following year I swear to myself I have to go to Bali to show my ex, It really happened. I went to his restaurant where he worked with my new foreigner boyfriend who was so so so much more than him.
I win. At least I prove myself that I can have someone better than him.
He kind of proposed me that time and ask me to marry him. I said no. Not until I finish school because for me education is number one. He offered me to go to Australia with him and continue my degree there. I said no. I'm glad I didn't say yes.
Around a year, I saw changes in his personality. He was not that sunny anymore. He drink a lot. He was very deppresed and like to yelled at me. I was crying all the time and I swear to God, I was afraid to see him.
He was tall and big. Way much bigger than me (I'm a big girl myself, you can imagine how big he is, like 190 cms something) I wanted to run literally to save my life. He get abusive and I was not comfortable at all.
That day around 2 years, I finally decide to ended the relationship and call it to an end for good. He was angry like I never see before, he threatens me with any cursed words possible. He wanted to go to my house and sue me for whatever expenses he gave to me. (I never ask for any money, all the expenses literally just hotel bills and restaurant bills which he enjoy also). He just wanted to make me afraid and terrorized my life.
It ended for good. So my journey to find my other half is now tiring me already. But I never give up.
To be continued...
Years of looking for my other half (2)
This was my severe heart break of all time. My first love. I was 15 when I met him in a church outing. We went to puncak and he was the leader of my group. All I can say he was a cool boy, he doesn't like to talk much but I saw him very charming. He was 5 years older than me, I was in 9th grade, he was 12th grade. Last year of highschool. He not passed grade 2 times. (That's why he's older than most of his classmate friends)
At first I never interested in him, but because of his very gentle personality I fall for him. He was like the 'dad' figure in our group. Very thoughtful of another member and obviously he liked me because my mysterious traits. I never talk to anybody but I did very competitive in every games and like to take the lead.
I remember he came after me after dinner and just sit next to me looking at the sky and asking me standard questions, where my school, which grade. He went to different school. I was like very cold and never respond to him. He never gave up and really pay attention to me whenever I need anything. He was a gentleman I can say. Not like the other careless boys I knew, I can see he respect woman.
He ask my phone number and I kind of waiting for him but he never contact me until about 3 months he went straight to me after church and drove me home. He asked my number again. Turned out he lost one number from the previous number I gave him. That's why his message never reach me. I appreciate his effort and we went to church every week after that. I do like him because of his personality. He was so sweet and everything nice.
Surprisingly, he was a total different guy when he was not with me. He was like a very troubled guy at school, a bad boy who likes to fight. Literally. I don't even know how many other students he already fight with. It all ended with blood, there was one boy who had nose broken and brain damage because of him. He also a drug dealer in his school. Real narcotics drug.
I was in total shocked but he showed me a very different person, he was so sensitively romantic, like poetry, and gave me flowers. There was one time he took me to menteng park and bow down to ask if I wanted to be his girlfriend, he gave me flowers. My first happy time in love. I was so in love with him.
My parents didn't like him because of his trouble maker reputation, and he came from eastern indonesia. My parents always think eastern people are not responsible, like to party a lit and drug dealers which he was. Later on police looking for him and catch one of his friend. He moved to Bali and never come back to Jakarta until now.
So, we did everything backstreet way. We saw each other after I finished school. He went to my school all the way from his campus (after graduate from highschool he went to a culinary school) and drop me home. I was so happy being with him but because of his reputation and lifestyle, I really have to leave him. So I did when I went to high school, I never contacted him anymore, just disappeared for 3 years straight.
3 years passed by, I tried to search his Facebook and contacted him again. He was in Bali, working there (and runaway from Jakarta). I went to Bali to visit him and once again, I fell in love so deeply. All the memories are perfect. We went to beach in the night, see the stars and planning our future together. He wanted me to go to his village in Flores and build our little house in his father land. We talk about wedding, everything. Oh. I thought I was so closed to find my other half. I made a decision that this is the person, my perfect man for the rest of my life.
We did long distance relationship for about a year. We talked on phone every day, he was so sweet and all. I wrote him love letters every single fucking day, and I kept it to give him on his birthday on november that year. I planned everything, from flight, hotel, every single damn thing, writing on his cake and all of my poetry of him.
On October, He disappeared for 2 weeks. He never pick my call or reply my message but his phone always ringing. Something's wrong but I keep positive. Maybe he's busy with his job or whatever. At the end of 2 weeks, he sms me like this : I'm sorry Hesy, we can't be together again any longer. I'm so busy and I can't continue this relationship anymore. If God has different plan, we will meet again.
I was in my friend's house in pasar baru, we had this book launch meeting and I was with many of them. Like surrounded by 15 people when I got that message. I cried and I can't even move my limbs. I'm in the middle of eating nasi goreng, I can't even taste the nasi goreng anymore. That was like the only time my heart skip a beat. Like I stopped breathing for a second and it felt like something stabbed my heart. It was real. It was paining me physically. I wanted to die. I cried nonstop for weeks. I asked him for another reason but he never reply anything at all. I left in the cold.
Lucky me, I was so busy that moment. I had book launch event, I was very active on my University extracurricular, I even try to sell food and anything. I made money on my own and keep myself busy. I had great grades also. So, I channeled all my sorrow to something positive.
Around few weeks after that, I have the urge to stalk him from my friend's Facebook and wanted to know what's going on in his life. I found out, he is in relationship with another girl. I was deppresed, I was angry and I felt like why he betrayed me like that. My heart broke again but now with anger.
I called him like many times and the other girl pick. She sad he's mine now. I was very very angry and cursed her. Finally she gave the phone to him and let me talked to him. I asked why you did this to me. He asnwered because I was always acting smart in front of him. Like I knew everything (because I literally knew more than him). I did talk to him about random things like new inventions, another culture from another countries, world news. Turn out he never interested in whatever I shared to him. He was intimidated by me and he prefer to be with the waitress in restaurant he worked. He cheated on me.
Life is fair. I never wanted to be with a guy who lack of knowledge and never thrive to do anything more in his life. He is now married to the same girl he cheated on me. I found out universe have bigger plan on me than being ended up with that kind of man.
After a long journey of hoping in something, I finally realized that he really not my other half.
On that day I found out he was cheated on me, I swear to myself that I have to go to Bali in the next year with my new boyfriend and my boyfriend have to be much much better than him.
It will be happening on the next year, same date as the year I swear to myself..
To be continued...
At first I never interested in him, but because of his very gentle personality I fall for him. He was like the 'dad' figure in our group. Very thoughtful of another member and obviously he liked me because my mysterious traits. I never talk to anybody but I did very competitive in every games and like to take the lead.
I remember he came after me after dinner and just sit next to me looking at the sky and asking me standard questions, where my school, which grade. He went to different school. I was like very cold and never respond to him. He never gave up and really pay attention to me whenever I need anything. He was a gentleman I can say. Not like the other careless boys I knew, I can see he respect woman.
He ask my phone number and I kind of waiting for him but he never contact me until about 3 months he went straight to me after church and drove me home. He asked my number again. Turned out he lost one number from the previous number I gave him. That's why his message never reach me. I appreciate his effort and we went to church every week after that. I do like him because of his personality. He was so sweet and everything nice.
Surprisingly, he was a total different guy when he was not with me. He was like a very troubled guy at school, a bad boy who likes to fight. Literally. I don't even know how many other students he already fight with. It all ended with blood, there was one boy who had nose broken and brain damage because of him. He also a drug dealer in his school. Real narcotics drug.
I was in total shocked but he showed me a very different person, he was so sensitively romantic, like poetry, and gave me flowers. There was one time he took me to menteng park and bow down to ask if I wanted to be his girlfriend, he gave me flowers. My first happy time in love. I was so in love with him.
My parents didn't like him because of his trouble maker reputation, and he came from eastern indonesia. My parents always think eastern people are not responsible, like to party a lit and drug dealers which he was. Later on police looking for him and catch one of his friend. He moved to Bali and never come back to Jakarta until now.
So, we did everything backstreet way. We saw each other after I finished school. He went to my school all the way from his campus (after graduate from highschool he went to a culinary school) and drop me home. I was so happy being with him but because of his reputation and lifestyle, I really have to leave him. So I did when I went to high school, I never contacted him anymore, just disappeared for 3 years straight.
3 years passed by, I tried to search his Facebook and contacted him again. He was in Bali, working there (and runaway from Jakarta). I went to Bali to visit him and once again, I fell in love so deeply. All the memories are perfect. We went to beach in the night, see the stars and planning our future together. He wanted me to go to his village in Flores and build our little house in his father land. We talk about wedding, everything. Oh. I thought I was so closed to find my other half. I made a decision that this is the person, my perfect man for the rest of my life.
We did long distance relationship for about a year. We talked on phone every day, he was so sweet and all. I wrote him love letters every single fucking day, and I kept it to give him on his birthday on november that year. I planned everything, from flight, hotel, every single damn thing, writing on his cake and all of my poetry of him.
On October, He disappeared for 2 weeks. He never pick my call or reply my message but his phone always ringing. Something's wrong but I keep positive. Maybe he's busy with his job or whatever. At the end of 2 weeks, he sms me like this : I'm sorry Hesy, we can't be together again any longer. I'm so busy and I can't continue this relationship anymore. If God has different plan, we will meet again.
I was in my friend's house in pasar baru, we had this book launch meeting and I was with many of them. Like surrounded by 15 people when I got that message. I cried and I can't even move my limbs. I'm in the middle of eating nasi goreng, I can't even taste the nasi goreng anymore. That was like the only time my heart skip a beat. Like I stopped breathing for a second and it felt like something stabbed my heart. It was real. It was paining me physically. I wanted to die. I cried nonstop for weeks. I asked him for another reason but he never reply anything at all. I left in the cold.
Lucky me, I was so busy that moment. I had book launch event, I was very active on my University extracurricular, I even try to sell food and anything. I made money on my own and keep myself busy. I had great grades also. So, I channeled all my sorrow to something positive.
Around few weeks after that, I have the urge to stalk him from my friend's Facebook and wanted to know what's going on in his life. I found out, he is in relationship with another girl. I was deppresed, I was angry and I felt like why he betrayed me like that. My heart broke again but now with anger.
I called him like many times and the other girl pick. She sad he's mine now. I was very very angry and cursed her. Finally she gave the phone to him and let me talked to him. I asked why you did this to me. He asnwered because I was always acting smart in front of him. Like I knew everything (because I literally knew more than him). I did talk to him about random things like new inventions, another culture from another countries, world news. Turn out he never interested in whatever I shared to him. He was intimidated by me and he prefer to be with the waitress in restaurant he worked. He cheated on me.
Life is fair. I never wanted to be with a guy who lack of knowledge and never thrive to do anything more in his life. He is now married to the same girl he cheated on me. I found out universe have bigger plan on me than being ended up with that kind of man.
After a long journey of hoping in something, I finally realized that he really not my other half.
On that day I found out he was cheated on me, I swear to myself that I have to go to Bali in the next year with my new boyfriend and my boyfriend have to be much much better than him.
It will be happening on the next year, same date as the year I swear to myself..
To be continued...
Years of looking for my other half (1)
I realize that currently I'm at the end of my 20s, I'll be 27 soon. So I conclude that I past teenager and youth phase of my life safely but bruised severely.
I like to talk about my past to my friends, but maybe they're sick of listening to my story again and again so, I will just pour it up here.
My love life is like a book literally, and very random and crazy stories.
I started dating when I was about 15, before that I just like boys from a far and never do anything about it. Well I did though.
When I was 12 (6 grade) I like a boy who 6 years older than me, he was 12 grade or last year of highschool. I don't know why but I like him a lot. He was the most beautiful boy I ever see. The first human being I admire.
I was a very creepy secret admirer. I was looking for his information everywhere. Where he live (from library computer and yearbook after he graduate from highschool) , where he go on weekend, which time he go to church, which car he drove (I remember all the plates) , even every sandal he wore.
I follow him when he go home, I stalk him every where, I stalk his mom, his sister, even try to look for any information on whatever he like from his friend. I go distance to sms his friend. I literally ask my friend who join orchestra extracurricular to give me number of his class mate. I did ask him and met him. Remember,I was 12 and his friend was 17. I was so confident I don't even know why.
So, I dig informations about him and finally got his number. I was so happy and afraid at that time. I was nervous and want to vomit before I press send on my first sms. My first sms was hi, can we be friends? I want to know you more, then we talk excessively everyday. I was so happy but I never tell him who I was. He never know me or my name.
I researched all of his hobby, I read his favourite comic books, I learned basketball well, only the rules so we can talk about it. I learned tennis also, because I know he play tennis on weekend.
I even ask my mom about him from his sister. My mom was his sister lecturer in University. So my mom knew I was crazy about him. I even ask my mom to look for his information from his mom. I ask my mom to talk to his mom. Omfg. I was a crazy obsessive 12 year old girl.
The day finally come after about a year of stalking and endless research. We made appointment to meet. We sit side by side in church and do small conversation for the first and the last time. He seemed not interested in me. What do you expect young Hesy?? I was a 12 yrs old girl who never have boyfriend or any romantic experience, I never care about my looks (I didn't know anything yet about make up or whatsoever). Clearly as 18 yr old boy, he look for somebody at least 2 yrs younger and good looking. I knew now his preference. He like petite girl and light skin girl (his present wife) I was tall, I think he even shorter than me and have dark skin.
After we met, he never sms me anymore, but I still sms him everyday good morning and good night, greet him birthday wishes or any motivational quotes. He only reply yes and thank you. Until one day a girl call me on my house line to stay away from him and yelled at me being a 'relationship wrecker'. First of all I didn't even know he had girlfriend, he never responded to me well after we met, and he never sms me back with any romantic text.
I crushed for the first time ever to a boy who never even value me or my effort. I remember I cried in the shower and can't eat for days. I avoid him at the church, I avoid him at the English course (I found out he also study English at the same place but only different level, I study there like 10 years and we passed each other years before I even know him)
My first ever heart break and not even had a chance to develop to any romantic relationship.
The boy after this is his friend. Yep. The friend whom I know this guy from. He was a 'bad boy' type. A school band guitarist. Very different from the nerdy first one. I didn't like him at first but I was so heart broken, so I kind of want to experience what being in relationship like.
We met in church then he took me to Monas with his motorbike. We talk about lots of things and he gave me an offer. To be his girlfriend for a night. I agreed. Then I have my first kiss there. My first ever physical contact with boys and I can't get over it. I like when he hug me and fall for him instantly. At the end of the night he drop me in front of my house and give me another offer to be his girlfriend for a week. I agreed.
We met after school in front of mary statue at the church garden. We just looking at each other and talk about our day before we went home. He never introduced me to his friends or even say hi when we passed. He pretend that he don't know me. It was a backstreet relationship. We only gave code to each other and secretly meet when all the students go home, when the school empty.
A week past and turn into months, about 2 months he graduated from highschool and just cut me off. He said he was going to study abroad and will never see me again. He never contact me since, even a single word. Again I was crushed. I hospitalized for 2 weeks the day after and he never go to hospital to see me. I cried everyday at the hospital. I was 13. I never consider this was a serious relationship but I crushed already.
To be continued...
I like to talk about my past to my friends, but maybe they're sick of listening to my story again and again so, I will just pour it up here.
My love life is like a book literally, and very random and crazy stories.
I started dating when I was about 15, before that I just like boys from a far and never do anything about it. Well I did though.
When I was 12 (6 grade) I like a boy who 6 years older than me, he was 12 grade or last year of highschool. I don't know why but I like him a lot. He was the most beautiful boy I ever see. The first human being I admire.
I was a very creepy secret admirer. I was looking for his information everywhere. Where he live (from library computer and yearbook after he graduate from highschool) , where he go on weekend, which time he go to church, which car he drove (I remember all the plates) , even every sandal he wore.
I follow him when he go home, I stalk him every where, I stalk his mom, his sister, even try to look for any information on whatever he like from his friend. I go distance to sms his friend. I literally ask my friend who join orchestra extracurricular to give me number of his class mate. I did ask him and met him. Remember,I was 12 and his friend was 17. I was so confident I don't even know why.
So, I dig informations about him and finally got his number. I was so happy and afraid at that time. I was nervous and want to vomit before I press send on my first sms. My first sms was hi, can we be friends? I want to know you more, then we talk excessively everyday. I was so happy but I never tell him who I was. He never know me or my name.
I researched all of his hobby, I read his favourite comic books, I learned basketball well, only the rules so we can talk about it. I learned tennis also, because I know he play tennis on weekend.
I even ask my mom about him from his sister. My mom was his sister lecturer in University. So my mom knew I was crazy about him. I even ask my mom to look for his information from his mom. I ask my mom to talk to his mom. Omfg. I was a crazy obsessive 12 year old girl.
The day finally come after about a year of stalking and endless research. We made appointment to meet. We sit side by side in church and do small conversation for the first and the last time. He seemed not interested in me. What do you expect young Hesy?? I was a 12 yrs old girl who never have boyfriend or any romantic experience, I never care about my looks (I didn't know anything yet about make up or whatsoever). Clearly as 18 yr old boy, he look for somebody at least 2 yrs younger and good looking. I knew now his preference. He like petite girl and light skin girl (his present wife) I was tall, I think he even shorter than me and have dark skin.
After we met, he never sms me anymore, but I still sms him everyday good morning and good night, greet him birthday wishes or any motivational quotes. He only reply yes and thank you. Until one day a girl call me on my house line to stay away from him and yelled at me being a 'relationship wrecker'. First of all I didn't even know he had girlfriend, he never responded to me well after we met, and he never sms me back with any romantic text.
I crushed for the first time ever to a boy who never even value me or my effort. I remember I cried in the shower and can't eat for days. I avoid him at the church, I avoid him at the English course (I found out he also study English at the same place but only different level, I study there like 10 years and we passed each other years before I even know him)
My first ever heart break and not even had a chance to develop to any romantic relationship.
The boy after this is his friend. Yep. The friend whom I know this guy from. He was a 'bad boy' type. A school band guitarist. Very different from the nerdy first one. I didn't like him at first but I was so heart broken, so I kind of want to experience what being in relationship like.
We met in church then he took me to Monas with his motorbike. We talk about lots of things and he gave me an offer. To be his girlfriend for a night. I agreed. Then I have my first kiss there. My first ever physical contact with boys and I can't get over it. I like when he hug me and fall for him instantly. At the end of the night he drop me in front of my house and give me another offer to be his girlfriend for a week. I agreed.
We met after school in front of mary statue at the church garden. We just looking at each other and talk about our day before we went home. He never introduced me to his friends or even say hi when we passed. He pretend that he don't know me. It was a backstreet relationship. We only gave code to each other and secretly meet when all the students go home, when the school empty.
A week past and turn into months, about 2 months he graduated from highschool and just cut me off. He said he was going to study abroad and will never see me again. He never contact me since, even a single word. Again I was crushed. I hospitalized for 2 weeks the day after and he never go to hospital to see me. I cried everyday at the hospital. I was 13. I never consider this was a serious relationship but I crushed already.
To be continued...
The Past
Have you narrate your own life journey over and over again before you sleep? If you do, I'm doing it also. I can't help to tell myself story of the past as a lullaby.
I ask myself everyday before I sleep how can I get where I am now and i rewind every moment I went through every single night. Weird huh? I really don't know if any of you do the same, but please let me know if you do.
Sometimes I ask myself if I'm obsessed of my past or I just can't let go of whatever happened to me. I bring back memories that recorded to my brain excessively and vividly. I even can smell and remember every little detail of certain memory that came to me and always give me teary eyes. More like watching a movie with you being the actor. Ican call back a sad memory or a happy one, depend on my mood that day.
My happiest moment mostly with my family or time I traveled back in the day. I do lots of travel with my friends and collect happiest times of my life.
My sad moments came up when I feel like I want to pity myself, I don't know why but sometimes I do feel comfortable when I feel sad. I know it's not healthy but I just can't help it.
My sad moments are my failed relationship, betrayal, abandonment, and whatever I think I made wrong decisions of my life.
I know everything must have a reason, even failures. Sometimes not having what you want is a stroke of luck even when you can't see it now but you will see one day why it doesn't worked out that way just like when I see my past from present moment like what I do now.
Must be a reason why I feltq broken hearted many times because all of them are not even close to my standard, I just desperately wanted to be loved. The lesson learned, I have to love myself first before I let other people to love me. I can't pour from an empty cup.
Many lessons that I learned until today and I keep learning every day. How to let go things that not deserved me anymore. Let go of expectations on how people should treat me, because clearly I can't rely on what people do toward me, they can't do whatever I expect them to do.
All I need is time to let go, to understand that people are different from me, and I can't wait on them to full fill my wants.
I ask myself everyday before I sleep how can I get where I am now and i rewind every moment I went through every single night. Weird huh? I really don't know if any of you do the same, but please let me know if you do.
Sometimes I ask myself if I'm obsessed of my past or I just can't let go of whatever happened to me. I bring back memories that recorded to my brain excessively and vividly. I even can smell and remember every little detail of certain memory that came to me and always give me teary eyes. More like watching a movie with you being the actor. Ican call back a sad memory or a happy one, depend on my mood that day.
My happiest moment mostly with my family or time I traveled back in the day. I do lots of travel with my friends and collect happiest times of my life.
My sad moments came up when I feel like I want to pity myself, I don't know why but sometimes I do feel comfortable when I feel sad. I know it's not healthy but I just can't help it.
My sad moments are my failed relationship, betrayal, abandonment, and whatever I think I made wrong decisions of my life.
I know everything must have a reason, even failures. Sometimes not having what you want is a stroke of luck even when you can't see it now but you will see one day why it doesn't worked out that way just like when I see my past from present moment like what I do now.
Must be a reason why I feltq broken hearted many times because all of them are not even close to my standard, I just desperately wanted to be loved. The lesson learned, I have to love myself first before I let other people to love me. I can't pour from an empty cup.
Many lessons that I learned until today and I keep learning every day. How to let go things that not deserved me anymore. Let go of expectations on how people should treat me, because clearly I can't rely on what people do toward me, they can't do whatever I expect them to do.
All I need is time to let go, to understand that people are different from me, and I can't wait on them to full fill my wants.
Sunday, 2 September 2018
Blindfolded
When you feel like you're blindfolded, not knowing what will going to happen there's nothing to do other than accept the fact that you can't control everything. Powerless that's the word. Suddenly you realize that you don't have power over your life. Life is just going crazy, like a broken compass. You trapped between memories of the past and the uncertain of the future.
This is the time to learn about yourself, to contemplate the deeper meaning of life .For me there's a lesson that I learned, I can't control anything or anyone. I can only control what's my reaction to it.
I have to cheer my self up everyday just to go through the day. I never think what will happen tomorrow or the following day. Tomorrow will unfold itself, after all sun will always rise again.
I just wish and pray that I will be happy again and tomorrow will be better than today. I know I'm strong enough. I can do anything.
This is the time to learn about yourself, to contemplate the deeper meaning of life .For me there's a lesson that I learned, I can't control anything or anyone. I can only control what's my reaction to it.
I have to cheer my self up everyday just to go through the day. I never think what will happen tomorrow or the following day. Tomorrow will unfold itself, after all sun will always rise again.
I just wish and pray that I will be happy again and tomorrow will be better than today. I know I'm strong enough. I can do anything.
Saturday, 11 August 2018
I Don’t Want To Look Desperate By Texting You Twice
I don’t want to text you too many times in a row. I don’t want to be the only one initiating conversations, either. I feel like you should take charge for a change. You should be coming up with a topic, you should be reaching out to me, you should be making me feel wanted so the relationship (or whatever this is between us) doesn’t tilt to one side.
I wish you would text me already so I wouldn’t have to worry about whether you have been thinking of me too. I wish you would make your feelings obvious. I wish you would stop holding yourself back.
Even though we have good conversations, even though it seems like you are always excited to hear from me, I’m worried about sending the first text again. I don’t want to look like you are the only thing on my mind, even though it’s the truth. I don’t want to come across as desperate when I am hoping you will see me as desirable.
Maybe I am overthinking things, maybe I shouldn’t worry about something as silly as a text, but I am worried about coming on too strong. I don’t want to annoy you. I don’t want to be the only one trying.
If you aren’t texting me, then I should take that as a sign that you don’t want to talk to me. Or at least that you are too busy to talk.
Even though I should probably leave you alone, I have been struggling to ignore the temptation to text you again. But at the same time, I wantto talk to you. I want to joke around with you. I want to flirt with you. I have been dying to hear from you.
Why should I hold myself back from starting a conversation with you when it would make me happy? Why should I keep my distance from you when it is going to make me miserable? Why should I bother playing by the rules of a modern dating game I don’t even believe in?
I want to talk to you and I’m not sure how much longer I can wait for you to send the first text. I know I’m going to give in soon, because the thought of not hearing from you makes me sick to my stomach.
That could be a bad sign. It could mean that you are not as invested in me as I am in you. It could mean we are on completely separate pages. After all, if it’s this hard for me to go a few days without talking to you, but you are able to last weeks without it bothering you, then you clearly don’t care about me as much as I care about you.
Maybe I should give up on you. Or maybe I should keep trying. I haven’t figured that out yet.
I don’t know why I’m making such a big deal over whether or not to send a text, but whenever your name appears on my screen, it feels like a big deal. It feels like everything is okay again.
Thought catalogue
Tuesday, 26 June 2018
Isolation
In this past few months I isolate myself from outer world. My only window of the world is social media and YouTube. I even deactivate my Instagram and Facebook because everytime I open social media, I become more lonely because I can only see my 'friends' look like having fun on their own. So social media is not for me now.
I cut every contact from everybody that I know. I run away from the world for a reason that I never sure what for. I don't know how this thing will end. I'm waiting for something that uncertain. Nobody know about what I've been doing. I just want to run away from everything and this make me insane from day to day. I've been hiding myself from things I don't know.
I am at the wrong place, wrong time. Everything are just wrong. All of my needs are fulfilled but not happiness. Even I want to run away from my own escape plan.
I'm on my own and nobody can help me now, I have nobody by myside. They're busy on their own and People around me just want to control me for whatever they think good for me. I trapped.
What kind of life test is this God? What karma should I pay for this? God help me. Set me free from any bad things that want to drag me down.
I cut every contact from everybody that I know. I run away from the world for a reason that I never sure what for. I don't know how this thing will end. I'm waiting for something that uncertain. Nobody know about what I've been doing. I just want to run away from everything and this make me insane from day to day. I've been hiding myself from things I don't know.
I am at the wrong place, wrong time. Everything are just wrong. All of my needs are fulfilled but not happiness. Even I want to run away from my own escape plan.
I'm on my own and nobody can help me now, I have nobody by myside. They're busy on their own and People around me just want to control me for whatever they think good for me. I trapped.
What kind of life test is this God? What karma should I pay for this? God help me. Set me free from any bad things that want to drag me down.
Friday, 22 June 2018
Pelakor?
I'm making this blog refer to the term of 'pelakor' which is very popular right now. What is pelakor? Pelakor is simply mistresses. Woman who date a married man.
Dating a married man? What can be wrong?
Everything!
This is for you who caught in the middle of the 'situation'.
So let me give you pro's and con's from pelakor point of view.
Pro's :
1. You don't have to deal with his dirty laundry. It seems easy to have relationship with them because you never know what kind of guy he is when you live together. You don't need to cook or take care of him when he's sick.
2. Easy money. Yes, you can get money without thinking his financial situation. If he's broke, who cares? You just find another one, because you know you're not attached to him.
3. No attachment (unless you have child together but even you have child, you are not the legitimate wife so you considered not attached to him) when you are not attached to him, you can do everything you want. You don't have to worry about boundaries from him. If he's jealous seeing you with another man, he can't be mad.
Cons :
1. He will never choose you. Be realistic. He will come back to his wife and children because he married the wife legitimately in front of everybody. He will never choose you.
2. The money might not be all yours. After all he still have mouths to feed right? So don't expect he will give you all. You are only his 'escape'
3. Even when you love each other, he simply can't leave his wife because of the pressure from society. It is a very big risk to choose you. Even when he choose you, you will be mocked from everybody for the rest of your life.
From all pros cons, it is very clear that if you are a woman, you don't want to be pelakor but it is depend on the intention. If you expect stability and love, don't go for married man. If you only just want money , go for it.
So now, let's see from the wife point of view.
1. You can't blame your husband fully. Maybe it's you who not appreciate your man well. Men is a very simple and short fused creature. When they don't get what he wants, he will looking for another 'choices available' even when he said he loves you. It doesn't matter to him. Man really need to have that sense of control, so when he think he can't control his marriage, he will find another subject to be controlled for. For this situation, that pelakor. He feel that the pelakor depend on him more (which is not true) . So don't take it too personal.
2. There will be time when you think, how come he can do that to you? Men are not emotional like woman and they sometimes not feel guilty of what he done, so they look for sex mostly and their ultimate reason will be : you are my wife how i can't leave you. You will be number one. Which is true, if he choose that woman, he will be doomed.
3. You actually have the power here. You can sue him in the court and take his money for child support for the rest of his life. Leave him or forgive him. If you leave him, don't be afraid to start new life. If you forgive, remember : man will never have remorse. He will do that again. Only a few that have remorse, mostly because he knows he don't have anything anymore and he depend on you on everything.
So if you are the husband here this is the point you need to remember :
1. Appreciate your wife, she choose you in the beginning and said yes to all your flaws. If she know this thing would happen, she will never marry you in the first place. Remember, you made decisions in front of everyone. Don't ruin your credibility for another woman.
2. That woman you have affair with is not stupid. She probably know all the worst possibility that will happen but maybe she need you just for 'money issue' if she said she love you, it might be true but she know already that this affair can't last forever and she might have another plan.
3. In the name of sex, just don't ruin your own life! Many will get hurt. Your wife, your children and all of your family. Be a responsible man! Be consistent!
4. Nobody's perfect. You can't have the most perfect woman. That woman have sides that she never show you, you don't know if you stay with her, if it will work out or not. Once again, you never be with her 24/7. She is not look as perfect as you see. You might end up regret what you did.
I'm not trying to judge here, everybody have their own decisions. At the end of the day, the consequences are on your own. Make sure you make right choices for your own. It's not complicated as you think. Go for who you love. Forgive if you really forgive, and leave if you can't take it anymore. You know what's best for you.
Dating a married man? What can be wrong?
Everything!
This is for you who caught in the middle of the 'situation'.
So let me give you pro's and con's from pelakor point of view.
Pro's :
1. You don't have to deal with his dirty laundry. It seems easy to have relationship with them because you never know what kind of guy he is when you live together. You don't need to cook or take care of him when he's sick.
2. Easy money. Yes, you can get money without thinking his financial situation. If he's broke, who cares? You just find another one, because you know you're not attached to him.
3. No attachment (unless you have child together but even you have child, you are not the legitimate wife so you considered not attached to him) when you are not attached to him, you can do everything you want. You don't have to worry about boundaries from him. If he's jealous seeing you with another man, he can't be mad.
Cons :
1. He will never choose you. Be realistic. He will come back to his wife and children because he married the wife legitimately in front of everybody. He will never choose you.
2. The money might not be all yours. After all he still have mouths to feed right? So don't expect he will give you all. You are only his 'escape'
3. Even when you love each other, he simply can't leave his wife because of the pressure from society. It is a very big risk to choose you. Even when he choose you, you will be mocked from everybody for the rest of your life.
From all pros cons, it is very clear that if you are a woman, you don't want to be pelakor but it is depend on the intention. If you expect stability and love, don't go for married man. If you only just want money , go for it.
So now, let's see from the wife point of view.
1. You can't blame your husband fully. Maybe it's you who not appreciate your man well. Men is a very simple and short fused creature. When they don't get what he wants, he will looking for another 'choices available' even when he said he loves you. It doesn't matter to him. Man really need to have that sense of control, so when he think he can't control his marriage, he will find another subject to be controlled for. For this situation, that pelakor. He feel that the pelakor depend on him more (which is not true) . So don't take it too personal.
2. There will be time when you think, how come he can do that to you? Men are not emotional like woman and they sometimes not feel guilty of what he done, so they look for sex mostly and their ultimate reason will be : you are my wife how i can't leave you. You will be number one. Which is true, if he choose that woman, he will be doomed.
3. You actually have the power here. You can sue him in the court and take his money for child support for the rest of his life. Leave him or forgive him. If you leave him, don't be afraid to start new life. If you forgive, remember : man will never have remorse. He will do that again. Only a few that have remorse, mostly because he knows he don't have anything anymore and he depend on you on everything.
So if you are the husband here this is the point you need to remember :
1. Appreciate your wife, she choose you in the beginning and said yes to all your flaws. If she know this thing would happen, she will never marry you in the first place. Remember, you made decisions in front of everyone. Don't ruin your credibility for another woman.
2. That woman you have affair with is not stupid. She probably know all the worst possibility that will happen but maybe she need you just for 'money issue' if she said she love you, it might be true but she know already that this affair can't last forever and she might have another plan.
3. In the name of sex, just don't ruin your own life! Many will get hurt. Your wife, your children and all of your family. Be a responsible man! Be consistent!
4. Nobody's perfect. You can't have the most perfect woman. That woman have sides that she never show you, you don't know if you stay with her, if it will work out or not. Once again, you never be with her 24/7. She is not look as perfect as you see. You might end up regret what you did.
I'm not trying to judge here, everybody have their own decisions. At the end of the day, the consequences are on your own. Make sure you make right choices for your own. It's not complicated as you think. Go for who you love. Forgive if you really forgive, and leave if you can't take it anymore. You know what's best for you.
Tuesday, 19 June 2018
Family
Having a big family is a blessing. getting along and can share their happiness with family is seems like only a dream for me.
Raised as an only child and adopted from small family is making me never really experienced the family connection.
My parents have their own big family but they rarely seeing them. Only once a year and in daily basis they don't have many relatives, just a few neighbors and church friends.
I grew up being warned by my parents to be independent and stand on my own feet because nobody from their family will help me at the time I need. Because I am not really their 'blood' family.
As I grew up, I really never have sibling or cousins time when I can just playing with my same age fellow friend. Only few times that I can count. I don't really have good friends also, I am suck at socializing. So most of the time I spent my childhood alone with my parents are busy working.
As an adult I craved a family experience connection. Sometimes i'm very jealous seeing people can have family time when they just have their good times together. Kids playing around with their siblings and cousins. It's making me sad that I never have that moment to remember.
I constantly feeling lonely even until now. Knowing that I never have the support system like everybody has is making me sad.
So my friend, if you have family, cherished them. I wish I have family that can help me but I don't.
Raised as an only child and adopted from small family is making me never really experienced the family connection.
My parents have their own big family but they rarely seeing them. Only once a year and in daily basis they don't have many relatives, just a few neighbors and church friends.
I grew up being warned by my parents to be independent and stand on my own feet because nobody from their family will help me at the time I need. Because I am not really their 'blood' family.
As I grew up, I really never have sibling or cousins time when I can just playing with my same age fellow friend. Only few times that I can count. I don't really have good friends also, I am suck at socializing. So most of the time I spent my childhood alone with my parents are busy working.
As an adult I craved a family experience connection. Sometimes i'm very jealous seeing people can have family time when they just have their good times together. Kids playing around with their siblings and cousins. It's making me sad that I never have that moment to remember.
I constantly feeling lonely even until now. Knowing that I never have the support system like everybody has is making me sad.
So my friend, if you have family, cherished them. I wish I have family that can help me but I don't.
Contradictive mind
Surviving day to day is so painful to me, not knowing what will happen next is killing me. I don't know when I will be happy again, at least to feel alive. I feel dead inside.
Being isolated for months from any human being communication is sometimes so hard to deal with. I can't contact anybody, even my friends. I can't tell my situation right now or when I do, I just say I'm alright. The fact is, No. I'm not. And I can't share with you for some reason. I can't .
This time is so hard for me. Not only financially, but also physically and emotionally. It is so fucking hard. I deal with self blame, loneliness and isolation.
This my head always make contradictive conversations. I can't help it and my own mind drag me down into the spiral of self blaming and self pitiness. I just can't get out of this. I don't have anybody right now, just myself alone struggling with myself. I'm going insane. I just want to end this.
In case something happen to me, you will know what I'm going through right now and I can't share to anybody, just in here I can share everything without being judged.
I can't expecting someone to help because they are busy with their own life just like me busy with my own mind. So, I can't blame people.
I blame myself for being so stupidly naive to be dragged to this world I'm in. I'm tired. I just want to be free from my own self judgement and expectations. I want to leave everything. Wander around where I don't need to please other people for little something to eat.
I want to feel something. I want to be happy. Not to feel any pressure from everybody. I want to find my own purposes and goal again. And reason to staying alive.
Help me.
Being isolated for months from any human being communication is sometimes so hard to deal with. I can't contact anybody, even my friends. I can't tell my situation right now or when I do, I just say I'm alright. The fact is, No. I'm not. And I can't share with you for some reason. I can't .
This time is so hard for me. Not only financially, but also physically and emotionally. It is so fucking hard. I deal with self blame, loneliness and isolation.
This my head always make contradictive conversations. I can't help it and my own mind drag me down into the spiral of self blaming and self pitiness. I just can't get out of this. I don't have anybody right now, just myself alone struggling with myself. I'm going insane. I just want to end this.
In case something happen to me, you will know what I'm going through right now and I can't share to anybody, just in here I can share everything without being judged.
I can't expecting someone to help because they are busy with their own life just like me busy with my own mind. So, I can't blame people.
I blame myself for being so stupidly naive to be dragged to this world I'm in. I'm tired. I just want to be free from my own self judgement and expectations. I want to leave everything. Wander around where I don't need to please other people for little something to eat.
I want to feel something. I want to be happy. Not to feel any pressure from everybody. I want to find my own purposes and goal again. And reason to staying alive.
Help me.
Monday, 18 June 2018
Signs
To survive in this cold hearted world I live in now, it's hard to see people's real intention toward you. You feel crushed to know that there is always something behind people's action. Money mostly. People see you as a commodity or something they use for their own benefit.
Disappointment feeling of why people treat you not the way you wanted and find out their real intentions is overbearing me right now.
I'm talking about people whom I try to trust. Because I always try to trust people genuinely and naively. I'm the person who believe in people easily and always try to see goodness in people and sadly it is hard for me to do it again. I trust people less and less and questions everybody more everyday.
But I still believe people anyway. I'm a believer. I always convince myself that as long as my intention is good and not to harm people, God will lead me to a better place even though I will have bruises and scars all over.
Yes, sometimes I feel lonely and I have much times to contemplate who is the real people that unconditionally love me. I found none. Even my own people I called family.
God give me signs everywhere from the radio I played, the numbers I saw everywhere, That I'm not alone, even when I feel like I'm alone. The feeling of helplessness and hopelessness is creeping me out every single day. I feel worthless not knowing why I have to be born in this world in the first place. Why this life is not going like I dream of or I expected.
Expectations kill. Kill your soul. Most of the time our expectations will not match our reality. And that is okay. That is life. I still try to learn this every single day. I hope I will understand one day.
Signs from God even the littlest one is enough for me that I'm not alone and one thing, He always provides for me. Even when I can't eat and I don't have place to go, He always send somebody to help me. I am grateful for everything. He never let me walk alone or left me hungry. It is more than enough.
Disappointment feeling of why people treat you not the way you wanted and find out their real intentions is overbearing me right now.
I'm talking about people whom I try to trust. Because I always try to trust people genuinely and naively. I'm the person who believe in people easily and always try to see goodness in people and sadly it is hard for me to do it again. I trust people less and less and questions everybody more everyday.
But I still believe people anyway. I'm a believer. I always convince myself that as long as my intention is good and not to harm people, God will lead me to a better place even though I will have bruises and scars all over.
Yes, sometimes I feel lonely and I have much times to contemplate who is the real people that unconditionally love me. I found none. Even my own people I called family.
God give me signs everywhere from the radio I played, the numbers I saw everywhere, That I'm not alone, even when I feel like I'm alone. The feeling of helplessness and hopelessness is creeping me out every single day. I feel worthless not knowing why I have to be born in this world in the first place. Why this life is not going like I dream of or I expected.
Expectations kill. Kill your soul. Most of the time our expectations will not match our reality. And that is okay. That is life. I still try to learn this every single day. I hope I will understand one day.
Signs from God even the littlest one is enough for me that I'm not alone and one thing, He always provides for me. Even when I can't eat and I don't have place to go, He always send somebody to help me. I am grateful for everything. He never let me walk alone or left me hungry. It is more than enough.
Wednesday, 13 June 2018
Sadness
Here is what they don’t tell you about sadness.
It’s not something that we can choose not to feel. If I could make it go away, trust me I would. I never wanted this.
It’s a cycle. A never ending circle.
It goes away for a little while only to knock you out again.
One minute I’m doing fine. The next I’m not.
It’s losing all hope. It’s the feeling of helplessness. It’s not knowing how to get up. It’s wanting to do something yet not being able to. It’s closing your eyes and the moment you open them again the world is black and white. The world is dull. The world is going to end at one point or another. We will all die. And this is a senseless cycle.
I just want to feel okay.
I get jealous of the way that some people could easily say “I’m happy.” and it makes me wonder how many of them actually mean it.
It’s hard to say those words. Especially hard when you know they’re not true.
Sleep is an escape. I’m only alive when I’m asleep because that is the only time I feel at peace.
How ironic is it that the only time I feel alive is when my eyes are closed and I’m temporarily dead to the world. Sleeping makes me feel like a part of another universe. A different universe where anything is possible. A universe where I could actually feel something.
Sometimes it’s about wanting to die but most of the time it’s not. It’s wanting to fill the void. It’s wanting to see how this all makes sense. It’s looking for a reason. It’s searching for a drive. It’s just wanting for the sadness to go away.
It’s a weird sensation of just aimlessly breathing.
It makes you question things. It makes you question everything.
If you’re feeling this, hold on. Let’s see how our story goes. Let’s see whether it’s true what they say–that this is all going to be okay
Source : thought catalogue
Sunday, 3 June 2018
Everything will be okay
Everything will be okay maybe not now but eventually.
There will be a day I will pass this test. I been in this situation before and it ended at one time.
I might not know the future or where I will be. I might not know when I will be happy again, but I know it will happen.
I have to be strong. This sadness and dissapointment will go. Soon. I wish.
There will be a day I will pass this test. I been in this situation before and it ended at one time.
I might not know the future or where I will be. I might not know when I will be happy again, but I know it will happen.
I have to be strong. This sadness and dissapointment will go. Soon. I wish.
Saturday, 2 June 2018
Let's talk about life ; Nothingness.
Suwung. Nothingness in Javanese. It's a magical word that define the mystery of the creation of the world.
Javanese believe that God is Nothingness and Nothingness create the world. A mysterious substance make this world, in quatum theory, they call it God substance.
God is a loving energy free from any attachments. God is love. God is everywhere, because everything in this world made from God.
You can't see God because God only can be reach spiritually. For the realist, God never exist because God don't have any form. God only can be feel and believed.
The theory of God is very interesting to me. For someone who physically and spiritually seeking of what the meaning of life, the one suit me most is God come from Nothingness. You can't describe God but God do exist. Even physics can't find any explanation of God. That's why I try to look from spiritual eyes.
I believe God exist, God is universe, God is present everywhere. You might can't see God, but I believe once you understand the secret of life, you will see God and feel his loving energy.
I was a very 'logic' person but when I experience something that I can't explain, I believe now. Little by little I learn that something you can't see with naked eyes are equally exist with something that phisycally seen.
You can access God when you left everything behind and be greatful of what God already give you, thank you for everything you have today. Life.
Once you are in a state where you don't feel anything, no emotions attached, just deep warm love of happiness then you try to let go all your fears and give all of your life in the hand of God. Let everything flow as God had planned for you. Let God guide you and show you the way. There is always answer for your questions somewhere.
Whenever I have problem, I always have suicidal thought before. I was not afraid to die, because i thought I'm not worthy to live in this world. But now I am not afraid to live. Live is more challenging and I believe God have something to do for me. I born in this world for a purpose, something that I still looking until now. Everybody has purpose in this life, to make a better world however the way.
So, pure happiness is only come from God, not from this material world. Not from your money, not from your property and not from anyone. Don't ever put your happiness on something that never last. Believe me, you will dissapointed. Put your happiness on God alone and believe everything happen for a reason and for your own good.
I've been dissapointed many times before and nothing can make me happy, even when I already have everything that I want. I still feel empty.
Now I never push anything or obsessed to have anything, let everything flow and come to me. Whatever meant to be and meant for me will find a way. Be brave enough to say thank you God for what you have today. Because happiness comes from Nothingness.
To be continued..
Javanese believe that God is Nothingness and Nothingness create the world. A mysterious substance make this world, in quatum theory, they call it God substance.
God is a loving energy free from any attachments. God is love. God is everywhere, because everything in this world made from God.
You can't see God because God only can be reach spiritually. For the realist, God never exist because God don't have any form. God only can be feel and believed.
The theory of God is very interesting to me. For someone who physically and spiritually seeking of what the meaning of life, the one suit me most is God come from Nothingness. You can't describe God but God do exist. Even physics can't find any explanation of God. That's why I try to look from spiritual eyes.
I believe God exist, God is universe, God is present everywhere. You might can't see God, but I believe once you understand the secret of life, you will see God and feel his loving energy.
I was a very 'logic' person but when I experience something that I can't explain, I believe now. Little by little I learn that something you can't see with naked eyes are equally exist with something that phisycally seen.
You can access God when you left everything behind and be greatful of what God already give you, thank you for everything you have today. Life.
Once you are in a state where you don't feel anything, no emotions attached, just deep warm love of happiness then you try to let go all your fears and give all of your life in the hand of God. Let everything flow as God had planned for you. Let God guide you and show you the way. There is always answer for your questions somewhere.
Whenever I have problem, I always have suicidal thought before. I was not afraid to die, because i thought I'm not worthy to live in this world. But now I am not afraid to live. Live is more challenging and I believe God have something to do for me. I born in this world for a purpose, something that I still looking until now. Everybody has purpose in this life, to make a better world however the way.
So, pure happiness is only come from God, not from this material world. Not from your money, not from your property and not from anyone. Don't ever put your happiness on something that never last. Believe me, you will dissapointed. Put your happiness on God alone and believe everything happen for a reason and for your own good.
I've been dissapointed many times before and nothing can make me happy, even when I already have everything that I want. I still feel empty.
Now I never push anything or obsessed to have anything, let everything flow and come to me. Whatever meant to be and meant for me will find a way. Be brave enough to say thank you God for what you have today. Because happiness comes from Nothingness.
To be continued..
The Great Pretender
Good at pretending is one of the skill that you need to have to survive life at least that what I think. Sadly I'm not good at it.
I can't pretend to be someone I'm not. All of my action based on what I feel inside, I'm a bad pretender.
What I say is what I mean. If I say something like I don't want something or I love something, I do mean it. I never change my mind about something.
In this world full of pretenders, sometimes people understand me oppositely and think I'm pretending. Like other people. Well nope.
This sick society often think you have to pretend to do something to get what you want. It is manipulative and for me it is not acceptable.
Well, that's not for me and I never tolerate that. I can't tell something that is wrong or not right in my opinion.
There is also saying : woman always say something opposite. Nope nope. Maybe I'm not 100 percent woman or at least as a woman I always say something I want or I don't want and it has litteral meaning.
Well, until now people still misunderstand me and I still misunderstand people. Sometimes I can't differentiate which people only manipulate or have genuine intention to me. As long as I have good intention, I never afraid. I will still saying what I want and I always mean it and I believe people will also do that to me.
It's one of my life lesson that I need to understand. People who have same intention with me will stick to me till the end.
I can't pretend to be someone I'm not. All of my action based on what I feel inside, I'm a bad pretender.
What I say is what I mean. If I say something like I don't want something or I love something, I do mean it. I never change my mind about something.
In this world full of pretenders, sometimes people understand me oppositely and think I'm pretending. Like other people. Well nope.
This sick society often think you have to pretend to do something to get what you want. It is manipulative and for me it is not acceptable.
Well, that's not for me and I never tolerate that. I can't tell something that is wrong or not right in my opinion.
There is also saying : woman always say something opposite. Nope nope. Maybe I'm not 100 percent woman or at least as a woman I always say something I want or I don't want and it has litteral meaning.
Well, until now people still misunderstand me and I still misunderstand people. Sometimes I can't differentiate which people only manipulate or have genuine intention to me. As long as I have good intention, I never afraid. I will still saying what I want and I always mean it and I believe people will also do that to me.
It's one of my life lesson that I need to understand. People who have same intention with me will stick to me till the end.
Wednesday, 30 May 2018
The quietest person has the loudest mind
Don't mistake my quiet for something empty inside. Have you ever wonder what is inside my mind? Heaps! You have no idea.
I might not talk too much or socialize but believe it or not, I find my own company is the best company.
People who tend to be a loner is satisfied with whatever they have in theirself.
I contemplate every single thing in my head, I make conversations like I have many voices in my head.
I don't need people validation or people giving me any attention. I am whole within me.
Sometimes I do miss others company, just to change mind or thoughts and have little real conversation, but I can't do it too much like normal people. I feel like somehow people can invade my sanctuary when they get too close.
But as a social animal, we human need others company to help us to survive in this cruel cruel world and our purpose in this world is to help each other with our unique ability.
So,for the sake of looking like normal human, I have to do small talk to strangers which I never put my full attention to. Well, that is my mistake, I might look like arrogant or apathetic. Maybe it's true.
Once I impressed on how certain people treat me, like friends who have similar thoughts and believe, I can really open to them like nothing between us. Oh, I expect the same also. Openness is important to me. When I open myself to certain people, I expect nothing less.
He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. -lao tzu
I might not talk too much or socialize but believe it or not, I find my own company is the best company.
People who tend to be a loner is satisfied with whatever they have in theirself.
I contemplate every single thing in my head, I make conversations like I have many voices in my head.
I don't need people validation or people giving me any attention. I am whole within me.
Sometimes I do miss others company, just to change mind or thoughts and have little real conversation, but I can't do it too much like normal people. I feel like somehow people can invade my sanctuary when they get too close.
But as a social animal, we human need others company to help us to survive in this cruel cruel world and our purpose in this world is to help each other with our unique ability.
So,for the sake of looking like normal human, I have to do small talk to strangers which I never put my full attention to. Well, that is my mistake, I might look like arrogant or apathetic. Maybe it's true.
Once I impressed on how certain people treat me, like friends who have similar thoughts and believe, I can really open to them like nothing between us. Oh, I expect the same also. Openness is important to me. When I open myself to certain people, I expect nothing less.
He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. -lao tzu
Let's talk about life
Life yes life. We actually live in it, we live inside our mortal organic bodily shell and we can die, our body can shut off whenever it need to shut off. Why I said need? Because all of us have our time in this world and we can't live forever. For this few months I watch this very interesting YouTube channel called ask a mortician who talk about death. Literally. There are also lots of history of how human cope with the dead. Interesting. I always scared of the death because the idea of gone and can't be seen wherever in this world is horrifying to me. I just disapear and decay. It is scary because our society see death as something horror, mysterious and gross.Yes it might be true because we live in society that see death is not friendly, we never get in touch with the death ourself and leave it to mortician. So, this channel give me new perspective of death that we must die and we will die. it is natural and death is not the end. Death is only a gateway for us to a totally new life and we should embrace it not to be feared.
Refer to hans Wilhelm ; a childbook author who is very fascinated of how our life works, our life in this world is just a school for our soul. So in this short earth time, our soul will learn about mistakes we did in our pastlive to be improved so our soul can graduate and evolve to a higher level of soul. The higher level the soul is, the closer the soul can back in to God's love.
You can call it reincarnation. Our soul will reincarnate when we die. The time when we will reincarnate is depend on how we live in this world. If we still have unfinished business in this world like guilty feelings toward another person, have secret from someone, not forgiving etc. Our soul can still linger in this world and live as bound spirit (you can call it ghost) that still attached to the place where they lived before.
Soul as we have inside our body is an infinite matter that will never die. Our body can die but not our soul. Our soul indeed already going through many lives before but never aware of whatever happen before because everytime we born in this earth, our soul will start a new journey, it's like a riddle game that you should play but without any manual instruction. Some of them have hint and still remember what happen in their past lives but mostly no. So why are we not permitted to know about our past live? Because if we know it will be cheat codes of life. We know what our soul need to complete it's test and we never learn our lesson.
In the school of life you will meet other souls or some kind like a group of souls that will live with us in the same time of our life. They can be family, friends, lover or even enemy from your past live and will meet you again as coincidence in your life (I already talk about coincidence before). Coincidence is actually not coincidence because everything already planned long before by our souls come in to the world through a life agreement.
Life agreement or path of life was made by our souls with the guidance of the angels. Usually angels give us choices of life path, what kind of family we want to live with, how difficult will your life be, the harder the life the better your life can be evolve of course if you pass the life test and not repeating the same mistake before or you just quit life and suicide.
God also give us freewill for whatever we want to do in our life so we actually can make decision in our life. that decision will determine whether we pass the test or not.
There is also bad spirits or we call it devil that can tempt us to not fulfill our purpose in our life, that can slow the process of learning our lesson in this life. So, the life test is not easy.
But what is test without preparation. Apparently God gave us tools to conquer this big ol school life. We call it intelligence or brain to solve the riddle in life. We can think and make something to make our life easier. But by the nature of human, sometimes they too much using their intelligent and forget where they are coming from. God.
Not only that, God give us guardian angel to look after us and we can access them by meditating. We can ask them for guidance and they will show us hint from our surroundings. Like coincidences! How many times you want the answer of something and voila, it is right there. Angels give us sign that come in every way possible. Just like the glitch in your watch or phone showing 1111 or random numbers look like very 'catchy' to us. That is the sign that the universe give you sign or maybe some sort of comforter that you are right in your path.
To be continued
Refer to hans Wilhelm ; a childbook author who is very fascinated of how our life works, our life in this world is just a school for our soul. So in this short earth time, our soul will learn about mistakes we did in our pastlive to be improved so our soul can graduate and evolve to a higher level of soul. The higher level the soul is, the closer the soul can back in to God's love.
You can call it reincarnation. Our soul will reincarnate when we die. The time when we will reincarnate is depend on how we live in this world. If we still have unfinished business in this world like guilty feelings toward another person, have secret from someone, not forgiving etc. Our soul can still linger in this world and live as bound spirit (you can call it ghost) that still attached to the place where they lived before.
Soul as we have inside our body is an infinite matter that will never die. Our body can die but not our soul. Our soul indeed already going through many lives before but never aware of whatever happen before because everytime we born in this earth, our soul will start a new journey, it's like a riddle game that you should play but without any manual instruction. Some of them have hint and still remember what happen in their past lives but mostly no. So why are we not permitted to know about our past live? Because if we know it will be cheat codes of life. We know what our soul need to complete it's test and we never learn our lesson.
In the school of life you will meet other souls or some kind like a group of souls that will live with us in the same time of our life. They can be family, friends, lover or even enemy from your past live and will meet you again as coincidence in your life (I already talk about coincidence before). Coincidence is actually not coincidence because everything already planned long before by our souls come in to the world through a life agreement.
Life agreement or path of life was made by our souls with the guidance of the angels. Usually angels give us choices of life path, what kind of family we want to live with, how difficult will your life be, the harder the life the better your life can be evolve of course if you pass the life test and not repeating the same mistake before or you just quit life and suicide.
God also give us freewill for whatever we want to do in our life so we actually can make decision in our life. that decision will determine whether we pass the test or not.
There is also bad spirits or we call it devil that can tempt us to not fulfill our purpose in our life, that can slow the process of learning our lesson in this life. So, the life test is not easy.
But what is test without preparation. Apparently God gave us tools to conquer this big ol school life. We call it intelligence or brain to solve the riddle in life. We can think and make something to make our life easier. But by the nature of human, sometimes they too much using their intelligent and forget where they are coming from. God.
Not only that, God give us guardian angel to look after us and we can access them by meditating. We can ask them for guidance and they will show us hint from our surroundings. Like coincidences! How many times you want the answer of something and voila, it is right there. Angels give us sign that come in every way possible. Just like the glitch in your watch or phone showing 1111 or random numbers look like very 'catchy' to us. That is the sign that the universe give you sign or maybe some sort of comforter that you are right in your path.
To be continued
What I miss from you
I miss your smile, I miss how you roll your eyes when you talk about something you like. I miss your thick dark curly hair that you always put baby oil on. I miss your off key deep voice when you sing Westlife song, oh did you remember the first song you want me to listen from your phone with your big blue headphone? It's man in the mirror by Michael Jackson and when I talk to you louder you were like shhhh, don't talk to loud. I miss how you put your gray pants and asking me was it good on you and how you want to go to mall like before going to church just to replace that one because too big on you.
I miss how you look at me at the church and how you awkwardly clapping your hand while people dancing frantically. I miss how we look at each other when someone acting weirdly or sleeping at the church, oh did you remember that guy who always fall asleep wherever he is? He can even sleep in the lift and people have to take him go to his room? We laugh secretly when a man dance Soo happy and weird but later on he died the next week?
I miss how you cook that egg and plaintain I was just looking at you slicing that plaintain. I miss how you love that bread with beef floss and ask me what is it? I really wish I can buy that bread for you again.
I miss how you talk about Obama and his speech about nasi goreng and when you found out he lived in Indonesia before. I miss how you love watching movie and download it to your laptop.
I miss how we have long conversation till morning and I remember that story you have crush to a girl and sent her a love letter secretly. How cute and I wish you do the same for me.
I miss the first time we met at the church, you look like someone creepy staring at me from your seat and later follow me to buy cigarette down at the foodhall. I even still remember how you sit when you told me I'm beautiful. That time I wanted to say thank you but I can't because doh.. why the hell I reply that kind of catcall. But I think I smile anyway.
Oh I remember you let me wear your shirt and boxer and you iron my pink shirt also in the morning! You said I do it for my baby. That is the sweetest thing someone do to me.
Well, I might not know you much but for several months you make my life happier and believe I can love again. Thank you my nwoke oma for give me the best memories in my darkest days. Everything will be alright and we will meet again very soon.
I miss how you look at me at the church and how you awkwardly clapping your hand while people dancing frantically. I miss how we look at each other when someone acting weirdly or sleeping at the church, oh did you remember that guy who always fall asleep wherever he is? He can even sleep in the lift and people have to take him go to his room? We laugh secretly when a man dance Soo happy and weird but later on he died the next week?
I miss how you cook that egg and plaintain I was just looking at you slicing that plaintain. I miss how you love that bread with beef floss and ask me what is it? I really wish I can buy that bread for you again.
I miss how you talk about Obama and his speech about nasi goreng and when you found out he lived in Indonesia before. I miss how you love watching movie and download it to your laptop.
I miss how we have long conversation till morning and I remember that story you have crush to a girl and sent her a love letter secretly. How cute and I wish you do the same for me.
I miss the first time we met at the church, you look like someone creepy staring at me from your seat and later follow me to buy cigarette down at the foodhall. I even still remember how you sit when you told me I'm beautiful. That time I wanted to say thank you but I can't because doh.. why the hell I reply that kind of catcall. But I think I smile anyway.
Oh I remember you let me wear your shirt and boxer and you iron my pink shirt also in the morning! You said I do it for my baby. That is the sweetest thing someone do to me.
Well, I might not know you much but for several months you make my life happier and believe I can love again. Thank you my nwoke oma for give me the best memories in my darkest days. Everything will be alright and we will meet again very soon.
I want to be your happy ending. A year later.
I still want. I still want to be your happy ending. You are the only person I want till the end of time but time is not on our side well at least my side.
I miss you. Every single damn day. I see your picture everyday and it is sad that I can't contact you. I really want to see you, even just in my dream.
For everyone who wants to know what is like to miss a person so much. The feeling is like something is taken from you. You feel incomplete, you find reminiscing time you spent with him before is your favourite time but always end with messy tears of sadness after.
I'm here wondering if he can feel whatever I feel this excruciating pain of missing him, or if he miss me as much as I do.
I hope we can see each other soon and time will be on our side this time. But if this not the right time let my soul wait for you for the right time.
I miss you. Every single damn day. I see your picture everyday and it is sad that I can't contact you. I really want to see you, even just in my dream.
For everyone who wants to know what is like to miss a person so much. The feeling is like something is taken from you. You feel incomplete, you find reminiscing time you spent with him before is your favourite time but always end with messy tears of sadness after.
I'm here wondering if he can feel whatever I feel this excruciating pain of missing him, or if he miss me as much as I do.
I hope we can see each other soon and time will be on our side this time. But if this not the right time let my soul wait for you for the right time.
Wednesday, 11 April 2018
When a year can teach you lots of things
December 2016, I spent my new year's eve in Bali. Travelled alone with intention to find myself again, to be alone and renew myself. I even meditate and swimming in the sea to purify myself and pray to God please give me new life lesson and I'm open with anything that will happen to me in the future. I want to be better person and let You guide me as I surrender to You.
It is happened. In the month of February I met someone that really change me. Introduce me to things that I never imagined, spiritually and all aspects of my life. I did learned. A lot. Everything in my life will change completely in a matter of months.
I felt like this is the answer of my prayer but why it come in a very harsh way. I learned like a plane hit me in the face. I know many things all at once and the most important thing, I learn about life. In one year, 2017.
The year I decided to go from comfort zone and go from my parents house, to face things that I thought I would never think before. I choose to face real life out there. There was a doubt but a fire in my heart was bigger than my fear.
I found that life is not black and white. Life is about seeing things from different angle. Life is about compromising things that you can't change. Embrace and accept life just the way it is. I learned that life is not what's in my head. Life is very complicated yet very simple at the same time.
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