The Past

Have you narrate your own life journey over and over again before you sleep? If you do, I'm doing it also. I can't help to tell myself story of the past as a lullaby.

I ask myself everyday before I sleep how can I get where I am now and i rewind every moment I went through every single night. Weird huh? I really don't know if any of you do the same, but please let me know if you do.

Sometimes I ask myself if I'm obsessed of my past or I just can't let go of whatever happened to me. I bring back memories that recorded to my brain excessively and vividly. I even can smell and remember every little detail of certain memory that came to me and always give me teary eyes. More like watching a movie with you being the actor. Ican call back a sad memory or a happy one, depend on my mood that day.

My happiest moment mostly with my family or time I traveled back in the day. I do lots of travel with my friends and collect happiest times of my life.

My sad moments came up when I feel like I want to pity myself, I don't know why but sometimes I do feel comfortable when I feel sad. I know it's not healthy but I just can't help it.

My sad moments are my failed relationship, betrayal, abandonment, and whatever I think I made wrong decisions of my life.

I know everything must have a reason, even failures. Sometimes not having what you want is a stroke of luck even when you can't see it now but you will see one day why it doesn't worked out that way just like when I see my past from present moment like what I do now.

Must be a reason why I feltq broken hearted many times because all of them are not even close to my standard, I just desperately wanted to be loved. The lesson learned, I have to love myself first before I let other people to love me. I can't pour from an empty cup.

Many lessons that I learned until today and I keep learning every day. How to let go things that not deserved me anymore. Let go of expectations on how people should treat me, because clearly I can't rely on what people do toward me, they can't do whatever I expect them to do.

All I need is time to let go, to understand that people are different from me, and I can't wait on them to full fill my wants.