In this past few months I isolate myself from outer world. My only window of the world is social media and YouTube. I even deactivate my Instagram and Facebook because everytime I open social media, I become more lonely because I can only see my 'friends' look like having fun on their own. So social media is not for me now.
I cut every contact from everybody that I know. I run away from the world for a reason that I never sure what for. I don't know how this thing will end. I'm waiting for something that uncertain. Nobody know about what I've been doing. I just want to run away from everything and this make me insane from day to day. I've been hiding myself from things I don't know.
I am at the wrong place, wrong time. Everything are just wrong. All of my needs are fulfilled but not happiness. Even I want to run away from my own escape plan.
I'm on my own and nobody can help me now, I have nobody by myside. They're busy on their own and People around me just want to control me for whatever they think good for me. I trapped.
What kind of life test is this God? What karma should I pay for this? God help me. Set me free from any bad things that want to drag me down.
Tuesday, 26 June 2018
Friday, 22 June 2018
Pelakor?
I'm making this blog refer to the term of 'pelakor' which is very popular right now. What is pelakor? Pelakor is simply mistresses. Woman who date a married man.
Dating a married man? What can be wrong?
Everything!
This is for you who caught in the middle of the 'situation'.
So let me give you pro's and con's from pelakor point of view.
Pro's :
1. You don't have to deal with his dirty laundry. It seems easy to have relationship with them because you never know what kind of guy he is when you live together. You don't need to cook or take care of him when he's sick.
2. Easy money. Yes, you can get money without thinking his financial situation. If he's broke, who cares? You just find another one, because you know you're not attached to him.
3. No attachment (unless you have child together but even you have child, you are not the legitimate wife so you considered not attached to him) when you are not attached to him, you can do everything you want. You don't have to worry about boundaries from him. If he's jealous seeing you with another man, he can't be mad.
Cons :
1. He will never choose you. Be realistic. He will come back to his wife and children because he married the wife legitimately in front of everybody. He will never choose you.
2. The money might not be all yours. After all he still have mouths to feed right? So don't expect he will give you all. You are only his 'escape'
3. Even when you love each other, he simply can't leave his wife because of the pressure from society. It is a very big risk to choose you. Even when he choose you, you will be mocked from everybody for the rest of your life.
From all pros cons, it is very clear that if you are a woman, you don't want to be pelakor but it is depend on the intention. If you expect stability and love, don't go for married man. If you only just want money , go for it.
So now, let's see from the wife point of view.
1. You can't blame your husband fully. Maybe it's you who not appreciate your man well. Men is a very simple and short fused creature. When they don't get what he wants, he will looking for another 'choices available' even when he said he loves you. It doesn't matter to him. Man really need to have that sense of control, so when he think he can't control his marriage, he will find another subject to be controlled for. For this situation, that pelakor. He feel that the pelakor depend on him more (which is not true) . So don't take it too personal.
2. There will be time when you think, how come he can do that to you? Men are not emotional like woman and they sometimes not feel guilty of what he done, so they look for sex mostly and their ultimate reason will be : you are my wife how i can't leave you. You will be number one. Which is true, if he choose that woman, he will be doomed.
3. You actually have the power here. You can sue him in the court and take his money for child support for the rest of his life. Leave him or forgive him. If you leave him, don't be afraid to start new life. If you forgive, remember : man will never have remorse. He will do that again. Only a few that have remorse, mostly because he knows he don't have anything anymore and he depend on you on everything.
So if you are the husband here this is the point you need to remember :
1. Appreciate your wife, she choose you in the beginning and said yes to all your flaws. If she know this thing would happen, she will never marry you in the first place. Remember, you made decisions in front of everyone. Don't ruin your credibility for another woman.
2. That woman you have affair with is not stupid. She probably know all the worst possibility that will happen but maybe she need you just for 'money issue' if she said she love you, it might be true but she know already that this affair can't last forever and she might have another plan.
3. In the name of sex, just don't ruin your own life! Many will get hurt. Your wife, your children and all of your family. Be a responsible man! Be consistent!
4. Nobody's perfect. You can't have the most perfect woman. That woman have sides that she never show you, you don't know if you stay with her, if it will work out or not. Once again, you never be with her 24/7. She is not look as perfect as you see. You might end up regret what you did.
I'm not trying to judge here, everybody have their own decisions. At the end of the day, the consequences are on your own. Make sure you make right choices for your own. It's not complicated as you think. Go for who you love. Forgive if you really forgive, and leave if you can't take it anymore. You know what's best for you.
Dating a married man? What can be wrong?
Everything!
This is for you who caught in the middle of the 'situation'.
So let me give you pro's and con's from pelakor point of view.
Pro's :
1. You don't have to deal with his dirty laundry. It seems easy to have relationship with them because you never know what kind of guy he is when you live together. You don't need to cook or take care of him when he's sick.
2. Easy money. Yes, you can get money without thinking his financial situation. If he's broke, who cares? You just find another one, because you know you're not attached to him.
3. No attachment (unless you have child together but even you have child, you are not the legitimate wife so you considered not attached to him) when you are not attached to him, you can do everything you want. You don't have to worry about boundaries from him. If he's jealous seeing you with another man, he can't be mad.
Cons :
1. He will never choose you. Be realistic. He will come back to his wife and children because he married the wife legitimately in front of everybody. He will never choose you.
2. The money might not be all yours. After all he still have mouths to feed right? So don't expect he will give you all. You are only his 'escape'
3. Even when you love each other, he simply can't leave his wife because of the pressure from society. It is a very big risk to choose you. Even when he choose you, you will be mocked from everybody for the rest of your life.
From all pros cons, it is very clear that if you are a woman, you don't want to be pelakor but it is depend on the intention. If you expect stability and love, don't go for married man. If you only just want money , go for it.
So now, let's see from the wife point of view.
1. You can't blame your husband fully. Maybe it's you who not appreciate your man well. Men is a very simple and short fused creature. When they don't get what he wants, he will looking for another 'choices available' even when he said he loves you. It doesn't matter to him. Man really need to have that sense of control, so when he think he can't control his marriage, he will find another subject to be controlled for. For this situation, that pelakor. He feel that the pelakor depend on him more (which is not true) . So don't take it too personal.
2. There will be time when you think, how come he can do that to you? Men are not emotional like woman and they sometimes not feel guilty of what he done, so they look for sex mostly and their ultimate reason will be : you are my wife how i can't leave you. You will be number one. Which is true, if he choose that woman, he will be doomed.
3. You actually have the power here. You can sue him in the court and take his money for child support for the rest of his life. Leave him or forgive him. If you leave him, don't be afraid to start new life. If you forgive, remember : man will never have remorse. He will do that again. Only a few that have remorse, mostly because he knows he don't have anything anymore and he depend on you on everything.
So if you are the husband here this is the point you need to remember :
1. Appreciate your wife, she choose you in the beginning and said yes to all your flaws. If she know this thing would happen, she will never marry you in the first place. Remember, you made decisions in front of everyone. Don't ruin your credibility for another woman.
2. That woman you have affair with is not stupid. She probably know all the worst possibility that will happen but maybe she need you just for 'money issue' if she said she love you, it might be true but she know already that this affair can't last forever and she might have another plan.
3. In the name of sex, just don't ruin your own life! Many will get hurt. Your wife, your children and all of your family. Be a responsible man! Be consistent!
4. Nobody's perfect. You can't have the most perfect woman. That woman have sides that she never show you, you don't know if you stay with her, if it will work out or not. Once again, you never be with her 24/7. She is not look as perfect as you see. You might end up regret what you did.
I'm not trying to judge here, everybody have their own decisions. At the end of the day, the consequences are on your own. Make sure you make right choices for your own. It's not complicated as you think. Go for who you love. Forgive if you really forgive, and leave if you can't take it anymore. You know what's best for you.
Tuesday, 19 June 2018
Family
Having a big family is a blessing. getting along and can share their happiness with family is seems like only a dream for me.
Raised as an only child and adopted from small family is making me never really experienced the family connection.
My parents have their own big family but they rarely seeing them. Only once a year and in daily basis they don't have many relatives, just a few neighbors and church friends.
I grew up being warned by my parents to be independent and stand on my own feet because nobody from their family will help me at the time I need. Because I am not really their 'blood' family.
As I grew up, I really never have sibling or cousins time when I can just playing with my same age fellow friend. Only few times that I can count. I don't really have good friends also, I am suck at socializing. So most of the time I spent my childhood alone with my parents are busy working.
As an adult I craved a family experience connection. Sometimes i'm very jealous seeing people can have family time when they just have their good times together. Kids playing around with their siblings and cousins. It's making me sad that I never have that moment to remember.
I constantly feeling lonely even until now. Knowing that I never have the support system like everybody has is making me sad.
So my friend, if you have family, cherished them. I wish I have family that can help me but I don't.
Raised as an only child and adopted from small family is making me never really experienced the family connection.
My parents have their own big family but they rarely seeing them. Only once a year and in daily basis they don't have many relatives, just a few neighbors and church friends.
I grew up being warned by my parents to be independent and stand on my own feet because nobody from their family will help me at the time I need. Because I am not really their 'blood' family.
As I grew up, I really never have sibling or cousins time when I can just playing with my same age fellow friend. Only few times that I can count. I don't really have good friends also, I am suck at socializing. So most of the time I spent my childhood alone with my parents are busy working.
As an adult I craved a family experience connection. Sometimes i'm very jealous seeing people can have family time when they just have their good times together. Kids playing around with their siblings and cousins. It's making me sad that I never have that moment to remember.
I constantly feeling lonely even until now. Knowing that I never have the support system like everybody has is making me sad.
So my friend, if you have family, cherished them. I wish I have family that can help me but I don't.
Contradictive mind
Surviving day to day is so painful to me, not knowing what will happen next is killing me. I don't know when I will be happy again, at least to feel alive. I feel dead inside.
Being isolated for months from any human being communication is sometimes so hard to deal with. I can't contact anybody, even my friends. I can't tell my situation right now or when I do, I just say I'm alright. The fact is, No. I'm not. And I can't share with you for some reason. I can't .
This time is so hard for me. Not only financially, but also physically and emotionally. It is so fucking hard. I deal with self blame, loneliness and isolation.
This my head always make contradictive conversations. I can't help it and my own mind drag me down into the spiral of self blaming and self pitiness. I just can't get out of this. I don't have anybody right now, just myself alone struggling with myself. I'm going insane. I just want to end this.
In case something happen to me, you will know what I'm going through right now and I can't share to anybody, just in here I can share everything without being judged.
I can't expecting someone to help because they are busy with their own life just like me busy with my own mind. So, I can't blame people.
I blame myself for being so stupidly naive to be dragged to this world I'm in. I'm tired. I just want to be free from my own self judgement and expectations. I want to leave everything. Wander around where I don't need to please other people for little something to eat.
I want to feel something. I want to be happy. Not to feel any pressure from everybody. I want to find my own purposes and goal again. And reason to staying alive.
Help me.
Being isolated for months from any human being communication is sometimes so hard to deal with. I can't contact anybody, even my friends. I can't tell my situation right now or when I do, I just say I'm alright. The fact is, No. I'm not. And I can't share with you for some reason. I can't .
This time is so hard for me. Not only financially, but also physically and emotionally. It is so fucking hard. I deal with self blame, loneliness and isolation.
This my head always make contradictive conversations. I can't help it and my own mind drag me down into the spiral of self blaming and self pitiness. I just can't get out of this. I don't have anybody right now, just myself alone struggling with myself. I'm going insane. I just want to end this.
In case something happen to me, you will know what I'm going through right now and I can't share to anybody, just in here I can share everything without being judged.
I can't expecting someone to help because they are busy with their own life just like me busy with my own mind. So, I can't blame people.
I blame myself for being so stupidly naive to be dragged to this world I'm in. I'm tired. I just want to be free from my own self judgement and expectations. I want to leave everything. Wander around where I don't need to please other people for little something to eat.
I want to feel something. I want to be happy. Not to feel any pressure from everybody. I want to find my own purposes and goal again. And reason to staying alive.
Help me.
Monday, 18 June 2018
Signs
To survive in this cold hearted world I live in now, it's hard to see people's real intention toward you. You feel crushed to know that there is always something behind people's action. Money mostly. People see you as a commodity or something they use for their own benefit.
Disappointment feeling of why people treat you not the way you wanted and find out their real intentions is overbearing me right now.
I'm talking about people whom I try to trust. Because I always try to trust people genuinely and naively. I'm the person who believe in people easily and always try to see goodness in people and sadly it is hard for me to do it again. I trust people less and less and questions everybody more everyday.
But I still believe people anyway. I'm a believer. I always convince myself that as long as my intention is good and not to harm people, God will lead me to a better place even though I will have bruises and scars all over.
Yes, sometimes I feel lonely and I have much times to contemplate who is the real people that unconditionally love me. I found none. Even my own people I called family.
God give me signs everywhere from the radio I played, the numbers I saw everywhere, That I'm not alone, even when I feel like I'm alone. The feeling of helplessness and hopelessness is creeping me out every single day. I feel worthless not knowing why I have to be born in this world in the first place. Why this life is not going like I dream of or I expected.
Expectations kill. Kill your soul. Most of the time our expectations will not match our reality. And that is okay. That is life. I still try to learn this every single day. I hope I will understand one day.
Signs from God even the littlest one is enough for me that I'm not alone and one thing, He always provides for me. Even when I can't eat and I don't have place to go, He always send somebody to help me. I am grateful for everything. He never let me walk alone or left me hungry. It is more than enough.
Disappointment feeling of why people treat you not the way you wanted and find out their real intentions is overbearing me right now.
I'm talking about people whom I try to trust. Because I always try to trust people genuinely and naively. I'm the person who believe in people easily and always try to see goodness in people and sadly it is hard for me to do it again. I trust people less and less and questions everybody more everyday.
But I still believe people anyway. I'm a believer. I always convince myself that as long as my intention is good and not to harm people, God will lead me to a better place even though I will have bruises and scars all over.
Yes, sometimes I feel lonely and I have much times to contemplate who is the real people that unconditionally love me. I found none. Even my own people I called family.
God give me signs everywhere from the radio I played, the numbers I saw everywhere, That I'm not alone, even when I feel like I'm alone. The feeling of helplessness and hopelessness is creeping me out every single day. I feel worthless not knowing why I have to be born in this world in the first place. Why this life is not going like I dream of or I expected.
Expectations kill. Kill your soul. Most of the time our expectations will not match our reality. And that is okay. That is life. I still try to learn this every single day. I hope I will understand one day.
Signs from God even the littlest one is enough for me that I'm not alone and one thing, He always provides for me. Even when I can't eat and I don't have place to go, He always send somebody to help me. I am grateful for everything. He never let me walk alone or left me hungry. It is more than enough.
Wednesday, 13 June 2018
Sadness
Here is what they don’t tell you about sadness.
It’s not something that we can choose not to feel. If I could make it go away, trust me I would. I never wanted this.
It’s a cycle. A never ending circle.
It goes away for a little while only to knock you out again.
One minute I’m doing fine. The next I’m not.
It’s losing all hope. It’s the feeling of helplessness. It’s not knowing how to get up. It’s wanting to do something yet not being able to. It’s closing your eyes and the moment you open them again the world is black and white. The world is dull. The world is going to end at one point or another. We will all die. And this is a senseless cycle.
I just want to feel okay.
I get jealous of the way that some people could easily say “I’m happy.” and it makes me wonder how many of them actually mean it.
It’s hard to say those words. Especially hard when you know they’re not true.
Sleep is an escape. I’m only alive when I’m asleep because that is the only time I feel at peace.
How ironic is it that the only time I feel alive is when my eyes are closed and I’m temporarily dead to the world. Sleeping makes me feel like a part of another universe. A different universe where anything is possible. A universe where I could actually feel something.
Sometimes it’s about wanting to die but most of the time it’s not. It’s wanting to fill the void. It’s wanting to see how this all makes sense. It’s looking for a reason. It’s searching for a drive. It’s just wanting for the sadness to go away.
It’s a weird sensation of just aimlessly breathing.
It makes you question things. It makes you question everything.
If you’re feeling this, hold on. Let’s see how our story goes. Let’s see whether it’s true what they say–that this is all going to be okay
Source : thought catalogue
Sunday, 3 June 2018
Everything will be okay
Everything will be okay maybe not now but eventually.
There will be a day I will pass this test. I been in this situation before and it ended at one time.
I might not know the future or where I will be. I might not know when I will be happy again, but I know it will happen.
I have to be strong. This sadness and dissapointment will go. Soon. I wish.
There will be a day I will pass this test. I been in this situation before and it ended at one time.
I might not know the future or where I will be. I might not know when I will be happy again, but I know it will happen.
I have to be strong. This sadness and dissapointment will go. Soon. I wish.
Saturday, 2 June 2018
Let's talk about life ; Nothingness.
Suwung. Nothingness in Javanese. It's a magical word that define the mystery of the creation of the world.
Javanese believe that God is Nothingness and Nothingness create the world. A mysterious substance make this world, in quatum theory, they call it God substance.
God is a loving energy free from any attachments. God is love. God is everywhere, because everything in this world made from God.
You can't see God because God only can be reach spiritually. For the realist, God never exist because God don't have any form. God only can be feel and believed.
The theory of God is very interesting to me. For someone who physically and spiritually seeking of what the meaning of life, the one suit me most is God come from Nothingness. You can't describe God but God do exist. Even physics can't find any explanation of God. That's why I try to look from spiritual eyes.
I believe God exist, God is universe, God is present everywhere. You might can't see God, but I believe once you understand the secret of life, you will see God and feel his loving energy.
I was a very 'logic' person but when I experience something that I can't explain, I believe now. Little by little I learn that something you can't see with naked eyes are equally exist with something that phisycally seen.
You can access God when you left everything behind and be greatful of what God already give you, thank you for everything you have today. Life.
Once you are in a state where you don't feel anything, no emotions attached, just deep warm love of happiness then you try to let go all your fears and give all of your life in the hand of God. Let everything flow as God had planned for you. Let God guide you and show you the way. There is always answer for your questions somewhere.
Whenever I have problem, I always have suicidal thought before. I was not afraid to die, because i thought I'm not worthy to live in this world. But now I am not afraid to live. Live is more challenging and I believe God have something to do for me. I born in this world for a purpose, something that I still looking until now. Everybody has purpose in this life, to make a better world however the way.
So, pure happiness is only come from God, not from this material world. Not from your money, not from your property and not from anyone. Don't ever put your happiness on something that never last. Believe me, you will dissapointed. Put your happiness on God alone and believe everything happen for a reason and for your own good.
I've been dissapointed many times before and nothing can make me happy, even when I already have everything that I want. I still feel empty.
Now I never push anything or obsessed to have anything, let everything flow and come to me. Whatever meant to be and meant for me will find a way. Be brave enough to say thank you God for what you have today. Because happiness comes from Nothingness.
To be continued..
Javanese believe that God is Nothingness and Nothingness create the world. A mysterious substance make this world, in quatum theory, they call it God substance.
God is a loving energy free from any attachments. God is love. God is everywhere, because everything in this world made from God.
You can't see God because God only can be reach spiritually. For the realist, God never exist because God don't have any form. God only can be feel and believed.
The theory of God is very interesting to me. For someone who physically and spiritually seeking of what the meaning of life, the one suit me most is God come from Nothingness. You can't describe God but God do exist. Even physics can't find any explanation of God. That's why I try to look from spiritual eyes.
I believe God exist, God is universe, God is present everywhere. You might can't see God, but I believe once you understand the secret of life, you will see God and feel his loving energy.
I was a very 'logic' person but when I experience something that I can't explain, I believe now. Little by little I learn that something you can't see with naked eyes are equally exist with something that phisycally seen.
You can access God when you left everything behind and be greatful of what God already give you, thank you for everything you have today. Life.
Once you are in a state where you don't feel anything, no emotions attached, just deep warm love of happiness then you try to let go all your fears and give all of your life in the hand of God. Let everything flow as God had planned for you. Let God guide you and show you the way. There is always answer for your questions somewhere.
Whenever I have problem, I always have suicidal thought before. I was not afraid to die, because i thought I'm not worthy to live in this world. But now I am not afraid to live. Live is more challenging and I believe God have something to do for me. I born in this world for a purpose, something that I still looking until now. Everybody has purpose in this life, to make a better world however the way.
So, pure happiness is only come from God, not from this material world. Not from your money, not from your property and not from anyone. Don't ever put your happiness on something that never last. Believe me, you will dissapointed. Put your happiness on God alone and believe everything happen for a reason and for your own good.
I've been dissapointed many times before and nothing can make me happy, even when I already have everything that I want. I still feel empty.
Now I never push anything or obsessed to have anything, let everything flow and come to me. Whatever meant to be and meant for me will find a way. Be brave enough to say thank you God for what you have today. Because happiness comes from Nothingness.
To be continued..
The Great Pretender
Good at pretending is one of the skill that you need to have to survive life at least that what I think. Sadly I'm not good at it.
I can't pretend to be someone I'm not. All of my action based on what I feel inside, I'm a bad pretender.
What I say is what I mean. If I say something like I don't want something or I love something, I do mean it. I never change my mind about something.
In this world full of pretenders, sometimes people understand me oppositely and think I'm pretending. Like other people. Well nope.
This sick society often think you have to pretend to do something to get what you want. It is manipulative and for me it is not acceptable.
Well, that's not for me and I never tolerate that. I can't tell something that is wrong or not right in my opinion.
There is also saying : woman always say something opposite. Nope nope. Maybe I'm not 100 percent woman or at least as a woman I always say something I want or I don't want and it has litteral meaning.
Well, until now people still misunderstand me and I still misunderstand people. Sometimes I can't differentiate which people only manipulate or have genuine intention to me. As long as I have good intention, I never afraid. I will still saying what I want and I always mean it and I believe people will also do that to me.
It's one of my life lesson that I need to understand. People who have same intention with me will stick to me till the end.
I can't pretend to be someone I'm not. All of my action based on what I feel inside, I'm a bad pretender.
What I say is what I mean. If I say something like I don't want something or I love something, I do mean it. I never change my mind about something.
In this world full of pretenders, sometimes people understand me oppositely and think I'm pretending. Like other people. Well nope.
This sick society often think you have to pretend to do something to get what you want. It is manipulative and for me it is not acceptable.
Well, that's not for me and I never tolerate that. I can't tell something that is wrong or not right in my opinion.
There is also saying : woman always say something opposite. Nope nope. Maybe I'm not 100 percent woman or at least as a woman I always say something I want or I don't want and it has litteral meaning.
Well, until now people still misunderstand me and I still misunderstand people. Sometimes I can't differentiate which people only manipulate or have genuine intention to me. As long as I have good intention, I never afraid. I will still saying what I want and I always mean it and I believe people will also do that to me.
It's one of my life lesson that I need to understand. People who have same intention with me will stick to me till the end.
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