Tuesday, 22 November 2022
Romantisme ondel-ondel (in Bahasa)
Tuesday, 8 November 2022
Divine timing
Divine timing and it's signs.
So I realize i can read signs, the signs can show up everywhere. Sometimes I just know what will happen in the near future, just from the voice inside my head.
Signs are real and it's showing up for a reason, for me to prepare what could happen next.
But there are still mysteries around the signs. Signs are only show up partially, but it's not a fixed thing that will happen, I only know it partially.
For example, I could know the energy of someone's coming to me, I know it will be a good one and yes its happened but I don't know what will happen after that and my expectations are too high on my own signs, but yeah it's happen for a reason also.
What I can learn from few years back, God put me in People's life for a reason, to trigger them and to give them lesson.
People need to earn me to be in their life.
I am the omen, I come in the divine timing.
On the other side, I learned to know my worth.
I can be a curse or a blessing. You choose.
Letter to myself
Monday, 7 November 2022
For you who left
This is for the people who left me. I'm trying to not to looking for you again. I'm trying not to hanging on to the idea that you left because of my mistake. You left because you chose it. It was your decision and I have to face it.
I can be so clingy, because being left out is one of my biggest fear. I am so scared of missing people who can finally getting around me. I'm so scared to be alone again.
Yes, most of the time I spend my days alone without people around me and sometimes I miss being around people and when I finally find people who can understand and listen to me, I just want to keep them with me. Forever.
This is one of my trauma, I always longing for people companion. Sometimes I hate myself for it. I hate why I feel I need to be around people.
I realize that everybody need to be around people and socialize, we are social animals. It's in our blood. But for me it's a luxury.
I am so sorry for being annoying, I feel worthless when I don't get the attention I needed. I just can't help it.
This is the letter for you who left. I'm sorry if I can't understand your needed for personal space.
And most importantly I need to understand that people have their own life and the world is not always gravitate towards me.
This is also a repeating lesson that I always getting. To be enough of my own company, to know my own worth and leave when people don't show the same effort as me.
I believe I am capable to love deeply and the one who get it will be so lucky to have me.
For you who left me, thank you for the lesson. I hope you are my last lesson. Lesson on knowing my worth.
Thursday, 20 October 2022
Patterns
Monday, 17 October 2022
Constant despair
Lately I realize that I have an open wound that came from abandonment. Living as a single fighter, I always try to be strong in every aspect of my life. I just know that human need social engagement. Grew up mostly alone in my room, without no friends to talk to or share about my feelings turn me into an attention seeker and a clingy person. I can be very sad when nobody giving me a constant attention. when someone give me attention for a while and it felt good, I can crave more and more.
In the deepest of my mind I judged myself for being an attention seeker and it's not a good thing because most people avoid that kind of people. But well, I need it. I need that attention, I need validation on my feelings, I need people to say I am not weird or I am just a clingy and annoying person. In fact yes I am. I never get that attention I deserved.
Yes, I tried to make myself full and I tried to love myself enough just to say to myself that i am capable of filling my own love tank. I don't want to blame anybody even to myself that until this second I never feel full of love.
I tried so hard to cover my insecurity and behave like a normal human. But recently it just burst into the surface. I have wound. I have been abandoned by people around me. It is not the act of pitying my self, well maybe some of you will judge me for it.
No, I even hate the idea of self pity. I really don't want to put myself as a victim. I don't like to be a victim and I don't want to have the victim mentality.
Lack is lack. It is the condition that something is missing. Missing love, missing connection, missing attention.
It is not my fault actually, I don't really want to be in that position since I was little. Maybe the cause of the abandonment issues was I never really expected in this world, I can feel it. My biological parents don't want me, my society where I grew up treat me differently and my adopted parents really never learn about parenting.
I think it is safe for me to say that I am the victim. I am the victim because I never really want to be born in this situation and I act carelessly because nobody telling me where I should go or what to do.
I never really had the normal family situation, I lived in a warzone where my parents argued all the time, no smile or happiness whatsoever,they are caught up in a survival situation.
I never really feel loved and that's why I crave love. I really am sorry to everyone who think that I'm just a troubled person. I really don't intend to. If I can fix myself or change the past, I would love to. I will trade it with everything that I have.