Friday, 24 February 2023

Revenge

That realization came to me about the revenge most people had including me. When you find people treated you not the way you wanted to either rejection or abandonment, you might link that feeling to your unresolved trauma back in the past. You have the urge to give back whatever treatment that people gave you, you became bitter and find a way to give them a lesson. The point here is you think you have the right to judge them and convict them and you try your best to make them feel the heartache.

The problem on the revenge is you can't break the cycle, you will end up more suffer than before. The question you need to ask after the revenge is what next? That person get what they supposed to get and then what? Now, not only you who hurt but other people also. Nobody wins. You are both losers. 

So how to break the cycle? No revenge. Period. Let themselves redeemed it not from you, maybe from other people. Maybe not now, maybe later in life. It's not your problem. Somebody say to me, if somebody mistreated you, they carry your bad karma with them. Let them carry it for their life.


Monday, 13 February 2023

Backfire

Do you remember anything that came up from your mouth? Be careful because it can backfire to you. This is not only for every people who read this but me also. 

Always keep your promises because universe write it down. And you need to be responsible for everything that you do in this world .

Distortion

The longer the memories linger, the more distorted it can get. You put more spice to it. Sometimes it get worst overtime, you put more drama in your head. Past can be clouded with your mixed emotions and unresolved trauma.

That's why the faster you finish it the faster you can heal or the wound can get deeper and deeper. The closure won't come from other people. The closure is within you. You need to remember, the more distorted the memories the darker it gets. You need to realize that. Accept the memories as it is. 

It's done and it finished, even seconds after it happened. Life goes on and so are you. Chin up .

Monday, 6 February 2023

Let it be. Angry.

Being angry is a natural reaction when your expectations doesn't match your reality. Like a child you can throw a tantrum when you don't get what you want. It's normal and it's okay. you are just being human. How to cope with anger is the most important here. First, ask yourself how you usually cope with your own anger? How is your anger management so far? Did you get violent? Did you run? Did you even afraid and blame yourself for being angry? Take a moment and just watch your own reaction. Don't stop, just watch. are you getting better when you do whatever you do? If Yes, ask more questions to yourself is it harmful for you or other people? If not keep doing it. The anger is within you after all, sometimes it doesn't have to be about other people, even the people you angry with doesn't even care about you and your feelings. It's okay and what you need to do is channeling the anger. The anger is about you that triggered by some kind of memories. The memories doesn't even exist again. You always have the choice, to be angry or not.

Tuesday, 22 November 2022

Romantisme ondel-ondel (in Bahasa)

Hari ini tergerak untuk menempuh perjalanan jauh yang tidak biasanya, berbekal keluhan demi keluhan kulontarkan dalam hati, kenapa Aku harus rela menunggu bus 13C Di stasiun busway semanggi. Setelah sekitar satu jam Aku mengutuki semua bus nomor 1 jurusan Kota -Blok M yang silih berganti melintas. Sepi, ramai, sepi lagi, ramai lagi. Dimana bus nomor 13c jurusan puri beta? Setelah berbekal tekad yang mulai padam, Aku bertanya kepada mbak-mbak berbaju biru. Apakah bus 13c lewat disini? Ternyata tidak, Aku harus Naik dari stasiun karet sudirman. Ya, stasiun lain. Dengan langkah gontai Aku melanjutkan perjalanan lagi. Setengah jam berlalu, akhirnya penantianku berujung, akhirnya aku naik bus juga. Dengan mata setengah merah dan waktu di jamku menunjukan pukul sembilan malam. 

Tak berhentinya Aku mengutuki kebodohanku kenapa tidak naik bus 9e jurusan kebayoran saja? Tapi yasudahlah Aku berusaha bersyukur menikmati perjalanan ini, melewati kapten tendean, mayestik, dan pemandangan gandaria city dari jauh. Banyak Memori yang sudah Aku lewati Di tempat-tempat itu. Keluhan berakhir menjadi kilasan-kilasan Memori di masa lalu. Ada yang bahagia, adapula yang menyedihkan. yah inilah hidup di Jakarta, setelah hampir 10 tahun aku tidak pernah menaiki kendaraan umum. Aku menikmati perjalanan ini pada akhirnya.

Setelah turun di kebayoran lama, akupun berganti menaiki angkut c05, dengan nafas dan badan yang pegal aku mengamati keadaan sekitarku. Mimpi apa Aku bisa ke daerah ini lagi? Angkot pun menepi, segerombolan anak baru gede, mungkin berumur belum genap 20 tahun yang berada di balik kemudi angkot. Ia bersama 2 orang teman2nya lagi duduk di kursi depan, menyetel lagu-lagu melayu tiktok teranyar. Ah, betapa sederhananya kebahagiaan untuk mereka. 

Akupun bertanya-tanya apa ada kejutan lagi untukku malam ini? Setelah aku harus menunggu berjam-jam. 

Angkot tiba-tiba berhenti, sepasang anak muda mungkin juga belum genap berumur 20an, dengan raut wajah layu tapi bersemangat. Mereka menaikkan ondel-ondel dan seperangkat sound sistem ondel-ondel masuk dalam angkot, sambil meminta maaf dengan sopan kepadaku. Maaf ya kak, jadi lama. Dengan senyum yang tertutup masker akupun menjawab tidak apa-apa de.

Akupun mengamati mereka, sepasang sejoli yang sangat muda, Aku berada di tengah generasi Z kalau kata orang Kota. Mereka berdua sepertinya sepasang suami istri muda, Aku bisa melihat tatapan mesra mereka berdua. Mereka berbicara satu sama lain dengan semangat bahwa hari ini cukup menyenangkan dan pendapatan mereka lumayan.

Aku membayangkan betapa lelahnya mereka harus berjalan berkilo-kilo meter dengan ondel-ondel yang dinaikkan diatas angkot itu. Sang suami muda yang berada di dalam ondel-ondel pengap itu dan istrinya mendorong sound sistem ondel-ondel yang terlihat berat. Aku yang hanya menunggu Di terminal busway satu jam saja sudah mencak-mencak.

Malam ini aku melihat ketulusan dari tatapan dua anak remaja ini, mereka bahkan bersenda gurau, merencanakan makan malam apa nanti, apa pakai telur atau sayur yang dibeli di warung tegal, berandai-andai jika sang istri kelak hamil dan pergi ke puskesmas bersama. Betapa sederhananya kebahagiaan mereka tanpa memperdulikan rasa lelah mereka yang terlihat dari luka-luka lecet di sela sendal jepit mereka. Ingin rasanya kuabadikan tatapan mereka dalam foto atau film.

Sekali lagi aku bersyukur bisa dipertemukan dengan anak-anak remaja ini, mereka tidak kenal lelah untuk mencari nafkah demi masa depan mereka yang mungkin bagi banyak orang perkataan diolok-olok, bahkan direndahkan. Akupun terkadang mengabaikan ondel-ondel yang lewat, bahkan enggan untuk memberi seribu dua ribu untuk mereka.

Akupun tersadar, cinta itu ada dalam kesederhanaan, Aku yang mulai pahit lagi melihat cinta menjadi tercerahkan kembali. Cinta itu bisa hadir dimanapun, membuat hidup kita yang berat menjadi lebih ringan, bahkan di keadaan tersulit pun. Aku tidak akan menyerah untuk mencari cinta. Walaupun sudah puluhan kali dikhianati dan ditinggalkan. Aku percaya cinta itu ada, cinta itu bisa hadir jika Kita mampu untuk melihatnya dengan kacamata kesederhanaan.

Bagi cinta yang silih berganti pergi dari hidupku, tak ada satupun yang kusesali, mungkin memang waktu belum berpihak padaku atau mungkin orang-orang yang pernah ada dalam hidupku sudah menyerah dengan cinta (atau mungkin dengan sifatku?). Cinta bisa datang kapanpun dan aku akan terus mempercayainya. Karena cinta bukan hanya dalam bahagia tapi dalam susah. 

Pada akhirnya cinta hanya akan diuji oleh waktu dan kemauan untuk bertahan bersama. 

Malam yang ajaib. Terima kasih dik, sudah menginspirasiku lagi. 


Tuesday, 8 November 2022

Divine timing

Divine timing and it's signs. 


So I realize i can read signs, the signs can show up everywhere. Sometimes I just know what will happen in the near future, just from the voice inside my head.

Signs are real and it's showing up for a reason, for me to prepare what could happen next.

But there are still mysteries around the signs. Signs are only show up partially, but it's not a fixed thing that will happen, I only know it partially.

For example, I could know the energy of someone's coming to me, I know it will be a good one and yes its happened but I don't know what will happen after that and my expectations are too high on my own signs, but yeah it's happen for a reason also.

What I can learn from few years back, God put me in People's life for a reason, to trigger them and to give them lesson.

People need to earn me to be in their life.

I am the omen, I come in the divine timing.

On the other side, I learned to know my worth.

I can be a curse or a blessing. You choose.


Letter to myself

Darling, you are worthy

You deserve love
You deserve people's attention
You deserve a good family
You deserve peace
You deserve a loving man
You deserve justice
You deserve good friendship
You deserve the best what the world can offer
You deserve people who needs you
You deserve to be happy 

You are God's creation and inside you there is a light that sometimes can blind people who see it.

Maybe you are not the easiest person to be with but you know you are worthy and you know you can love deeply and unconditionally.

People might see your weaknesses but they don't know the strength lie inside.

To you my self 

I love you. 

Ps . Please don't be too hard on yourself