Lately life taught me lessons that I keep in my mind everyday, I try not to do same mistakes over and over again. But my biggest lesson is my emotions or feelings are deceptive. My emotions based on my experience of certain things that I haven't let go yet. Being sad or dissapointed is not helping me with anything, It won't make my situation better. Sit and think how to act differently will.
Past experienced is done. It is happened and yes it leaves a mark in your head and it called memory. Repeating it again and again will not help you and will not make it happen again. In fact your childhood memories or yesterday memory is actually the same. Some significant some not, they're all the same.
You can't control how people treat you. It is their will and you can't do anything about it. Hoping is okay but lost in your hope and create illusion is not okay. Just let people be. You only can control yourself. Love yourself, don't let whatever people do to you affect you. Their action is their own projection on themself. Only you decide what you want to do and allow yourself how to feel.
If people don't love you it's not your fault. People who love you will come naturally and won't give up on you no matter what happen. So, yeah just accept that they just not your people. It is what it is. They made choice how to see you and not loving you is not your fault at all. Don't take it personally. There is always somebody out there that will love you.
You can't force anything to happen even with the guidance of spirit guide. If it happen, it will happen in it's time. There's nothing you can do, it is all in God's hand.
Help always come when you needed the most. Somehow you will get through anything without you realize. Don't stress too much, worry will not help also, everything will fall in it's place and it is perfect for you for what it is. Everything happen for a reason, for you to learn new life lesson.
Accept, embrace and enjoy present time. You still breathe today and not lack of anything is enough. Everybody in this world has their own portion.
Everybody has different path from you and that's fine. They serve their own destiny and so are you. Don't be too hard on yourself by comparing your life with others. They are not you and you are not them. It is what it is.
People come into your life for 3 reasons, they come for a reason, a season or a lesson.
Saturday, 22 September 2018
Thursday, 13 September 2018
Turning point
I found this video of one of my favorite singer all time, India Arie. Everybody has their own turning point and it leads us to the point where we just accept and surrender to God whatever plan he has. I had that turning point before as I write in my past blog. I understand now that we can't work on our life with our own power. Just trust our life in the hand of God. Everything connected and He will not let us to walk alone. There's always help that lead us to our divine purpose. My journey is not over yet and I will keep going no matter God wants me to do.
Monday, 10 September 2018
There's Hope
Back when I had a little
I thought that I needed a lot
A little was over rated
But a lot was a little too complicated
You see, zero didn't satisfy me
A million didn't make me happy
That's when I learned the lesson
That it's all about your perceptions
Hey, are you a pauper or a superstar?
So you act, so you feel, so you are
It ain't about the size of your car
It's about the size of the faith in your heart
I thought that I needed a lot
A little was over rated
But a lot was a little too complicated
You see, zero didn't satisfy me
A million didn't make me happy
That's when I learned the lesson
That it's all about your perceptions
Hey, are you a pauper or a superstar?
So you act, so you feel, so you are
It ain't about the size of your car
It's about the size of the faith in your heart
There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
There's hope
Off in the back country of Brazil
A met a young brother that made me feel
That I could accomplish anything
(You see, just like me, he wanted to sing)
(He had) no windows and no doors
He lived a simple life and was extremely poor
On top of all of that, he had no eyesight
(But that didn't keep him from seein' the light)
(He said) what's it like in the USA?
And all I did was complain
(He said) living here is paradise
He taught me paradise is in your mind; you know that...
A met a young brother that made me feel
That I could accomplish anything
(You see, just like me, he wanted to sing)
(He had) no windows and no doors
He lived a simple life and was extremely poor
On top of all of that, he had no eyesight
(But that didn't keep him from seein' the light)
(He said) what's it like in the USA?
And all I did was complain
(He said) living here is paradise
He taught me paradise is in your mind; you know that...
There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
There's hope
Every time I turn on the T.V. (There's hope)
Somebody's acting crazy (There's hope)
If you let it, it'll drive you crazy (There's hope)
But I'm takin' back my power today (There's hope)
Gas prices - they just keep on rising (There's hope)
The government - they keep on lying
But we gotta keep on surviving
Keep living our truth and do the best we can do
Somebody's acting crazy (There's hope)
If you let it, it'll drive you crazy (There's hope)
But I'm takin' back my power today (There's hope)
Gas prices - they just keep on rising (There's hope)
The government - they keep on lying
But we gotta keep on surviving
Keep living our truth and do the best we can do
'Cause there's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that, yeah, yeah
There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that, yeah, yeah
There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
There's hope
Stand up for your rights
Keep shining your light
And show the world your smile
Keep shining your light
And show the world your smile
Stand up for your rights
Keep shining your light
And show the world your smile
Keep shining your light
And show the world your smile
There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
There's hope
Sunday, 9 September 2018
Months of happiness
After a long journey of disappointment, I decided to take a break. I really didn't want to involved in any relationship or dating game again. I chose to be single and enjoying myself. I closed and delete all of my dating website and apps, it's time to finally surrender and let love come itself.
The 2016 was my happiest year, year of no drama. I went to music concerts alone, I went to visit my friend in malaysia, I went to Bali all alone.
I finally found myself back. I made good friends and I made great memories with them. I once again can be focus on self growth without interruption.
I laugh louder than before, I dance to every music on the radio, i went to gym, do yoga and fixing myself.
When I was in Bali, I pray to God to guide me to the next chapter of my life. I'm about to quit my job without any future plan. So I tell God to bring it on whatever plan he had for me. I want to learn more about life and I want to go from my parents house.
My parents always push me to do everything they want. They never give me options or chance to express my interest. All they wanted is for me to inherit their business, which I hate so much. I never have any interest in that field. At all.
I was in a very hard position, to be in control of my parents or find my own path from zero. As always I chose the hard one but I didn't know how to start. Uncertainty hit me hard.
God give me a hint, on 1st January 2017 in Bali, I had a motorbike accident. I never had accident before in my life. My feeling told me that there will be something happen in that year. It will.
I officially quit my job as radio announcer and producer In March 2017 hoping I will get a job because some companies look interested to hire me. There even a company called my for interview 3 times and I already took their test and another company where my friend work called me out also.
But guess what? From all the CVS I sent, not even one call me again. Something was wrong. Yes. I know there must be someone involved in this. Yep. Thank you universe! Now I don't have job and my parents are pushy as ever.
I remember I was crying all day just for God to answer my prayer.around February He sent me one person I never even knew before and she had this ability to see me. She know everything what I went through and reason behind this. She said this will be my awakening, I need to go through this karmic situation from my biological dad. I never knew who was my biological parents and this person can read all of my ancestral past. She was God sent. She told me that there was something that lure her to talk to me. Remember, I never knew her before, she just came into my life out of nowhere. She just literally came to me in a public place.
I don't know how, I get a long with this person, she explain to me about the gift I have. I knew it. I always felt that I'm connected into something spiritual. All of my life I believe in spirituality and seeking for answer. I always had a vivid dream before something happen. I can read people and it surprisingly accurate. I only tell people what's inside my mind. I always feel like something following me from I was small to guide me . I don't even have no idea why. I always be the mysterious one who had different point of view. The weird one.
This person open my eyes about my situation and why it happen like this. She said I need to learn certain things before I can get into my full potential. I need to learn about patient, releasing my selfishness, and ego. This she told me before I going through all things. I said, bring it on. My arrogance nature and my over optimism said it will be just fine and everything will be easy. No it won't.
The 2016 was my happiest year, year of no drama. I went to music concerts alone, I went to visit my friend in malaysia, I went to Bali all alone.
I finally found myself back. I made good friends and I made great memories with them. I once again can be focus on self growth without interruption.
I laugh louder than before, I dance to every music on the radio, i went to gym, do yoga and fixing myself.
When I was in Bali, I pray to God to guide me to the next chapter of my life. I'm about to quit my job without any future plan. So I tell God to bring it on whatever plan he had for me. I want to learn more about life and I want to go from my parents house.
My parents always push me to do everything they want. They never give me options or chance to express my interest. All they wanted is for me to inherit their business, which I hate so much. I never have any interest in that field. At all.
I was in a very hard position, to be in control of my parents or find my own path from zero. As always I chose the hard one but I didn't know how to start. Uncertainty hit me hard.
God give me a hint, on 1st January 2017 in Bali, I had a motorbike accident. I never had accident before in my life. My feeling told me that there will be something happen in that year. It will.
I officially quit my job as radio announcer and producer In March 2017 hoping I will get a job because some companies look interested to hire me. There even a company called my for interview 3 times and I already took their test and another company where my friend work called me out also.
But guess what? From all the CVS I sent, not even one call me again. Something was wrong. Yes. I know there must be someone involved in this. Yep. Thank you universe! Now I don't have job and my parents are pushy as ever.
I remember I was crying all day just for God to answer my prayer.around February He sent me one person I never even knew before and she had this ability to see me. She know everything what I went through and reason behind this. She said this will be my awakening, I need to go through this karmic situation from my biological dad. I never knew who was my biological parents and this person can read all of my ancestral past. She was God sent. She told me that there was something that lure her to talk to me. Remember, I never knew her before, she just came into my life out of nowhere. She just literally came to me in a public place.
I don't know how, I get a long with this person, she explain to me about the gift I have. I knew it. I always felt that I'm connected into something spiritual. All of my life I believe in spirituality and seeking for answer. I always had a vivid dream before something happen. I can read people and it surprisingly accurate. I only tell people what's inside my mind. I always feel like something following me from I was small to guide me . I don't even have no idea why. I always be the mysterious one who had different point of view. The weird one.
This person open my eyes about my situation and why it happen like this. She said I need to learn certain things before I can get into my full potential. I need to learn about patient, releasing my selfishness, and ego. This she told me before I going through all things. I said, bring it on. My arrogance nature and my over optimism said it will be just fine and everything will be easy. No it won't.
Saturday, 8 September 2018
Years of looking for my other half (5)
It took about a year to recover myself from heartbreak and self pitiness. I finally brave enough to start new adventure. Again. Yes. Again. It was the end of college year. I was 23 that time.
I remember I was interested to one guy I sang together in an event a few years back, I tried to look for his contact and he responded me well. Too well.
We get along very quick, and without I realized, we were in relationship.
He was a very nice guy at the beginning, he was looking at this world with rose coloured glasses on. Everything was nice, positive and he treated me so well. For the first few months.
But something was wrong, he never want me to know his house or his family. He kept secret to me. Well. Whenever someone kept a secret for me, I have to find it, it's a challenge for me. I ask people, I sneak into his ID card to see his house address and yes, I google earth it. Voila! I saw his house now then I told him what's wrong (I even went to his house uninvited)
He told me he was insecure about his family condition, his house everything because he didn't come from a wealthy family. I never care about that to be honest, just tell me. Be open to me no matter what.
I once again go the distance for him, most of the time I went to his place out of Jakarta which was so far just to meet him. He never like to come to Jakarta because he feel intimidated by people who ''wealthier" than him. Well, you don't need to be rich to go to luxurious mall or whatever, it was only public places and people don't even care about who you are. All you need is confidence and nobody won't judge you anyway. I found this thing very weird and I still try to understand him.
Time pass by, he showed me his real face. A very pessimistic,needy and an egosentrical man. Well, that what he showed me. I feel not comfortable when he called me on phone every single hour when I have work to do. My work was so busy, I don't even have time to eat lunch, that how was busy it was.
He can get angry to me just because I busy his call and threat me want to break up with me. What a gaslighter and manipulative man he was. I can't live like this or even imagine spend the rest of my life with him. Nope nope. It's a red flag.
He was abusive also. There was one time we went to cinema, and I was so busy watch the movie (you go to cinema to watch movie right? Not to hug, kissing and forget the movie) he was so angry to me and he grab my arms and pull me when the movie over. I had bruises all over. Even my mom and my church friend asking me about the bruises. I said nothing, just fell from bed.
The final moment was when I go with my female friend to hang out in a hotel. We did book a hotel to have sleep over and binge drinking because we were so stressed with our life and work. He invited her boyfriend also.
What happened? Disaster. He called me on phone and I told him I have a sleep over and he was angry as hell! I even let him talk to them and if he can go to meet us. He don't want to do that instead he cursed me and assaulted me with his words. He told me I was a prostitute to book a hotel. What a small minded he was! Everybody can book a hotel for whatever reason. Not only prostitution. He was mad.
Short story, I went home at 7 o'clock and show him I was home and I cancelled my sleepover night with my friends. He was a total day ruiner. He said he wanted to break up. I said okay. I'll can't help any longer. What kind of relationship that you never feel happy in it? You can't even have happy time with your friend?
The following day he went to my office and crying in front of everybody in my office and saying sorry. I left him because I have appointment with my friend to go to Bandung that time. I have no time for his bullshit anymore. Once again he blame me and playing victim while in the other side he already had new girlfriend (thanks to my stalking ability)
What a waste of 2 years of my time and energy for this man. I tried to help him with anything , I went far to his city just for date, I paid most of the expenses because he said he never had money in hand.
He only want to control and take away my happiness. So bye bye.
After I come out from this emotional thundercloud, I start to use internet dating again, now I went to dating apps. In my mind I still have the goal to find my other half.
So I met several guys there, but only 2 of them that caught my attention.
The first one was a fitness place manager. Good looking, gentle man and very kind to me. I went to his place, he cooked for me, he gave me life advices. He was 10 years older than me and he had quiet interesting past. He was romantic and we seeing each other for a few months. Everything was smooth. I couldn't be more happy.
Until one day I met him at his workplace and he wanted to talk to me. So first news was his accomplishment, he wanted to move to another place and the company sent him to England. I knew he worked so hard to be in his position right now. I was happy for him.
Second news, not to pleased to hear. He met another girl before me and that girl was pregnant with him, and her family came to him asking to marry him. He didn't know she was pregnant until her 7 months of pregnancy. She never told him about this before.
What kind of news is this?? He decided to marry her the following month even he didn't feel like to marry, he had this certain image that he need to create so he can't ruined his life. In 2 months the baby born and he become a married man.
What the actual fuck is that? Once again I left in the cold after everything I've been through. Life was not fair. I tried to understand and he was so sorry for everything. What can I do? He's not my other half.
After another broken heart, I met this new guy. Same thing. We met many times and he was so charming and brilliant. He was a company owner from Singapore. ( The full story I wrote in my other blog ; dear valentine)
Another unexpecting news came from my friend who worked for him before. He is a married man. After I knew about this, I just tell him about what I discovered. He explained to me that it was true and he was going through divorced. In Singapore you can't get divorced if your marriage no more than 2 years. I can't. I don't want this. I don't want to be involved in any marriage. I let him go. He's not my other half.
I wish my heart is made out of steel. I keep going on. This all experience is not even the worst one. There will he worst thing will come around the corner. It will all happen when I just had my 25th birthday on 2016. A different kind of journey will start, dragged me into the most tiring moments of my life, not only my heart and emotions, but every single aspect in my life.
To be continued...
I remember I was interested to one guy I sang together in an event a few years back, I tried to look for his contact and he responded me well. Too well.
We get along very quick, and without I realized, we were in relationship.
He was a very nice guy at the beginning, he was looking at this world with rose coloured glasses on. Everything was nice, positive and he treated me so well. For the first few months.
But something was wrong, he never want me to know his house or his family. He kept secret to me. Well. Whenever someone kept a secret for me, I have to find it, it's a challenge for me. I ask people, I sneak into his ID card to see his house address and yes, I google earth it. Voila! I saw his house now then I told him what's wrong (I even went to his house uninvited)
He told me he was insecure about his family condition, his house everything because he didn't come from a wealthy family. I never care about that to be honest, just tell me. Be open to me no matter what.
I once again go the distance for him, most of the time I went to his place out of Jakarta which was so far just to meet him. He never like to come to Jakarta because he feel intimidated by people who ''wealthier" than him. Well, you don't need to be rich to go to luxurious mall or whatever, it was only public places and people don't even care about who you are. All you need is confidence and nobody won't judge you anyway. I found this thing very weird and I still try to understand him.
Time pass by, he showed me his real face. A very pessimistic,needy and an egosentrical man. Well, that what he showed me. I feel not comfortable when he called me on phone every single hour when I have work to do. My work was so busy, I don't even have time to eat lunch, that how was busy it was.
He can get angry to me just because I busy his call and threat me want to break up with me. What a gaslighter and manipulative man he was. I can't live like this or even imagine spend the rest of my life with him. Nope nope. It's a red flag.
He was abusive also. There was one time we went to cinema, and I was so busy watch the movie (you go to cinema to watch movie right? Not to hug, kissing and forget the movie) he was so angry to me and he grab my arms and pull me when the movie over. I had bruises all over. Even my mom and my church friend asking me about the bruises. I said nothing, just fell from bed.
The final moment was when I go with my female friend to hang out in a hotel. We did book a hotel to have sleep over and binge drinking because we were so stressed with our life and work. He invited her boyfriend also.
What happened? Disaster. He called me on phone and I told him I have a sleep over and he was angry as hell! I even let him talk to them and if he can go to meet us. He don't want to do that instead he cursed me and assaulted me with his words. He told me I was a prostitute to book a hotel. What a small minded he was! Everybody can book a hotel for whatever reason. Not only prostitution. He was mad.
Short story, I went home at 7 o'clock and show him I was home and I cancelled my sleepover night with my friends. He was a total day ruiner. He said he wanted to break up. I said okay. I'll can't help any longer. What kind of relationship that you never feel happy in it? You can't even have happy time with your friend?
The following day he went to my office and crying in front of everybody in my office and saying sorry. I left him because I have appointment with my friend to go to Bandung that time. I have no time for his bullshit anymore. Once again he blame me and playing victim while in the other side he already had new girlfriend (thanks to my stalking ability)
What a waste of 2 years of my time and energy for this man. I tried to help him with anything , I went far to his city just for date, I paid most of the expenses because he said he never had money in hand.
He only want to control and take away my happiness. So bye bye.
After I come out from this emotional thundercloud, I start to use internet dating again, now I went to dating apps. In my mind I still have the goal to find my other half.
So I met several guys there, but only 2 of them that caught my attention.
The first one was a fitness place manager. Good looking, gentle man and very kind to me. I went to his place, he cooked for me, he gave me life advices. He was 10 years older than me and he had quiet interesting past. He was romantic and we seeing each other for a few months. Everything was smooth. I couldn't be more happy.
Until one day I met him at his workplace and he wanted to talk to me. So first news was his accomplishment, he wanted to move to another place and the company sent him to England. I knew he worked so hard to be in his position right now. I was happy for him.
Second news, not to pleased to hear. He met another girl before me and that girl was pregnant with him, and her family came to him asking to marry him. He didn't know she was pregnant until her 7 months of pregnancy. She never told him about this before.
What kind of news is this?? He decided to marry her the following month even he didn't feel like to marry, he had this certain image that he need to create so he can't ruined his life. In 2 months the baby born and he become a married man.
What the actual fuck is that? Once again I left in the cold after everything I've been through. Life was not fair. I tried to understand and he was so sorry for everything. What can I do? He's not my other half.
After another broken heart, I met this new guy. Same thing. We met many times and he was so charming and brilliant. He was a company owner from Singapore. ( The full story I wrote in my other blog ; dear valentine)
Another unexpecting news came from my friend who worked for him before. He is a married man. After I knew about this, I just tell him about what I discovered. He explained to me that it was true and he was going through divorced. In Singapore you can't get divorced if your marriage no more than 2 years. I can't. I don't want this. I don't want to be involved in any marriage. I let him go. He's not my other half.
I wish my heart is made out of steel. I keep going on. This all experience is not even the worst one. There will he worst thing will come around the corner. It will all happen when I just had my 25th birthday on 2016. A different kind of journey will start, dragged me into the most tiring moments of my life, not only my heart and emotions, but every single aspect in my life.
To be continued...
Friday, 7 September 2018
Years of looking for my other half (4)
After I finished with my Australian ex boyfriend, I felt like born again. I was like a bird. Free from any boundaries (he was abusive and obsessive) I felt like a real 21 year old girl again.
That period of time I like to hang out with my classmates, we going crazy together. We went to clubs and having crazy hook ups. I met guys from internet (again) but now I never really have type. Anyone who was nice to me and honest, will stand a chance. Few hook ups here and there, I can't even remember, because there are no serious one, even I never have intention to find serious relationship at that time. We were girls just want to have fun.
Until one day, one of my friend was very tired going to clubs and wanted to chill in bundaran HI. So I went there.
There was one particular day, there was one guy who seemed like interested in me. He introduced himself as a singer. Band and street singer. He sang to me and everything just fell to something more serious. We were seeing each other nearly every day in the same place, at the same time. Mostly at night. I thought why not, this is just another life adventure right? Yes it was a very hard one.
His life was not stable at all, he didn't have a job that time, only being a street artist. I know this guy was intelligent somehow, I could see from his eyes. Not like other uneducated street artist. I was right. Later on he told me he ran away from his house for 5 years and never come back. He came from a very respectable family, even his grandfather was Indonesian national hero ( even has his name for one of the protocol road)
He took me to his family house in South Area after he never come back home. It was surprising and his house was in elite housing i can tell. His mom like me and we talk for hours.
I fell for him, I saw his struggle and I helped him whatever that I can help. Everything even money. He can't afford anything and didn't want to depend on his mom.
But something was wrong and I found out He was a drug user. Also a drug dealer. Omfg. And I still wanted to be with him because I think I can change him. Nope I can't until forever and ever.
The final time was he told me police catch him whatsoever and wanted me to transfer money to his account for bail. I sent all I have that time, and I just started work as an intern in a radio station.
After that, I never see him again. Until I saw his social media that he move to Bandung and have new girlfriend not up to 1 month after he lost every contact with me. After that police case.
I went to his mom and crying. I told her that he really break my heart and his mom can't do anything. She was also speechless.
I was so deppresed that time, I feel deeply betrayed. I gave all I have, my love, my money, my trust and he just having fun with another woman. And they married not long after.
I found out that the girlfriend was pregnant and have baby few months later. So, even when he still with me he already with that girl and I don't even know what for the money I sent to him before.
I blame myself for my stupidity and my good heart to him. I never really blame him, I blame myself more.
That period of time I became alcoholic. I drink alcohol right after I woke up and right before I slept at night. I woke up at 3 o clock in the afternoon and sleep at 6 o clock in the morning. I even skip classes and skip work. One of my darkest time.
I cut my wrist and I wanted to kill my self. I wasn't eat for weeks, I smoke and drink alcohol only. I was dying. But my journey to find my other half will continue again and again.
To be continued...
That period of time I like to hang out with my classmates, we going crazy together. We went to clubs and having crazy hook ups. I met guys from internet (again) but now I never really have type. Anyone who was nice to me and honest, will stand a chance. Few hook ups here and there, I can't even remember, because there are no serious one, even I never have intention to find serious relationship at that time. We were girls just want to have fun.
Until one day, one of my friend was very tired going to clubs and wanted to chill in bundaran HI. So I went there.
There was one particular day, there was one guy who seemed like interested in me. He introduced himself as a singer. Band and street singer. He sang to me and everything just fell to something more serious. We were seeing each other nearly every day in the same place, at the same time. Mostly at night. I thought why not, this is just another life adventure right? Yes it was a very hard one.
His life was not stable at all, he didn't have a job that time, only being a street artist. I know this guy was intelligent somehow, I could see from his eyes. Not like other uneducated street artist. I was right. Later on he told me he ran away from his house for 5 years and never come back. He came from a very respectable family, even his grandfather was Indonesian national hero ( even has his name for one of the protocol road)
He took me to his family house in South Area after he never come back home. It was surprising and his house was in elite housing i can tell. His mom like me and we talk for hours.
I fell for him, I saw his struggle and I helped him whatever that I can help. Everything even money. He can't afford anything and didn't want to depend on his mom.
But something was wrong and I found out He was a drug user. Also a drug dealer. Omfg. And I still wanted to be with him because I think I can change him. Nope I can't until forever and ever.
The final time was he told me police catch him whatsoever and wanted me to transfer money to his account for bail. I sent all I have that time, and I just started work as an intern in a radio station.
After that, I never see him again. Until I saw his social media that he move to Bandung and have new girlfriend not up to 1 month after he lost every contact with me. After that police case.
I went to his mom and crying. I told her that he really break my heart and his mom can't do anything. She was also speechless.
I was so deppresed that time, I feel deeply betrayed. I gave all I have, my love, my money, my trust and he just having fun with another woman. And they married not long after.
I found out that the girlfriend was pregnant and have baby few months later. So, even when he still with me he already with that girl and I don't even know what for the money I sent to him before.
I blame myself for my stupidity and my good heart to him. I never really blame him, I blame myself more.
That period of time I became alcoholic. I drink alcohol right after I woke up and right before I slept at night. I woke up at 3 o clock in the afternoon and sleep at 6 o clock in the morning. I even skip classes and skip work. One of my darkest time.
I cut my wrist and I wanted to kill my self. I wasn't eat for weeks, I smoke and drink alcohol only. I was dying. But my journey to find my other half will continue again and again.
To be continued...
Years of looking for my other half (3)
I was 19 and I started to start a quest to find my other half. I used internet dating website. I have nothing to be afraid of. I was ready for anything. With rage in my heart and a heartbreak open wound.
I thought I had this realistic point of view on looking for my next love. This time I won't fall again. I need to find someone that really mature and can take care of me.
I had specific type of man now. I don't want to be with Indonesian anymore. Yep. I look for foreigners.
I chat many people, maybe like 30 something people. I blocked whoever that only looking for sex or scammers in general. I only wanted a real person that will do the distance for me. Nothing less.
I met few of them, man from around the globe. Irish, Scottish, American, African American, lots of Aussies. They do this for work mostly, mining company workers, businessman, artist, yoga teacher even athlete. The athlete one is real athlete I saw him play basketball on TV.
Most of them are nice but don't want real relationship, so I eliminated them. I have goal now.
There is one guy who stay in Australia, never visit Indonesia before, work in mining industry in his town and willing to visit Indonesia just for me. I thought he was lying, but nope. He really came and we met after 6 months of intense video call. He introduce me to his mom and sister via Skype. He's a genuine man.
He was 17 years older than me, never married and want to find love. I said why not? Let's try and see what will happen. I was 19 he was 36. What a huge gap. But I'm not a type of person who see people from their age, everybody's is the same no matter their age or nationality. After all they're human and they have unique life story.
He showed up and his mind is different from any people I knew before. He is intelligent and very open minded. I like open minded person whom I can talk anything without getting intimidated. I love his way of thinking. He's everything to me. Everything I ever wanted and financially stable.
I dated him for 2 years, from 19 to 21. That 2 years of my life I felt like living in a dream. He came to Jakarta every single month for one week. He treated me like princess. He always gave me everything that I wanted, every food that I wanted to eat. We went to every five stars hotel and finest restaurant.
We went to Bali several times of course stay in five star villas and YES! Same date the following year I swear to myself I have to go to Bali to show my ex, It really happened. I went to his restaurant where he worked with my new foreigner boyfriend who was so so so much more than him.
I win. At least I prove myself that I can have someone better than him.
He kind of proposed me that time and ask me to marry him. I said no. Not until I finish school because for me education is number one. He offered me to go to Australia with him and continue my degree there. I said no. I'm glad I didn't say yes.
Around a year, I saw changes in his personality. He was not that sunny anymore. He drink a lot. He was very deppresed and like to yelled at me. I was crying all the time and I swear to God, I was afraid to see him.
He was tall and big. Way much bigger than me (I'm a big girl myself, you can imagine how big he is, like 190 cms something) I wanted to run literally to save my life. He get abusive and I was not comfortable at all.
That day around 2 years, I finally decide to ended the relationship and call it to an end for good. He was angry like I never see before, he threatens me with any cursed words possible. He wanted to go to my house and sue me for whatever expenses he gave to me. (I never ask for any money, all the expenses literally just hotel bills and restaurant bills which he enjoy also). He just wanted to make me afraid and terrorized my life.
It ended for good. So my journey to find my other half is now tiring me already. But I never give up.
To be continued...
I thought I had this realistic point of view on looking for my next love. This time I won't fall again. I need to find someone that really mature and can take care of me.
I had specific type of man now. I don't want to be with Indonesian anymore. Yep. I look for foreigners.
I chat many people, maybe like 30 something people. I blocked whoever that only looking for sex or scammers in general. I only wanted a real person that will do the distance for me. Nothing less.
I met few of them, man from around the globe. Irish, Scottish, American, African American, lots of Aussies. They do this for work mostly, mining company workers, businessman, artist, yoga teacher even athlete. The athlete one is real athlete I saw him play basketball on TV.
Most of them are nice but don't want real relationship, so I eliminated them. I have goal now.
There is one guy who stay in Australia, never visit Indonesia before, work in mining industry in his town and willing to visit Indonesia just for me. I thought he was lying, but nope. He really came and we met after 6 months of intense video call. He introduce me to his mom and sister via Skype. He's a genuine man.
He was 17 years older than me, never married and want to find love. I said why not? Let's try and see what will happen. I was 19 he was 36. What a huge gap. But I'm not a type of person who see people from their age, everybody's is the same no matter their age or nationality. After all they're human and they have unique life story.
He showed up and his mind is different from any people I knew before. He is intelligent and very open minded. I like open minded person whom I can talk anything without getting intimidated. I love his way of thinking. He's everything to me. Everything I ever wanted and financially stable.
I dated him for 2 years, from 19 to 21. That 2 years of my life I felt like living in a dream. He came to Jakarta every single month for one week. He treated me like princess. He always gave me everything that I wanted, every food that I wanted to eat. We went to every five stars hotel and finest restaurant.
We went to Bali several times of course stay in five star villas and YES! Same date the following year I swear to myself I have to go to Bali to show my ex, It really happened. I went to his restaurant where he worked with my new foreigner boyfriend who was so so so much more than him.
I win. At least I prove myself that I can have someone better than him.
He kind of proposed me that time and ask me to marry him. I said no. Not until I finish school because for me education is number one. He offered me to go to Australia with him and continue my degree there. I said no. I'm glad I didn't say yes.
Around a year, I saw changes in his personality. He was not that sunny anymore. He drink a lot. He was very deppresed and like to yelled at me. I was crying all the time and I swear to God, I was afraid to see him.
He was tall and big. Way much bigger than me (I'm a big girl myself, you can imagine how big he is, like 190 cms something) I wanted to run literally to save my life. He get abusive and I was not comfortable at all.
That day around 2 years, I finally decide to ended the relationship and call it to an end for good. He was angry like I never see before, he threatens me with any cursed words possible. He wanted to go to my house and sue me for whatever expenses he gave to me. (I never ask for any money, all the expenses literally just hotel bills and restaurant bills which he enjoy also). He just wanted to make me afraid and terrorized my life.
It ended for good. So my journey to find my other half is now tiring me already. But I never give up.
To be continued...
Years of looking for my other half (2)
This was my severe heart break of all time. My first love. I was 15 when I met him in a church outing. We went to puncak and he was the leader of my group. All I can say he was a cool boy, he doesn't like to talk much but I saw him very charming. He was 5 years older than me, I was in 9th grade, he was 12th grade. Last year of highschool. He not passed grade 2 times. (That's why he's older than most of his classmate friends)
At first I never interested in him, but because of his very gentle personality I fall for him. He was like the 'dad' figure in our group. Very thoughtful of another member and obviously he liked me because my mysterious traits. I never talk to anybody but I did very competitive in every games and like to take the lead.
I remember he came after me after dinner and just sit next to me looking at the sky and asking me standard questions, where my school, which grade. He went to different school. I was like very cold and never respond to him. He never gave up and really pay attention to me whenever I need anything. He was a gentleman I can say. Not like the other careless boys I knew, I can see he respect woman.
He ask my phone number and I kind of waiting for him but he never contact me until about 3 months he went straight to me after church and drove me home. He asked my number again. Turned out he lost one number from the previous number I gave him. That's why his message never reach me. I appreciate his effort and we went to church every week after that. I do like him because of his personality. He was so sweet and everything nice.
Surprisingly, he was a total different guy when he was not with me. He was like a very troubled guy at school, a bad boy who likes to fight. Literally. I don't even know how many other students he already fight with. It all ended with blood, there was one boy who had nose broken and brain damage because of him. He also a drug dealer in his school. Real narcotics drug.
I was in total shocked but he showed me a very different person, he was so sensitively romantic, like poetry, and gave me flowers. There was one time he took me to menteng park and bow down to ask if I wanted to be his girlfriend, he gave me flowers. My first happy time in love. I was so in love with him.
My parents didn't like him because of his trouble maker reputation, and he came from eastern indonesia. My parents always think eastern people are not responsible, like to party a lit and drug dealers which he was. Later on police looking for him and catch one of his friend. He moved to Bali and never come back to Jakarta until now.
So, we did everything backstreet way. We saw each other after I finished school. He went to my school all the way from his campus (after graduate from highschool he went to a culinary school) and drop me home. I was so happy being with him but because of his reputation and lifestyle, I really have to leave him. So I did when I went to high school, I never contacted him anymore, just disappeared for 3 years straight.
3 years passed by, I tried to search his Facebook and contacted him again. He was in Bali, working there (and runaway from Jakarta). I went to Bali to visit him and once again, I fell in love so deeply. All the memories are perfect. We went to beach in the night, see the stars and planning our future together. He wanted me to go to his village in Flores and build our little house in his father land. We talk about wedding, everything. Oh. I thought I was so closed to find my other half. I made a decision that this is the person, my perfect man for the rest of my life.
We did long distance relationship for about a year. We talked on phone every day, he was so sweet and all. I wrote him love letters every single fucking day, and I kept it to give him on his birthday on november that year. I planned everything, from flight, hotel, every single damn thing, writing on his cake and all of my poetry of him.
On October, He disappeared for 2 weeks. He never pick my call or reply my message but his phone always ringing. Something's wrong but I keep positive. Maybe he's busy with his job or whatever. At the end of 2 weeks, he sms me like this : I'm sorry Hesy, we can't be together again any longer. I'm so busy and I can't continue this relationship anymore. If God has different plan, we will meet again.
I was in my friend's house in pasar baru, we had this book launch meeting and I was with many of them. Like surrounded by 15 people when I got that message. I cried and I can't even move my limbs. I'm in the middle of eating nasi goreng, I can't even taste the nasi goreng anymore. That was like the only time my heart skip a beat. Like I stopped breathing for a second and it felt like something stabbed my heart. It was real. It was paining me physically. I wanted to die. I cried nonstop for weeks. I asked him for another reason but he never reply anything at all. I left in the cold.
Lucky me, I was so busy that moment. I had book launch event, I was very active on my University extracurricular, I even try to sell food and anything. I made money on my own and keep myself busy. I had great grades also. So, I channeled all my sorrow to something positive.
Around few weeks after that, I have the urge to stalk him from my friend's Facebook and wanted to know what's going on in his life. I found out, he is in relationship with another girl. I was deppresed, I was angry and I felt like why he betrayed me like that. My heart broke again but now with anger.
I called him like many times and the other girl pick. She sad he's mine now. I was very very angry and cursed her. Finally she gave the phone to him and let me talked to him. I asked why you did this to me. He asnwered because I was always acting smart in front of him. Like I knew everything (because I literally knew more than him). I did talk to him about random things like new inventions, another culture from another countries, world news. Turn out he never interested in whatever I shared to him. He was intimidated by me and he prefer to be with the waitress in restaurant he worked. He cheated on me.
Life is fair. I never wanted to be with a guy who lack of knowledge and never thrive to do anything more in his life. He is now married to the same girl he cheated on me. I found out universe have bigger plan on me than being ended up with that kind of man.
After a long journey of hoping in something, I finally realized that he really not my other half.
On that day I found out he was cheated on me, I swear to myself that I have to go to Bali in the next year with my new boyfriend and my boyfriend have to be much much better than him.
It will be happening on the next year, same date as the year I swear to myself..
To be continued...
At first I never interested in him, but because of his very gentle personality I fall for him. He was like the 'dad' figure in our group. Very thoughtful of another member and obviously he liked me because my mysterious traits. I never talk to anybody but I did very competitive in every games and like to take the lead.
I remember he came after me after dinner and just sit next to me looking at the sky and asking me standard questions, where my school, which grade. He went to different school. I was like very cold and never respond to him. He never gave up and really pay attention to me whenever I need anything. He was a gentleman I can say. Not like the other careless boys I knew, I can see he respect woman.
He ask my phone number and I kind of waiting for him but he never contact me until about 3 months he went straight to me after church and drove me home. He asked my number again. Turned out he lost one number from the previous number I gave him. That's why his message never reach me. I appreciate his effort and we went to church every week after that. I do like him because of his personality. He was so sweet and everything nice.
Surprisingly, he was a total different guy when he was not with me. He was like a very troubled guy at school, a bad boy who likes to fight. Literally. I don't even know how many other students he already fight with. It all ended with blood, there was one boy who had nose broken and brain damage because of him. He also a drug dealer in his school. Real narcotics drug.
I was in total shocked but he showed me a very different person, he was so sensitively romantic, like poetry, and gave me flowers. There was one time he took me to menteng park and bow down to ask if I wanted to be his girlfriend, he gave me flowers. My first happy time in love. I was so in love with him.
My parents didn't like him because of his trouble maker reputation, and he came from eastern indonesia. My parents always think eastern people are not responsible, like to party a lit and drug dealers which he was. Later on police looking for him and catch one of his friend. He moved to Bali and never come back to Jakarta until now.
So, we did everything backstreet way. We saw each other after I finished school. He went to my school all the way from his campus (after graduate from highschool he went to a culinary school) and drop me home. I was so happy being with him but because of his reputation and lifestyle, I really have to leave him. So I did when I went to high school, I never contacted him anymore, just disappeared for 3 years straight.
3 years passed by, I tried to search his Facebook and contacted him again. He was in Bali, working there (and runaway from Jakarta). I went to Bali to visit him and once again, I fell in love so deeply. All the memories are perfect. We went to beach in the night, see the stars and planning our future together. He wanted me to go to his village in Flores and build our little house in his father land. We talk about wedding, everything. Oh. I thought I was so closed to find my other half. I made a decision that this is the person, my perfect man for the rest of my life.
We did long distance relationship for about a year. We talked on phone every day, he was so sweet and all. I wrote him love letters every single fucking day, and I kept it to give him on his birthday on november that year. I planned everything, from flight, hotel, every single damn thing, writing on his cake and all of my poetry of him.
On October, He disappeared for 2 weeks. He never pick my call or reply my message but his phone always ringing. Something's wrong but I keep positive. Maybe he's busy with his job or whatever. At the end of 2 weeks, he sms me like this : I'm sorry Hesy, we can't be together again any longer. I'm so busy and I can't continue this relationship anymore. If God has different plan, we will meet again.
I was in my friend's house in pasar baru, we had this book launch meeting and I was with many of them. Like surrounded by 15 people when I got that message. I cried and I can't even move my limbs. I'm in the middle of eating nasi goreng, I can't even taste the nasi goreng anymore. That was like the only time my heart skip a beat. Like I stopped breathing for a second and it felt like something stabbed my heart. It was real. It was paining me physically. I wanted to die. I cried nonstop for weeks. I asked him for another reason but he never reply anything at all. I left in the cold.
Lucky me, I was so busy that moment. I had book launch event, I was very active on my University extracurricular, I even try to sell food and anything. I made money on my own and keep myself busy. I had great grades also. So, I channeled all my sorrow to something positive.
Around few weeks after that, I have the urge to stalk him from my friend's Facebook and wanted to know what's going on in his life. I found out, he is in relationship with another girl. I was deppresed, I was angry and I felt like why he betrayed me like that. My heart broke again but now with anger.
I called him like many times and the other girl pick. She sad he's mine now. I was very very angry and cursed her. Finally she gave the phone to him and let me talked to him. I asked why you did this to me. He asnwered because I was always acting smart in front of him. Like I knew everything (because I literally knew more than him). I did talk to him about random things like new inventions, another culture from another countries, world news. Turn out he never interested in whatever I shared to him. He was intimidated by me and he prefer to be with the waitress in restaurant he worked. He cheated on me.
Life is fair. I never wanted to be with a guy who lack of knowledge and never thrive to do anything more in his life. He is now married to the same girl he cheated on me. I found out universe have bigger plan on me than being ended up with that kind of man.
After a long journey of hoping in something, I finally realized that he really not my other half.
On that day I found out he was cheated on me, I swear to myself that I have to go to Bali in the next year with my new boyfriend and my boyfriend have to be much much better than him.
It will be happening on the next year, same date as the year I swear to myself..
To be continued...
Years of looking for my other half (1)
I realize that currently I'm at the end of my 20s, I'll be 27 soon. So I conclude that I past teenager and youth phase of my life safely but bruised severely.
I like to talk about my past to my friends, but maybe they're sick of listening to my story again and again so, I will just pour it up here.
My love life is like a book literally, and very random and crazy stories.
I started dating when I was about 15, before that I just like boys from a far and never do anything about it. Well I did though.
When I was 12 (6 grade) I like a boy who 6 years older than me, he was 12 grade or last year of highschool. I don't know why but I like him a lot. He was the most beautiful boy I ever see. The first human being I admire.
I was a very creepy secret admirer. I was looking for his information everywhere. Where he live (from library computer and yearbook after he graduate from highschool) , where he go on weekend, which time he go to church, which car he drove (I remember all the plates) , even every sandal he wore.
I follow him when he go home, I stalk him every where, I stalk his mom, his sister, even try to look for any information on whatever he like from his friend. I go distance to sms his friend. I literally ask my friend who join orchestra extracurricular to give me number of his class mate. I did ask him and met him. Remember,I was 12 and his friend was 17. I was so confident I don't even know why.
So, I dig informations about him and finally got his number. I was so happy and afraid at that time. I was nervous and want to vomit before I press send on my first sms. My first sms was hi, can we be friends? I want to know you more, then we talk excessively everyday. I was so happy but I never tell him who I was. He never know me or my name.
I researched all of his hobby, I read his favourite comic books, I learned basketball well, only the rules so we can talk about it. I learned tennis also, because I know he play tennis on weekend.
I even ask my mom about him from his sister. My mom was his sister lecturer in University. So my mom knew I was crazy about him. I even ask my mom to look for his information from his mom. I ask my mom to talk to his mom. Omfg. I was a crazy obsessive 12 year old girl.
The day finally come after about a year of stalking and endless research. We made appointment to meet. We sit side by side in church and do small conversation for the first and the last time. He seemed not interested in me. What do you expect young Hesy?? I was a 12 yrs old girl who never have boyfriend or any romantic experience, I never care about my looks (I didn't know anything yet about make up or whatsoever). Clearly as 18 yr old boy, he look for somebody at least 2 yrs younger and good looking. I knew now his preference. He like petite girl and light skin girl (his present wife) I was tall, I think he even shorter than me and have dark skin.
After we met, he never sms me anymore, but I still sms him everyday good morning and good night, greet him birthday wishes or any motivational quotes. He only reply yes and thank you. Until one day a girl call me on my house line to stay away from him and yelled at me being a 'relationship wrecker'. First of all I didn't even know he had girlfriend, he never responded to me well after we met, and he never sms me back with any romantic text.
I crushed for the first time ever to a boy who never even value me or my effort. I remember I cried in the shower and can't eat for days. I avoid him at the church, I avoid him at the English course (I found out he also study English at the same place but only different level, I study there like 10 years and we passed each other years before I even know him)
My first ever heart break and not even had a chance to develop to any romantic relationship.
The boy after this is his friend. Yep. The friend whom I know this guy from. He was a 'bad boy' type. A school band guitarist. Very different from the nerdy first one. I didn't like him at first but I was so heart broken, so I kind of want to experience what being in relationship like.
We met in church then he took me to Monas with his motorbike. We talk about lots of things and he gave me an offer. To be his girlfriend for a night. I agreed. Then I have my first kiss there. My first ever physical contact with boys and I can't get over it. I like when he hug me and fall for him instantly. At the end of the night he drop me in front of my house and give me another offer to be his girlfriend for a week. I agreed.
We met after school in front of mary statue at the church garden. We just looking at each other and talk about our day before we went home. He never introduced me to his friends or even say hi when we passed. He pretend that he don't know me. It was a backstreet relationship. We only gave code to each other and secretly meet when all the students go home, when the school empty.
A week past and turn into months, about 2 months he graduated from highschool and just cut me off. He said he was going to study abroad and will never see me again. He never contact me since, even a single word. Again I was crushed. I hospitalized for 2 weeks the day after and he never go to hospital to see me. I cried everyday at the hospital. I was 13. I never consider this was a serious relationship but I crushed already.
To be continued...
I like to talk about my past to my friends, but maybe they're sick of listening to my story again and again so, I will just pour it up here.
My love life is like a book literally, and very random and crazy stories.
I started dating when I was about 15, before that I just like boys from a far and never do anything about it. Well I did though.
When I was 12 (6 grade) I like a boy who 6 years older than me, he was 12 grade or last year of highschool. I don't know why but I like him a lot. He was the most beautiful boy I ever see. The first human being I admire.
I was a very creepy secret admirer. I was looking for his information everywhere. Where he live (from library computer and yearbook after he graduate from highschool) , where he go on weekend, which time he go to church, which car he drove (I remember all the plates) , even every sandal he wore.
I follow him when he go home, I stalk him every where, I stalk his mom, his sister, even try to look for any information on whatever he like from his friend. I go distance to sms his friend. I literally ask my friend who join orchestra extracurricular to give me number of his class mate. I did ask him and met him. Remember,I was 12 and his friend was 17. I was so confident I don't even know why.
So, I dig informations about him and finally got his number. I was so happy and afraid at that time. I was nervous and want to vomit before I press send on my first sms. My first sms was hi, can we be friends? I want to know you more, then we talk excessively everyday. I was so happy but I never tell him who I was. He never know me or my name.
I researched all of his hobby, I read his favourite comic books, I learned basketball well, only the rules so we can talk about it. I learned tennis also, because I know he play tennis on weekend.
I even ask my mom about him from his sister. My mom was his sister lecturer in University. So my mom knew I was crazy about him. I even ask my mom to look for his information from his mom. I ask my mom to talk to his mom. Omfg. I was a crazy obsessive 12 year old girl.
The day finally come after about a year of stalking and endless research. We made appointment to meet. We sit side by side in church and do small conversation for the first and the last time. He seemed not interested in me. What do you expect young Hesy?? I was a 12 yrs old girl who never have boyfriend or any romantic experience, I never care about my looks (I didn't know anything yet about make up or whatsoever). Clearly as 18 yr old boy, he look for somebody at least 2 yrs younger and good looking. I knew now his preference. He like petite girl and light skin girl (his present wife) I was tall, I think he even shorter than me and have dark skin.
After we met, he never sms me anymore, but I still sms him everyday good morning and good night, greet him birthday wishes or any motivational quotes. He only reply yes and thank you. Until one day a girl call me on my house line to stay away from him and yelled at me being a 'relationship wrecker'. First of all I didn't even know he had girlfriend, he never responded to me well after we met, and he never sms me back with any romantic text.
I crushed for the first time ever to a boy who never even value me or my effort. I remember I cried in the shower and can't eat for days. I avoid him at the church, I avoid him at the English course (I found out he also study English at the same place but only different level, I study there like 10 years and we passed each other years before I even know him)
My first ever heart break and not even had a chance to develop to any romantic relationship.
The boy after this is his friend. Yep. The friend whom I know this guy from. He was a 'bad boy' type. A school band guitarist. Very different from the nerdy first one. I didn't like him at first but I was so heart broken, so I kind of want to experience what being in relationship like.
We met in church then he took me to Monas with his motorbike. We talk about lots of things and he gave me an offer. To be his girlfriend for a night. I agreed. Then I have my first kiss there. My first ever physical contact with boys and I can't get over it. I like when he hug me and fall for him instantly. At the end of the night he drop me in front of my house and give me another offer to be his girlfriend for a week. I agreed.
We met after school in front of mary statue at the church garden. We just looking at each other and talk about our day before we went home. He never introduced me to his friends or even say hi when we passed. He pretend that he don't know me. It was a backstreet relationship. We only gave code to each other and secretly meet when all the students go home, when the school empty.
A week past and turn into months, about 2 months he graduated from highschool and just cut me off. He said he was going to study abroad and will never see me again. He never contact me since, even a single word. Again I was crushed. I hospitalized for 2 weeks the day after and he never go to hospital to see me. I cried everyday at the hospital. I was 13. I never consider this was a serious relationship but I crushed already.
To be continued...
The Past
Have you narrate your own life journey over and over again before you sleep? If you do, I'm doing it also. I can't help to tell myself story of the past as a lullaby.
I ask myself everyday before I sleep how can I get where I am now and i rewind every moment I went through every single night. Weird huh? I really don't know if any of you do the same, but please let me know if you do.
Sometimes I ask myself if I'm obsessed of my past or I just can't let go of whatever happened to me. I bring back memories that recorded to my brain excessively and vividly. I even can smell and remember every little detail of certain memory that came to me and always give me teary eyes. More like watching a movie with you being the actor. Ican call back a sad memory or a happy one, depend on my mood that day.
My happiest moment mostly with my family or time I traveled back in the day. I do lots of travel with my friends and collect happiest times of my life.
My sad moments came up when I feel like I want to pity myself, I don't know why but sometimes I do feel comfortable when I feel sad. I know it's not healthy but I just can't help it.
My sad moments are my failed relationship, betrayal, abandonment, and whatever I think I made wrong decisions of my life.
I know everything must have a reason, even failures. Sometimes not having what you want is a stroke of luck even when you can't see it now but you will see one day why it doesn't worked out that way just like when I see my past from present moment like what I do now.
Must be a reason why I feltq broken hearted many times because all of them are not even close to my standard, I just desperately wanted to be loved. The lesson learned, I have to love myself first before I let other people to love me. I can't pour from an empty cup.
Many lessons that I learned until today and I keep learning every day. How to let go things that not deserved me anymore. Let go of expectations on how people should treat me, because clearly I can't rely on what people do toward me, they can't do whatever I expect them to do.
All I need is time to let go, to understand that people are different from me, and I can't wait on them to full fill my wants.
I ask myself everyday before I sleep how can I get where I am now and i rewind every moment I went through every single night. Weird huh? I really don't know if any of you do the same, but please let me know if you do.
Sometimes I ask myself if I'm obsessed of my past or I just can't let go of whatever happened to me. I bring back memories that recorded to my brain excessively and vividly. I even can smell and remember every little detail of certain memory that came to me and always give me teary eyes. More like watching a movie with you being the actor. Ican call back a sad memory or a happy one, depend on my mood that day.
My happiest moment mostly with my family or time I traveled back in the day. I do lots of travel with my friends and collect happiest times of my life.
My sad moments came up when I feel like I want to pity myself, I don't know why but sometimes I do feel comfortable when I feel sad. I know it's not healthy but I just can't help it.
My sad moments are my failed relationship, betrayal, abandonment, and whatever I think I made wrong decisions of my life.
I know everything must have a reason, even failures. Sometimes not having what you want is a stroke of luck even when you can't see it now but you will see one day why it doesn't worked out that way just like when I see my past from present moment like what I do now.
Must be a reason why I feltq broken hearted many times because all of them are not even close to my standard, I just desperately wanted to be loved. The lesson learned, I have to love myself first before I let other people to love me. I can't pour from an empty cup.
Many lessons that I learned until today and I keep learning every day. How to let go things that not deserved me anymore. Let go of expectations on how people should treat me, because clearly I can't rely on what people do toward me, they can't do whatever I expect them to do.
All I need is time to let go, to understand that people are different from me, and I can't wait on them to full fill my wants.
Sunday, 2 September 2018
Blindfolded
When you feel like you're blindfolded, not knowing what will going to happen there's nothing to do other than accept the fact that you can't control everything. Powerless that's the word. Suddenly you realize that you don't have power over your life. Life is just going crazy, like a broken compass. You trapped between memories of the past and the uncertain of the future.
This is the time to learn about yourself, to contemplate the deeper meaning of life .For me there's a lesson that I learned, I can't control anything or anyone. I can only control what's my reaction to it.
I have to cheer my self up everyday just to go through the day. I never think what will happen tomorrow or the following day. Tomorrow will unfold itself, after all sun will always rise again.
I just wish and pray that I will be happy again and tomorrow will be better than today. I know I'm strong enough. I can do anything.
This is the time to learn about yourself, to contemplate the deeper meaning of life .For me there's a lesson that I learned, I can't control anything or anyone. I can only control what's my reaction to it.
I have to cheer my self up everyday just to go through the day. I never think what will happen tomorrow or the following day. Tomorrow will unfold itself, after all sun will always rise again.
I just wish and pray that I will be happy again and tomorrow will be better than today. I know I'm strong enough. I can do anything.
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