Patterns

There are patterns happen in our life, like it or not. We are most likely to make decisions based on our repeated occurrence on things that happened before. Familiarity. Sometimes we trapped in an old perspective that we know it's the best for us. 

We stop learning when we get comfortable, we just know only one way to solve a problem and keep doing it without realising it and become accustomed to us.

The most important thing is to find out the patterns that always happening in our life, what keeping you fall in the loophole of something. 

This is the importance of contemplation, something that I always doing it without knowing. To ask ourselves deeply, it feels like self judging at first, but from time to time finally I can differentiate which one is self judge and self reflection. 

This is not a one night project, it's a lifetime project. It's not easy and we need to face ourselves honestly.

Honesty is the key, don't hide with yourself. Embrace yourself as it is. Don't make an excuse of whatever you do, just acknowledge it.

It takes time just to meet your honest version, to dig all of your trauma and filter your emotion. It get messy. You have to face your ego self. You have to crush your ideal self. You are not like who do you think you are. You are you. Don't hide from yourself. It's the act of being authentic I can say.

you think that you are your traditions, you are your childhood trauma, you are your people around you. Yes, it can be parts of who made you today. But importantly, be mindful of it. Find yourself out. 

To know oneself is the key to make a mark in this world. To position yourself in the world. That's what I'm doing now.

Constant despair

Lately I realize that I have an open wound that came from abandonment. Living as a single fighter, I always try to be strong in every aspect of my life. I just know that human need social engagement. Grew up mostly alone in my room, without no friends to talk to or share about my feelings turn me into an attention seeker and a clingy person. I can be very sad when nobody giving me a constant attention. when someone give me attention for a while and it felt good, I can crave more and more.

In the deepest of my mind I judged myself for being an attention seeker and it's not a good thing because most people avoid that kind of people. But well, I need it. I need that attention, I need validation on my feelings, I need people to say I am not weird or I am just a clingy and annoying person. In fact yes I am. I never get that attention I deserved. 

Yes, I tried to make myself full and I tried to love myself enough just to say to myself that i am capable of filling my own love tank. I don't want to blame anybody even to myself that until this second I never feel full of love. 

I tried so hard to cover my insecurity and behave like a normal human. But recently it just burst into the surface. I have wound. I have been abandoned by people around me. It is not the act of pitying my self, well maybe some of you will judge me for it.

No, I even hate the idea of self pity. I really don't want to put myself as a victim. I don't like to be a victim and I don't want to have the victim mentality. 

Lack is lack. It is the condition that something is missing. Missing love, missing connection, missing attention.

It is not my fault actually, I don't really want to be in that position since I was little. Maybe the cause of the abandonment issues was I never really expected in this world, I can feel it. My biological parents don't want me, my society where I grew up treat me differently and my adopted parents really never learn about parenting. 

I think it is safe for me to say that I am the victim. I am the victim because I never really want to be born in this situation and I act carelessly because nobody telling me where I should go or what to do.

I never really had the normal family situation, I lived in a warzone where my parents argued all the time, no smile or happiness whatsoever,they are caught up in a survival situation. 

I never really feel loved and that's why I crave love. I really am sorry to everyone who think that I'm just a troubled person. I really don't intend to. If I can fix myself or change the past, I would love to. I will trade it with everything that I have.