I Don't Owe Anything to Anyone

Recently I had a problem, and I learned something :  when people treat you out of what normally you been treated. Just remember, Maybe the problem is not you. You can do anything you want. You are free to react. If you are right, never blame everything on yourself, even when everyone want to put blame on you. because You don't owe anything to Anyone. This is your life, not even theirs.

And when you feel no one on your side, just remember what the purpose you were there. What is your goal. Do you want something that really matter to you? Nothing else matter than that! so get back on your track and ignore people who doesn't help you with your goal. because you don't owe anything to anyone.

This is the list that you never owe :

1. You don't owe to please people.
2. You don't owe to listen to people who have bad influenced to you
3. You don't owe to talk sweet to anyone.
4. You don't owe to say Yes to anyone.
5. You don't owe to impress people.
6. You don't owe to believe what people say about you.
7. You don't owe anyone to respect you or like you. it will come naturally. If they don't it is perfectly fine.

When you are right, never be afraid to tell the truth. Be honest.

But you don't owe anything to anyone.

Don't be afraid to say 'Hi'

Yesterday I decided to join a class at my gym, I took body jam class. Yesterday was not my first time taking that class but I felt like completely idiot. Idiot means I always dance off tempo, like a giant squid with the tentacles everywhere. The most hard part is the step, I can't follow their step. They dance like pro dancer. Rudy, The trainer. He looks flamboyant and has lithe body as a dancer. He also has sassy personality and quiet friendly with some of the member there.

I tried hard to follow the steps but I always left behind. One time he came to me and give me the look of 'come on, this is a simple dance and you sucks'. Most of the member was soo good at following the dance and have no problem at all.

I've been there for almost 2 years, I observe the people there. So most of them are regular member who join that class like once a week. No wonder that they remember the dance and develop friendship with other members over time.

well, I am as not a committed member, only join that class maybe less than once a month. I don't have friends to work out together or take class together. I want to, but I just to shy to introduce myself  or join their conversation. They look intimidating. The group contains of lots of flamboyant boys, women in their 40s and some good looking body women in their 20's.

So I step out in the middle of the class because I seen a girl step out before me. I was not enjoying the class either and was exhausted as hell, so no big deal. Either way I know that I shouldn't quit because I pay the same amount of money as them and I want to be there to sweat not to be intimidated.

I saw the same lady who step out the class in the locker room and I tried to have conversation with her, even I have to struggle just to say hi. Turned out that she has same age like me and been work out alone for the past 5 months. She was feeling a little intimidated by people there. We talked for about 20 minutes at the sauna and it was just like instant friendship. We agree to support each other to losing our weight and reaching our goals together.

So, what I learned yesterday was, never be afraid to say hi, you don't know if that person is has same situation and needed friend as much as you are.

Get out and say hi to people more and you will see yourself.

Believe me, I'm trying to love my self

"Believe me, I'm trying to love myself", That's exactly what I said to all of my friends who gave me advice on loving my body. My friends also my parents keep telling me I am beautiful, just the way I am, but deep down that advice is just like a joke. Are you kidding me? I am not thin enough, My skin is not fair enough, my cheeks, my flabby arms, all of my body is like a disaster. Why I can't be girls on Tv? on that next model search? sometimes I blame myself for how much I eat, for how lazy I am to work out.

I wrote this for girls who wants to love herself but still defeated by the stream of mass media and people's opinion, to girls who being told that they are not pretty enough even by their friends or boyfriend, to girls who eat just a pinch of carbo everyday, girls who binge eating and purging almost everyday because she was feeling guilty to eat and gaining weight.

I wanna share my stories about my own body shaming. It all started when I was in 5th grade. I have darker skin compare to most of my friends and I was over weight. One time there was a theatrical drama "Habis Gelap Terbitlahlah Terang" and I got the cast as kartini's maid. I was playing that role well, maybe too well. Until my teacher and some of my senior and classmate called me "mbok" , sometimes ,"mbak". One day one of my senior from 6th grade came to me and told me to throw her used plastic bottle to the garbage can.

I grew up in Chinese community, where I was the minority. Maybe for them people with darker skin are identic with their maid back home. but I wasn't understand until now, we are just kid and maybe her mom wasn't educate her well about diversity.

In 6th grade, I have a close friend, let's call her nessa. she was thin, beautiful and has yellow skin just like the others, but she never confident enough. She told me that she is fat (well I was fatter than her though) and she was trying to lose her weight by purging herself after she eat. I was looking how she did that on the sink. she told me that she is obsessed with her Barbie dolls and models on magazine and she wants to be just like them. And I did that also secretly back at home.

I was losing weight when I was 7th grade, I took diet pills, pooping five times every single day for at least a year. but yet, I was still fatter than most of my friends. It was genetic. I have bigger figure and I just can't be thin.

I still struggle with my body weight and I decided not to take it seriously, but still normally dieting and go to the gym. My body weight is still yo-yoing back and forth.
 

I really concern about this topic, I seen many girls suffer from this. I did suffer but I try to get up and upgrade myself and be the better version of me. I don't want to listen what media claims how the perfect body is.

I did a project in 2013, a short movie about bulimia inspired by my friend nessa and turn out I have friends with bulimia too in college.

I wrote this for us, girls who never feel good enough in her skin. I want to tell you, that you are good enough. You are perfect. You don't necessarily have to follow newest trends or be skinny so you attract boys that you like. Boys who truly love you will accept you just the way you are. Concentrate on things that you never do. If you want to have perfect body, it's fine. work out, go outside, be healthy.

Believe me, I'm trying to love my self.

Video Streaming Apps is literally everywhere

I'm at the gym at Sudirman area, right after shower and sitting at the lounge area, I saw a guy talking alone in front of his phone. This is what he said, "hey this is radit, your broadcaster for tonight thank you for watching me at my room, thank you for you all of my 150 viewers" then a friend of him come to him and he explained what kind of "apps" he used. He used BIGO! I have like AHA moment, I saw my friend's status before on facebook about bigo. from what I can extract from what he explained, this is the app where you can have your own audience and go live, pretty much like facebook streaming and you can see your audience interact directly at you via chat and this phenomena tickles me. well, people can get attention easily right now, there must be plus and negative side of it. for me this is unreal attention. Hmm, I'm not kinda person who follow on some trends but this? I will give it a try, even no one watching me.

I think so many what ifs in this sort of old and new concept, what if the user of this app is not responsible? what if they spread hateness? what if someone really can spy on your activity during this Live moments? well social media itself is a very powerful tools to spy on anybody anyway.

what people need right now is media literacy. They need to filter whatever they say, whatever they do online, also whatever they read and believe of media. Media is a powerful tools to fool people, to make people believe whatever message the content maker wants the audience to believe.

I study this field and the answer is only media literacy and of course education. Media is complex yet mesmerizing , just looking at the screen that makes you do everything, like mass hypnotize.

What is Media Literacy? click the following link : http://study.com/academy/lesson/what-is-media-literacy-definition-importance-examples.html

A book for a curious mind.

I found this book maybe years ago, this book already in my shelf for a quiet long time. I fascinated of how this book can really make me curious about things and really want to dig  answers of everything. Still reading it and no sign to finished in short time.

When I was 13 or 14, in junior highschool, I have same thoughts like Sophie in this book. I even discuss this creation of everything with my best friend Stefani. We're still best friend until now.

The topic is quiet heavy for us back then. We discuss about how religion works, and how they came into this world? Is it God exist? Is he a He or She? Why so many religions? Why there are different cultures and believs in different places? Who create the cultures, the traditions, the story of the mighty God? What if  one person do wrong things in his religions he is not punished, but punished in other people religion? Is it about punishment? Why punishment exist? For what? To control human natural behavior? To control bad things that can ruin our society?

We agree on one thing, well at least I agree on this, The stories of God passed on generations. With at least one people spread the story, and the other generations spice it up. People can feel what other people tell them, even if it's a lie. There is one side of human that they want to believe in something. They want to believe in their closest society believe , so they can get accompany, support that leads to their own stability of living. After all human is a social creature. If they have support, they have better chance of living. Better chance to survive.

You can't match this believe with any religious believe. I just trying to be open minded and borderless. With no religious believe involved.
You can see the history and you can't deny that religion had been used for tools with hidden agenda.

So why we seeing things that we can't explain? Is it Haven sent? Or maybe it came from evil power? Who control our deepest unconscious mind? Well. Still not resolved.

But what I believe, people force to believe in something in order to satisfy their curiosity. They get blame everything and put their answer on God because it is easier.

It is me, Hesy.

Finally I have blog again! Yay! I have blog before, but for some reason all of my posts were gone. I'm that kind of girl that likes to write my emotions and stories in diary. I have diary since I was little, and I found writing diary is really useful for me to express my emotions. I don't have many friends to talk about my problems, and I prefer to keep it closed.

My name is Hesy, I currently work in one of Jakarta's women radio station as a morning producer. I have a bachelor degree from a communication school in Jakarta. I am just like another mid 20's girl that still live with my parents and really want to be independent, successful and fit in. yes fit in. to be accepted in my society, to be look like the most of people, to have my own car, my own place, nice things, eat at the finest restaurant and share all of my day on social media. Typical, Aren't I ?

When people think that they want exactly the same as other people want, sometimes I think differently. Why people do that? Why they are so enslave by what others think, why people can live a double life just to be accepted by society? Why people have to buy certain things that can make them think they belong in a higher social class? why people do what they do? This is the place where I can put all of my thoughts and maybe looking for a reason why am I here. what is the purpose of me living. I like to watch people, I like to analyze people, I always looking for answers of everything.

I will start from where I come from.

I born in Lampung, South Sumatera Indonesia. well, I just know where I born a few years ago. I am adopted and raised as an only child by a loving Chinese family. I don't look like the rest of my family, I have tan skin, big rounded brown eyes and tall body. I always think that I don't belong anywhere I live.

I went to a Catholic school in a quite prestigious area in Jakarta, Menteng. Most of my schoolmates are Chinese or very rich kids. I always had that peer pressure experience even when I was in primary school. My dad is a small business owner, sometimes he can't get me things that most of my friends wearing. what I can remember, kids at my school back then in 90s already know about certain brands. They wearing famous brands to go to school and brag about it. They also carry cell phone to school. At that time, cell phones are still very expensive. Things that I never had in that moment.

Not only I can't keep up to their life style, I am not free from bullying either. As a 'different looking' kid, sometimes I get different treatment. Some friends and teachers sometimes ignore me. Sometimes I feel invisible and get used to it. I never show my talents because I know, they won't notice me anyway. So I was a shy kid. I learn to live in shadow and start to watch people from distance. Many hurtful bullying acts back then, and I still remember like it was yesterday.

I grew up as a rebellious teenager, I always want to be different. I exploded. I did bad things. I skip school, I have bad score, I even look different. I make myself bald, yes bald. Just like boys. I want to show the world that I capable to against it. I break every rules and every norm. I always try to think different.

Until I went to college that change me a little bit. I learned many things, I learned that outside of my circle, I have non-Chinese friend and can be friends with them. I feel like more accepted and people finally can approve of everything that what I do. but I still shy. I still hiding. I don't want people to see me. I still struggle until this day.

I dedicate this blog for me, for you that have similar situation and similar thoughts like me. How I can get up after bad comments, after abusive relationship and how I struggle through this 'mid life crisis'

I will never give up. This is the making of Super Woman.