Fall too fast

I don’t mean to. I really don’t. Every time I tell myself it’ll be different. I tell myself that I’ll be different. But it never is. I never am. In my defense, it’s hard to turn off a part of you, a piece of your personality, that hopeless romantic within you. And for those of you who aren’t hopeless romantics, I know you may be shaking your head and telling yourself that hopeless romantics simply need to get a grip on reality. Well I’m here to tell you that it’s truly not that simple.

Wherever you are and whatever you do, you never do it with the purpose of meeting a significant other. You’re simply living life, just like the next person. However, while you go about your life, you will inevitably run into others. And one of those others might just happen to have a smile that could make you melt into a puddle and a laugh that is so ridiculously contagious, all belonging to one incredibly handsome man.

You start talking to him. Because why wouldn’t you? He just introduced himself to you and he’s getting more adorable by the minute. And you instantly get overwhelmed by all the possibilities and the newness of it all. You imagine all the adventures you could have together and the paths that you could journey down with this amazing person. And you do realize that you just met him for the first time, but you can’t even help picturing the two of you together taking on the world one experience and adventure at a time.

After you leave him right where you met him, you can’t help the fact that he consumes every waking moment of your thoughts days after and then continues to push his way into your subconscious dreams. You catch yourself smiling just thinking about him as you go about your day. You recall his beautiful smile and the way he stood there, confident and casual, lighting up the room.

But the worst part of it all? He’s not yours. He’s not even close to yours. He’s simply just this small fragment of a memory that you’re holding onto. You’re holding on, not because you’re desperate for love or lonely or in need of a companion but because he was different. Because he made you feel something that you’ve been wandering through life waiting to feel. And you understand that you barely know him, and that you just met him, but your mind is racing far ahead of reality, because there’s this small flicker of hope inside of you that maybe, just maybe this will work.

But while you sit there daydreaming of a possible future with him, you have no idea exactly how he feels. You have no idea if he was sincere when he extended an invitation for a date or if you’re simply a fading memory being lost and forgotten about as simply and easily as he introduced himself to you. Days pass and you’re still grasping onto that fragment of hope, not in a desperate way, but in a hopeful, determined way wondering if he’s going to reach out to you. You could easily reach out to him yourself, but because you’re you, you’re afraid of coming off as desperate or needy. So you play the waiting game. But he’s worth the agonizing wait. Because what you felt when you were with him was different, it was real. And you’re hoping that maybe something magical will transpire of out of this.

But when days trickle by and it’s all but radio silence, you finally have to blow out that glimmer of hope, and let go. Letting go of a man that wasn’t even yours in the first place, but a man that you hoped so badly would be. A man that stole your heart and imagination and ran away with it. A man that never will be.

All of this from a five minute conversation. You must think hopeless romantics need a reality check. And honestly, we probably do. When time and again we’re left with an unfulfilled ending. Where it feels like we’ve raced to the top of a set of stone steps only to look down and realize that they’re crumbling from beneath our feet.

Call it naivety or simple stupidity that I get my hopes up so high only to have them come crashing down. You think I’d learn that it would be easier to understand that love doesn’t work that way. That I have to learn to meet someone and walk away. Leave them in the past, exactly where I met them, no feelings or emotions attached.

By holding onto hopeless romantic tendencies, maybe one day, I can prove reality wrong, that sometimes, meeting someone and falling for them does work in your favour. Those fleeting glances and sideways smiles will in fact evolve into something beautiful, something lasting, something amazing.

Coincidence

Do you believe in coincidence? No, I don't. Everything happen for a reason whatever it is. So, as usual I want to share a little bit of interesting story that happened to my life recently. Well, it happened 3 weeks a go I think? Yep. 

One day I just scroll on my Instagram randomly, and saw one of my long lost friend post. I met him in 2013 accidentally also. That time I knew him from radio. Not the radio I worked for but online radio where my classmates friend listened too. My friends are talking about this funny radio programme and she told me to listen to it. I said yes why not, I don't have anything to do at night and that night I listened to his programme. 

It was a funny yet explicit programme I can tell, just fun programme that talked about nothing. It was entertaining and I can't stop listened to them, I sent Twitter post to respond to the topic and they read it. Just normal listener. But, that guy DM me in Twitter message. And the rest is history. 

So that time I still dated my Aussie boyfriend (the story is in my previous post) and we just talk. Just flirting, he asked me to go out to watch horror movie and we did having a pleasant time together. Funny story but that time he picked me out with vespa motorbike and smell like cheap perfume, that's the only thing I remember about him. But because I found him also flirting with another listener I just leave him alone, and I had boyfriend also at that time. So I easily forget him. 

Years passed by, it was 2015 when out of fucking nowhere he contacted me again and wanted to see me again because he passed my neighborhood area. We made appointment to see again. I thought why not. 

That night we made appointment to see movie in Grand Indonesia after work. The weather was not friendly at all. It was raining and I have to wait until the rain stop. My workplace was in Sudirman area, Jakarta Stock Exchange building. I literally walk to Grand Indonesia because no bus, no taxi, no ojek whatsoever. You know what? He left me right after I arrived there. What in the world? I was so angry, so sad, so tired and I watch the movie all by myself. I watched doraemon movie stand by me alone and crying. I cried because I feel stupid and not appreciated. I went there with all my heart and with all my STRENGTH! I blocked him right away. But I still friend him in Instagram, sometimes I saw his posts and just rolled my eyes. 

2021, his post was just pop out in my timeline. I saw him quiet popular now, I watched his interview with one of the popular comedian. I just thought, oh good for him. Just wonder how he is doing. Not upto 5 minutes I watch that interview, he DM me again in my Instagram. He said is this really you? Is this Hesy? I said yes how are you. He's fine and he's doing great. 

Turned out he remember me that he left me in the cold 7 years ago. I remember because it was a big deal before but not now, it never crossed my mind again for a long time. So we talked and talked, just catching up. He said he wanted to said sorry for what he did and want to re-connect. 

We met, we talked about many things. His past, his new life and so was I. I talked about my rough life, my depression, everything happened to my life openly. We connect, well at least that's what I thought. I gave him my prayer book so he can pray more and connect to God because he told me he started to pray again. I make sure at least our meeting give him something to remember and bring something positive in his life. I genuinely want him to be his better version of his life and trust in God more. 

I told him my feelings and thanked him for a glimpse of happiness that he gave me in my cloudy times and he said he is happy to re-connect. And it was our last conversation for 2 weeks now. 

The coincidence was I have seen many angel numbers everywhere and it all written 1313, the day I request song to him it was love song by 311 and it was 31 January 2013. The time showed was 13.13. 

Is it a coincidence? 

With my wisdom and my long experience with this feelings things, I really don't want to expect anything out from this connection. Maybe he just want to finish his unfinished business with me and say sorry. I forgive him. I wished everything is going well in his life and he get whatever he want in his life. 

This could be a ghosting situation again but I don't mind. This is life, he can do whatever he wants and so do I. I just move on with my life. If that coincidence means something maybe it lead somewhere but I don't expect anything. God has his own plan and I believe it must be for the best. 

Years of looking for my other half (6)

Years of disappointment lead me into one conclusion. I am whole and nobody completed me. I complete myself. I am one. What I was looking for is half of myself not other people. I learned in a very very hard way. I'm choosing my own happiness. My happiness is not depend on other people or the one I thought will give me one. The happiness comes from within. It's cliché isn't it? It is but it's true. You will be happy when you embrace your own mistakes, when you accept everything as it is. I learn about let go and surrender. I'm not looking or push the universe to give me what I want. I let the universe to guide me where my feet will lead me. 

This few years start from 2017 my perspective changed, my way of thinking is changed, my ego is ripped, I am no longer my old self. I am new. I can say it is my biggest awakening of all time. It's real, it's happening and it's wonderful. The process torn me to pieces, I left with nothing only myself to count on. I was alone in this process, but i'm proud that I can say that I made it. This life is not about finding about the one again. This life is about finding my life and my purpose.