It took about a year to recover myself from heartbreak and self pitiness. I finally brave enough to start new adventure. Again. Yes. Again. It was the end of college year. I was 23 that time.
I remember I was interested to one guy I sang together in an event a few years back, I tried to look for his contact and he responded me well. Too well.
We get along very quick, and without I realized, we were in relationship.
He was a very nice guy at the beginning, he was looking at this world with rose coloured glasses on. Everything was nice, positive and he treated me so well. For the first few months.
But something was wrong, he never want me to know his house or his family. He kept secret to me. Well. Whenever someone kept a secret for me, I have to find it, it's a challenge for me. I ask people, I sneak into his ID card to see his house address and yes, I google earth it. Voila! I saw his house now then I told him what's wrong (I even went to his house uninvited)
He told me he was insecure about his family condition, his house everything because he didn't come from a wealthy family. I never care about that to be honest, just tell me. Be open to me no matter what.
I once again go the distance for him, most of the time I went to his place out of Jakarta which was so far just to meet him. He never like to come to Jakarta because he feel intimidated by people who ''wealthier" than him. Well, you don't need to be rich to go to luxurious mall or whatever, it was only public places and people don't even care about who you are. All you need is confidence and nobody won't judge you anyway. I found this thing very weird and I still try to understand him.
Time pass by, he showed me his real face. A very pessimistic,needy and an egosentrical man. Well, that what he showed me. I feel not comfortable when he called me on phone every single hour when I have work to do. My work was so busy, I don't even have time to eat lunch, that how was busy it was.
He can get angry to me just because I busy his call and threat me want to break up with me. What a gaslighter and manipulative man he was. I can't live like this or even imagine spend the rest of my life with him. Nope nope. It's a red flag.
He was abusive also. There was one time we went to cinema, and I was so busy watch the movie (you go to cinema to watch movie right? Not to hug, kissing and forget the movie) he was so angry to me and he grab my arms and pull me when the movie over. I had bruises all over. Even my mom and my church friend asking me about the bruises. I said nothing, just fell from bed.
The final moment was when I go with my female friend to hang out in a hotel. We did book a hotel to have sleep over and binge drinking because we were so stressed with our life and work. He invited her boyfriend also.
What happened? Disaster. He called me on phone and I told him I have a sleep over and he was angry as hell! I even let him talk to them and if he can go to meet us. He don't want to do that instead he cursed me and assaulted me with his words. He told me I was a prostitute to book a hotel. What a small minded he was! Everybody can book a hotel for whatever reason. Not only prostitution. He was mad.
Short story, I went home at 7 o'clock and show him I was home and I cancelled my sleepover night with my friends. He was a total day ruiner. He said he wanted to break up. I said okay. I'll can't help any longer. What kind of relationship that you never feel happy in it? You can't even have happy time with your friend?
The following day he went to my office and crying in front of everybody in my office and saying sorry. I left him because I have appointment with my friend to go to Bandung that time. I have no time for his bullshit anymore. Once again he blame me and playing victim while in the other side he already had new girlfriend (thanks to my stalking ability)
What a waste of 2 years of my time and energy for this man. I tried to help him with anything , I went far to his city just for date, I paid most of the expenses because he said he never had money in hand.
He only want to control and take away my happiness. So bye bye.
After I come out from this emotional thundercloud, I start to use internet dating again, now I went to dating apps. In my mind I still have the goal to find my other half.
So I met several guys there, but only 2 of them that caught my attention.
The first one was a fitness place manager. Good looking, gentle man and very kind to me. I went to his place, he cooked for me, he gave me life advices. He was 10 years older than me and he had quiet interesting past. He was romantic and we seeing each other for a few months. Everything was smooth. I couldn't be more happy.
Until one day I met him at his workplace and he wanted to talk to me. So first news was his accomplishment, he wanted to move to another place and the company sent him to England. I knew he worked so hard to be in his position right now. I was happy for him.
Second news, not to pleased to hear. He met another girl before me and that girl was pregnant with him, and her family came to him asking to marry him. He didn't know she was pregnant until her 7 months of pregnancy. She never told him about this before.
What kind of news is this?? He decided to marry her the following month even he didn't feel like to marry, he had this certain image that he need to create so he can't ruined his life. In 2 months the baby born and he become a married man.
What the actual fuck is that? Once again I left in the cold after everything I've been through. Life was not fair. I tried to understand and he was so sorry for everything. What can I do? He's not my other half.
After another broken heart, I met this new guy. Same thing. We met many times and he was so charming and brilliant. He was a company owner from Singapore. ( The full story I wrote in my other blog ; dear valentine)
Another unexpecting news came from my friend who worked for him before. He is a married man. After I knew about this, I just tell him about what I discovered. He explained to me that it was true and he was going through divorced. In Singapore you can't get divorced if your marriage no more than 2 years. I can't. I don't want this. I don't want to be involved in any marriage. I let him go. He's not my other half.
I wish my heart is made out of steel. I keep going on. This all experience is not even the worst one. There will he worst thing will come around the corner. It will all happen when I just had my 25th birthday on 2016. A different kind of journey will start, dragged me into the most tiring moments of my life, not only my heart and emotions, but every single aspect in my life.
To be continued...
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