Surviving day to day is so painful to me, not knowing what will happen next is killing me. I don't know when I will be happy again, at least to feel alive. I feel dead inside.
Being isolated for months from any human being communication is sometimes so hard to deal with. I can't contact anybody, even my friends. I can't tell my situation right now or when I do, I just say I'm alright. The fact is, No. I'm not. And I can't share with you for some reason. I can't .
This time is so hard for me. Not only financially, but also physically and emotionally. It is so fucking hard. I deal with self blame, loneliness and isolation.
This my head always make contradictive conversations. I can't help it and my own mind drag me down into the spiral of self blaming and self pitiness. I just can't get out of this. I don't have anybody right now, just myself alone struggling with myself. I'm going insane. I just want to end this.
In case something happen to me, you will know what I'm going through right now and I can't share to anybody, just in here I can share everything without being judged.
I can't expecting someone to help because they are busy with their own life just like me busy with my own mind. So, I can't blame people.
I blame myself for being so stupidly naive to be dragged to this world I'm in. I'm tired. I just want to be free from my own self judgement and expectations. I want to leave everything. Wander around where I don't need to please other people for little something to eat.
I want to feel something. I want to be happy. Not to feel any pressure from everybody. I want to find my own purposes and goal again. And reason to staying alive.
Help me.
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