Valentine. Some find love (clearly not me) or some find the harsh truth. I really really am happy for you who finally find someone you called love. I think the cupid is not taking on my side this year (or will it be forever?)
I just found out for the hundred times He is the man I (kinda) love (can I call it love already?)
*By the way I talk to myself a lot, debating my own mind. So, you will find any unecessary explanation*
This start when I met this guy, well older than me tbh. We chat, we laugh, we spent a short night together in his apartment.
And what I found surprising is, I have this 'I know him already' feeling like I already known him for a long time and everything was like connect so smoothly. I like him, I like the way he talk, he think and whatever he said he's complicated and have that 'God' complex whatsoever (turn out he obsessed with Godfather). He's charming, he's funny and always keep me entertained with his witty personality.
He is fun, humble and funny thing is I think he might be the one I looking for all my life. Perfect.
What I want from him is nothing about his money or status. I want to know him. I want to know his soul. I want to understand him so deeply. I care so much about his wellbeing like I really want to offer him anything that can comfort him. I genuinely fall for him.
And once again I fall. Fall harder than before. (Yes I fell right before I met him with different man and different sad story that made me cry for days)
I waited him to text me and he did. He texted me whenever he lonely (my assumption) or when he drunk (that's a redflag huh? But I was so dumb enough to ignore it). I usually text guy first or down to chasing guy, but this time I kind of hold back and with 'we will see what happen and let the universe answer' attitude.
I research him online and offline about what he do for a living, like what kind of his company, what even fintech means and all about, everything about his job. I even search everything about that industry, all the articles about trend on finance industry and everything but what I can't find is his personal life. It keeps me questioning even more. He kind of shady. But who cares?
I never have ever question this until I have one friend that contact me first and say hi to me and wanna ask me some question about my former company I work for. We finally talk about many things and this person know him. Yes. What a coincidence (I don't believe in coincidence, I believe everything is happen for a reason. Another synchronicity in my life). I finally know that he is a married man.
Yes. A married man. He is married with another woman. Well, everything is clear now. I used to convince myself that I will never fall for married man and I will know when I spot one.
One day before valentine's day (the day I admire most because duh I'm a fucking hopeless romantic person) I know the truth.
I feel so dumb and stupid for falling for him. I blame myself for this. I know this is not my fault, I never knew this earlier and Ignore every signs. But why I never ask him at the first place, or why I never ask other people first. Why should I know this by coincidence?
Everything happens for a reason. This is the sign. Maybe my feeling was wrong. My gut that said he is the one might be wrong. Maybe my soul are lost and blind. I just want to see whatever I wanted to see. Thank you for the universe who let me know this earlier. That he cannot be mine. Now or everytime in the future. He has a wife and I respect people's commitment. I respect him and his status with his beloved wife.
So in this valentine's day, let me say goodbye to people whom I put my hope and faith for the future. I thought the universe set me up with a happy ending story this time. But yeah, who am I to hope for this lovely young man. I deserve the best, maybe I will meet him one day. Maybe not this valentine or many valentine after this.
I let you go with all my heart and my soul. Thank you for everything you have shared to me, a small sparks of your fire within you.
To you,
Mr. Universe
14 February 2017
No comments:
Post a Comment