Believe me, I'm trying to love my self

"Believe me, I'm trying to love myself", That's exactly what I said to all of my friends who gave me advice on loving my body. My friends also my parents keep telling me I am beautiful, just the way I am, but deep down that advice is just like a joke. Are you kidding me? I am not thin enough, My skin is not fair enough, my cheeks, my flabby arms, all of my body is like a disaster. Why I can't be girls on Tv? on that next model search? sometimes I blame myself for how much I eat, for how lazy I am to work out.

I wrote this for girls who wants to love herself but still defeated by the stream of mass media and people's opinion, to girls who being told that they are not pretty enough even by their friends or boyfriend, to girls who eat just a pinch of carbo everyday, girls who binge eating and purging almost everyday because she was feeling guilty to eat and gaining weight.

I wanna share my stories about my own body shaming. It all started when I was in 5th grade. I have darker skin compare to most of my friends and I was over weight. One time there was a theatrical drama "Habis Gelap Terbitlahlah Terang" and I got the cast as kartini's maid. I was playing that role well, maybe too well. Until my teacher and some of my senior and classmate called me "mbok" , sometimes ,"mbak". One day one of my senior from 6th grade came to me and told me to throw her used plastic bottle to the garbage can.

I grew up in Chinese community, where I was the minority. Maybe for them people with darker skin are identic with their maid back home. but I wasn't understand until now, we are just kid and maybe her mom wasn't educate her well about diversity.

In 6th grade, I have a close friend, let's call her nessa. she was thin, beautiful and has yellow skin just like the others, but she never confident enough. She told me that she is fat (well I was fatter than her though) and she was trying to lose her weight by purging herself after she eat. I was looking how she did that on the sink. she told me that she is obsessed with her Barbie dolls and models on magazine and she wants to be just like them. And I did that also secretly back at home.

I was losing weight when I was 7th grade, I took diet pills, pooping five times every single day for at least a year. but yet, I was still fatter than most of my friends. It was genetic. I have bigger figure and I just can't be thin.

I still struggle with my body weight and I decided not to take it seriously, but still normally dieting and go to the gym. My body weight is still yo-yoing back and forth.
 

I really concern about this topic, I seen many girls suffer from this. I did suffer but I try to get up and upgrade myself and be the better version of me. I don't want to listen what media claims how the perfect body is.

I did a project in 2013, a short movie about bulimia inspired by my friend nessa and turn out I have friends with bulimia too in college.

I wrote this for us, girls who never feel good enough in her skin. I want to tell you, that you are good enough. You are perfect. You don't necessarily have to follow newest trends or be skinny so you attract boys that you like. Boys who truly love you will accept you just the way you are. Concentrate on things that you never do. If you want to have perfect body, it's fine. work out, go outside, be healthy.

Believe me, I'm trying to love my self.